52 upvotes, 4 direct replies (showing 4)
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Also, once you're both ready for it, the best position in my experience is her on top to get it in, that way she can control it and the weight of her body helps too. Do it after fingers and when she's really aroused and use lots of lube, introduce it with foreplay so its not a foreign object at that time. Then, once it's inside you can get on top so she doesn't have to worry about moving and rythm and stuff.
You can let her know about this too so it can maybe ease her worries a bit to know that it's absolutely fine to just lay and hug you, no porn star expectations.
Aaaand a book recommendation, "come as you are". I don't know how you'd tell her about it without telling her about this thread but it helped me a lot in adjusting the expectations I had around pleasure and PIV sex.
Comment by [deleted] at 03/11/2022 at 02:06 UTC
8 upvotes, 3 direct replies
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Comment by deleted-desi at 03/11/2022 at 03:18 UTC
17 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I still recommend that book, but I'll say this, also as a late bloomer. Reading that book created more pressure for me, because it (along with therapy) turned sex into like a big deal/large project. Something I have to read about, study about, ask myself questions about, "be curious" about, etc. It's as if I have to view sex as some kind of hobby or (unpaid) second job, like it's a big deal that requires a lot of reading, research, introspection, thought, etc. It'd be like, you have to spend hours a day researching meals from different cultures and experimenting with new recipies - that would turn food into a hobby or second job instead of something natural. I still recommend the book because I guess most people didn't have that experience.
Comment by shoujikinakarasu at 03/11/2022 at 00:36 UTC*
22 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Yes to this book recommendation- not just because it’s such a good one, but because it addresses perfectionism and sex and self-compassion. I’d recommend you both read it, because the brake/accelerator metaphor may also be helpful as you two further your sexual relationship.
To give both of you hope/encouragement, a good friend of mine was pretty much in the same boat- culturally Catholic but had delayed sex and relationships for other reasons and then found herself navigating both for the first time in her early 30s. She’s now married (to boyfriend #3) and has a pretty frisky and fun physical relationship, even now that they’ve had a kid. Your girlfriend might also be the type to make up for lost time once she eases into being comfortable and confident:-)
Edit: I see people asking if she’s ace, etc. I’m assuming she’s not, and there’s nothing else undiagnosed at play but going to recommend a couple romance books about love on the spectrum just because they’re really interesting and might be something to talk about even if they aren’t directly relevant. Helen Hoang is the author- her first two books are typical romances but with one partner on the spectrum (The Kiss Quotient and The Bride Test). Her third book (The Heart Principle) is excellent but pretty heavy- it was supposed to be Light Romance #3! but turned out to be semi-autobiographical and deal with some deeper trauma, so just be forewarned. I just think that if your girlfriend has been in her head more than in her body, reading might be a good way to approach some of this. I’d also say that gently getting more physical in ways that are nonjudgmental and fun can be good- walking/dancing/yoga/boxing- whatever. She may not need therapy therapy but it can’t hurt to have more fun and enjoyment in her body all around
Comment by Delicious-Horror-655 at 03/11/2022 at 06:54 UTC
8 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Therapist here— come as you are is a wonderful book and there is also a work book. There’s also an app called Dipsea and there’s a section for couples that prompts conversation and exploration of intimacy and desire. OP— the fact that you’re even asking leads me to think that you’re a safe person for her, she will need that from you in order to find her curiosity about her own desire and sexuality. Also: I just want to say that it’s completely okay to want a healthy sex life and connection. It’s actually important in a relationship so it makes sense that the two of you are having to be quite thoughtful in navigating this. She sounds maybe a little more contained or reserved? Are her parents more stoic/conservative? I am asking because I wonder how vulnerability and affection was displayed in her home and of that was something given freely or less so. Also, the intimacy you have had so far, did she enjoy that/was she able to talk with you about it after?
Just some thoughts hope it helps in some Way.