42 upvotes, 1 direct replies (showing 1)
Yes. Ultimately, the difference between the 'male loneliness epidemic' and women who are equally lonely is that women *do* tend to have more access to a support network...from other women. But that's not some weird glitch of life. It's because generally other women, even the lonely ones, actively provide more support to each other (as well as to men already in our lives), and tbh we don't have a lot left to give to men who are only interested in those support networks because they are now lonely.
I feel sad for that! I have several men in my community that I have close, supportive relationships with and I have genuinely watched all of them grow and branch out to other deep relationships (especially other men), hopefully in part because of my love and encouragement and challenging them when they took our friendship for granted. I think it's important. But...I have several men I'm providing that support to already, plus my other friends who already reciprocated, plus family, plus me. I don't have any more room. Most of the femme folk I know don't have any more room either. Meanwhile my gaggle of friends are men who do have the capacity to help other men through struggles that, realistically, I *don't* completely understand -- just as they don't and can't understand mine -- so I'm relying on them to do that work now. That's the only realistic path forward I see.
Comment by comityoferrors at 14/02/2025 at 22:49 UTC
27 upvotes, 0 direct replies
And I really hope that comment doesn't sound flippant or like we shouldn't be working together to make sure everyone is healthy and supported. One of my friends who has grown and started reaching out to his pals will bring their conversations back to me every so often. The support I'm providing is basically in "teaching" him the way that I would respond to certain conflicts, and "teaching" him how to give his friends the benefit of the doubt when it seems warranted and he doesn't seem able to see it.
The friend he's trying to support is a racist, sexist asshole who has been suppressing some serious trauma for two decades, so I both don't have the energy to deal with that guy and also, crucially, don't have the rapport or trust to help him directly. I give all the credit to my friend for this, but he's managed to get that guy into therapy after years of trying. If I were just around to coddle and reassure that friend, I don't think he'd have the same outcome -- he has relied on coddling from women to validate his behavior for a really long time! Seeing a guy he trusts and admires improve his own life and encourage him to do the same has a totally different impact than what I'm capable of doing.