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created by [deleted] on 02/11/2022 at 21:04 UTC
178 upvotes, 75 top-level comments (showing 25)
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Comment by [deleted] at 02/11/2022 at 22:24 UTC*
69 upvotes, 0 direct replies
[deleted]
Comment by TartBriarRose at 02/11/2022 at 22:57 UTC
58 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Somewhat lapsed Catholic woman here! I’m speaking only about my own experiences, but the fear and shame from purity culture run deeper than I know how to say. Even if you’ve rejected it on a surface level, it takes a long time to totally deconstruct that, especially if you were raised in it. Sex is built up to be *such a big deal*. If she says she hasn’t felt secure enough in previous relationships, I would believe her because that actually makes total sense to me coming from our religious background. Especially since her sister got pregnant in high school. As for making her feel more comfortable, I wish I knew what to tell you. Communicate often and see what she would feel comfortable taking the lead on; she might feel more comfortable if she were in charge.
Comment by Snoo-99110 at 02/11/2022 at 22:00 UTC
112 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Have you asked if she would ideally like to wait to have sex after marriage? I ask because if she’s 35 and has never had penetrative sex and is a devout catholic she might have a complicated relationship with the idea of sex outside of marriage. Maybe not completely against it but conflicted about it?
Anyways, I was a relatively late bloomer compared to everyone I knew (early twenties so not really, but at the time I felt like it) and the most important thing was me not feeling like the other person was judging me for it and letting things go at my pace while being proactive in suggesting things that moved in that direction. Honestly I was so anxious about penetration by that point and it felt like such a big deal that without someone else leading the way it may never have happened. Sad that I have to specify but I’m talking about leading only as long as there is enthusiastic consent and asking “would you like to try x”?.
I would start the progression with baby steps and evaluate how much further you think you can take things and she would be HAPPY (not okay) with it. “It’s fine if you’re not there but would you like to touch it?” “Would you like to kiss it?” “Would you like it if I put my finger inside you?” “Two fingers?”, etc
Keep it fun, lighthearted, funny and positive! :)
Comment by copy-kat-killer at 03/11/2022 at 00:11 UTC*
24 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I was in a very similar situation (I feel like this post could have been written about me, lol) a few years ago. I’m not asexual; I was just raised in a religious household and that had an impact on my life and temperament. I used to be very shy growing up and now even though I have a “normal” life, on the surface- I have several close friends, a good job, and don’t have any problems getting dates, I’ve struggled with getting into relationships and having sex due to my background.
I’m also a perfectionist and was afraid of sex being bad since I’m inexperienced. From my standpoint, it was extremely frustrating bc I did want to have sex, it just took a while for me to get comfortable. I know that can be hard for people to understand, but I was extremely attracted to the person I was dating, just needed some time to get comfortable. I know that I could’ve been better at communicating where I was at. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of meeting her where she’s at, I would just keep talking with her and not judging her. That was the biggest thing that would have helped me, the guy I was dating was pretty understanding, but he would occasionally make some judgmental comments (I don’t think he meant to; I think he was just having a hard time understanding where I was coming from).
Comment by Thnks-Fr-The-Mmrs at 02/11/2022 at 21:55 UTC
52 upvotes, 2 direct replies
So she's serious about being catholic? Are you sure she wants to have sex before marriage?
Also, the fact that you're get most serious relationship so far does not guarantee that she feels as strongly as you do.
You guys really, really need to keep communicating and talking about these things.
Comment by SpecificEnough at 03/11/2022 at 00:18 UTC*
16 upvotes, 2 direct replies
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Comment by InCraZPen at 02/11/2022 at 22:36 UTC
39 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Hoping someone changes in a few years isn’t a great plan for a relationship. She could change and really turn into a physical being, but she made it 35 years without the need and it’s entirely possible that is just the way she wants to be concsciosly or subconsciously.
Think you need to eventually talk about it a deep level.
Comment by kay_candy at 02/11/2022 at 23:10 UTC
21 upvotes, 0 direct replies
As a late bloomer myself and for similar hangups as your gf as you’ve mentioned in some comments (a friend got pregnant at 15, perfectionist, etc.) my advice would be to keep reassuring her that sex can’t be expected to be perfect. Encourage her to let go and have fun. Let her know it’s a mess, but it’s a fun mess, and that’s the great part, it’s fun and can be beautiful and bonding.
I think you’re doing things right, not pressuring her and making sure you’re making her as comfortable with intimacy as you can. Keep that up and it should be fine.
Comment by [deleted] at 02/11/2022 at 23:02 UTC
10 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I think just make her as comfortable as possible. Ask her gently would you like to try this? And if she says no give her lots of reassurance and affection. Ask different things when it feels right. It will get her thinking about those things and thats the first step. The most important thing is to not pressure but gently ask. Ask her what you can do to make her comfortable and take care of her. But also check she isn't waiting for marriage or engagement before wanting to try just so you understand her mindset and boundaries. Good luck x
Comment by TheMoralBitch at 02/11/2022 at 21:49 UTC
54 upvotes, 1 direct replies
she pretty much said she's afraid of being awkward and her being a perfectionist keeps her from wanting to.
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Real talk.... while some shyness and hesitance is normal, this degree of it is not. If she's so afraid of this that she's a virgin at 35 years old, there's likely a level of insecurity and lack of self-esteem there that will require therapy to deal with. Even with that, sex will probably never be entirely comfortable for her.
Comment by Sopranoanoano at 02/11/2022 at 23:32 UTC
17 upvotes, 1 direct replies
As a late bloomer myself also waiting for a solid relationship and connection with someone before sleeping with them, I’d say you’re doing everything right! Just keep doing what you’re doing and major props to you for wanting to be patient with her and take things at her pace. Speaking from my own experience it’s just building that trust. So whatever you can do to show her that you’re trustworthy and respectful will win you major points in her eyes. Communicate with her and ask questions, get curious. Maybe suggest more sexual-esque things you both could do that aren’t penetrative in order for her to feel more comfortable: foreplay, mutual masturbation, dry humping in different positions, coach her by suggesting things that would feel good to you when she does them, “Me imagining you doing [this] to me so turns me on”, “I’ve always wanted to try [this] with you”, take her hands and show her the strokes you like and where to put them, etc. That will also help her feel less awkward and less like she doesn’t have a clue what to do. I know for me, I’m a major over thinker and someone giving me ideas or a roadmap to someone’s pleasure the first few times would really help make sex less daunting and overwhelming.
Comment by [deleted] at 03/11/2022 at 06:51 UTC*
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I was 27 when I first had sex (Mormon upbringing here, woo!)- and I had some strong, socialized ideas about a hierarchy of significance of different sex acts. I eased into becoming more physical with my partner, but had hang-ups about p in v sex especially. The things that made me feel the most safe in exploring sexuality in my relationship were really clear, honest communication, attentiveness and clear prioritization of my pleasure, feeling that my pace and comfort were consistently respected (he verbalized as much very explicitly emphasizing his enjoyment of me as a person), and sex education when it came up. As soon as clothes started coming off, he had volunteered info about his up-to-date STD testing, which I was so grateful he broached as I hadn’t had that experience. We’d often pillow-talk after being intimate about what we particularly liked and I built so much trust with him over time that when I did eventually decide to have what I then perceived as the pinnacle of sex, it felt incredibly safe and fun to explore that together. (I should mention I was simultaneously unraveling some of the religiously influenced ideas and shame about sex all along this process on my own- which also helped my comfort level, though it’s unclear how relevant the religious piece might be for your partner).
Also, Mormonism’s moral judgment of masturbation paired with the idea that women are responsible for men’s “lust” and “impure thoughts” really messed with me. It was so so liberating for me to understand that my partner didn’t “need”me for sexual relief or gratification once he was aroused—that his sexual satisfaction was something he took complete ownership of, but something we could also share in together if I wanted. It sounds so simple, but that was revolutionary for me to experience given my upbringing and contributed to my comfort level as well. He never made me feel as if I owed him anything, but was appreciative of what intimacy we shared together.
It sounds like you really care for this woman, and I wish you both well!!
Comment by 40ishlady at 03/11/2022 at 00:33 UTC
20 upvotes, 0 direct replies
As someone who was a virgin until later in life, I understand your girlfriend. You'll be surprised to know it's more common than people would think. A lot of late bloomers don't go through life thinking or planning they will be.
To be honest, the biggest hold back is that you get to a certain age and you become very self conscious about it. The fact that she was comfortable enough to tell you says a lot. It's also wonderful to see that you care about making her comfortable.
My advice, keep your communication open. Let her know you'd like to do more but at her pace. Let her know that there is no perfect and that it's more about exploring each other on another level. Take it slow, start with some basic vanilla sex and go from there.
Comment by [deleted] at 02/11/2022 at 22:00 UTC
30 upvotes, 2 direct replies
[deleted]
Comment by ScornfulChicken at 03/11/2022 at 02:01 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
If she is not comfortable saying I love you, I don’t think she’s comfortable moving forward physically. At least that’s from my perspective and experience in myself. I was a late bloomer too. It’s definitely important to communicate about these things often and not push her forward physically. When she is ready, she will be ready. All you can do is keep doing what you’re doing, be positive and understanding of her choices, compliment her and make her feel safe. Provide a safe place for her without being forceful of what you want. She may not be ready now, but she will sooner or later. If you really Love her you will wait as long as you need to without moving it forward unless she asks you to. Communicate that, some women like men to take the lead and will let you know when you have reached a boundary. Ultimately a woman needs to feel safe physically before any of that and this is coming from my experience that took me years of dating to realize the right guy for me made me feel safe, secure, loved and then I actually enjoyed intimacy.
Comment by SaskrotchBMC at 02/11/2022 at 22:16 UTC
15 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I hope it works out between you both and everything ends up fine.
My worry is that she may be like asexual or something along those lines.
Comment by StaticCaravan at 02/11/2022 at 23:40 UTC
56 upvotes, 4 direct replies
OP, the most worrying thing here isn't that your girlfriend is a 35 year-old virgin, it's that you actually believe her very strange excuses for never having had sex.
She was concentrating at school, she was too busy, she was working on her career, her sister got pregnant... *none of these things are reasons for reaching 35 without ever having had sex*.
The fact she's had time for previous romantic relationships, but not sex, just underlines that.
There are clearly other issues going on here, and they may not be things that she can talk about or even identify in herself. Religion, sexuality, the asexuality spectrum (it's not binary), mental and physical health, neurodiversity- all of these things may play some part in this.
But I can 100% guarantee you that you will not suddenly have sex and then everything is going to be normal. If you're both serious about the relationship then this is something you're going to be working on together potentially for the rest of your lives. You may be entering a relationship which isn't ever going to be very sexual at all. You need to make sure that you're comfortable with that.
Comment by [deleted] at 03/11/2022 at 02:51 UTC*
5 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I don't fully understand what you are looking for tips for. If you are looking for tips for how to date someone who is a late bloomer, i'd say general dating tips apply. You just have to be more considerate about her lack or experience. If you are looking for tips for dating a virgin, it makes me think that you aren't fully comfortable about the situation to even be looking for guidance on it. She should be the one that would want tips on the matter if anything. I say to keep doing what you are doing, and let things progress more naturally. Until she says she loves you back i would consider tabling future talks.
Edit: @ the converting for yourself part. Converting because the belief system is similar to the one you grew up with doesn't really explain why it would motivate you to do it isolated of her involvement. If you converted and she backs out of the wedding, are you going to be as enthusiastic about the faith still. If yes, then good on you.
Comment by Ok-Way-2940 at 03/11/2022 at 04:00 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I am a female and was in a similar situation. Abstinence was ingrained in my head, college and work got in the way later in life and before you knew it I was in my late 20’s.
It helped to have an understanding partner who didn’t judge and was open to communicating and telling me how and what to do. The ability to be patient and yes at times laugh together at my awkwardness. For me the specific guidance helped, telling me what to do, what he liked and didn’t like, positioning me etc. I needed him to kind of take charge until I learned and felt comfortable enough. I think patience and understanding is important. I had dated a few guys that clearly stated they didn’t want to be a “teacher” that they preferred someone with experience. It’s important that both partners are on the same page about expectations. I was filled with a lot of doubt, nerves and was always stressing out about if I good enough compared to his other partners. It’s important that she has your reassurance.
For me, positions where the man is in control were more helpful in the beginning (missionary/dogging style, spooning position). Me on top was awkward at first because I had no idea what I was doing/how to move. Lol. I was also very self conscious.
Communication and assurance is the key.
Comment by Floopoo32 at 03/11/2022 at 00:08 UTC
9 upvotes, 1 direct replies
My bet is that she either has a phobia about sex and closeness to other people, or has a very low sexual drive, or both.
Unfortunately I don't think this will change with you. 35 years is a long time to not explore these things. It's nice that you're trying to be patient, but I have the feeling you guys are going to be sexually incompatible.
But you can always give it a shot. Just don't waste too much time!!
Comment by StillPsychological45 at 03/11/2022 at 00:51 UTC
9 upvotes, 0 direct replies
“Late bloomer” assumes that there will be an eventual bloom
Comment by natsamurai at 03/11/2022 at 01:59 UTC*
10 upvotes, 0 direct replies
There’s a variety of reasons why your gf is still a virgin but contrary to most commenters here, I would disagree and say that it’s not necessarily a red flag. Maybe she just had other priorities in life, she shouldn’t be shamed for holding on to her values.
With that being said, most late bloomers value emotional connections over physical needs, just go slow and try new things a little bit at time before she feels ready to go all the way.
Comment by Its_Jessica_Day at 02/11/2022 at 23:52 UTC
13 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I’m very similar to your gf and it sounds like she’s demisexual. I am not sexually attracted to someone until I know they really care about me and don’t just want me because I have a vagina. I would say just continue to show her how much you love her by listening to her, hugs, cuddles, remembering details of things she tells you, etc.
I can’t speak for her but for me that would make me more comfortable.
Comment by [deleted] at 03/11/2022 at 01:21 UTC
13 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I hope this works out for you, I really do.
But bruh…you aren’t “heading towards marriage” after five and a half months. Stop lying to yourselves. She’s probably a sexual even if she’s denying it. Sexual compatibility is essential to a long term relationship. To think otherwise is just lying to yourself.
Comment by Jhawk38 at 03/11/2022 at 01:10 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Patience and understanding is all I can think of. If you guys are really clicking in every other part of the relationship I'm sure the physical side will develop with time.