63 upvotes, 7 direct replies (showing 7)
Realistically, loneliness is something we should mitigate for both sexes. I think that if men were to have an equal ease of getting responses, they too will begin to yearn for a higher quality of relationships as well.
I hope I'm not stepping on any toes by replying here. But the general consensus in the women-oriented social media spaces I frequent is that men need to provide that equal access to one another. Women are not going to divert their help towards men, they are not going to create those spaces or experiences for men, the social activities, group functions, the time and energy it takes to cultivate safe spaces. Men will get an equal ease of response when they start providing it to one another, the same way women have stepped up for other women.
Comment by sarahelizam at 14/02/2025 at 23:40 UTC
76 upvotes, 4 direct replies
Women have had to create these communities of support largely due to the struggles they’ve faced, and it turns out (unsurprisingly) that makes them often more resilient to loneliness. But I don’t think anyone here in any way suggested that women as a group owe men the social support they need. What I find puzzling about this response is that it kind of erases individual interactions. I meet lonely people of all genders regularly, when they’re putting in the effort to put themselves out there. I was extremely lonely for a while due to disability, in spite of being in a relationship - there are many types of loneliness and they have different challenges. But when I talk to people and make friends I don’t do so on the basis of gender. It’s just not even something that occurs to me. I’m nonbinary and afab, but I’m not selecting for other afab or nonbinary or even queer people when I go out into the world. I happen to end up close to many queer people in part because of the communities I hang out in, but I’m not choosing not to support cishet people out of some desire to only remain in my in-group.
Anyone is free to personally choose not to interact with or make friends with people from any group. But I find it strange that so many people are adamant about men only relying on other men, as if they go through life only open to certain kinds of non-sexual relationships with certain genders. Maybe I’m just too queer to get it, maybe the women in my circles are too, but that just always strikes me as odd in more cishet gender dynamics. No one is owed anything, men aren’t owed relationships or friendships with women… but no one here is stating otherwise and it’s strange that this is such a knee jerk response. This is the sort of truism that seems unhelpful. Like there is nothing wrong with men hoping to be friends with women, there is nothing unfeminist about becoming close to men as a woman? It’s anyone’s right to select for relationships by gender, lesbian separatists put their money where their mouth is and focus only on forming community with women. But is this constant refrain helpful? Especially here, where no one is suggesting it’s women’s jobs to fix men’s loneliness. People are exploring how gender can impact the way loneliness is experienced, what form the loneliness can take, what methods for addressing it exist (including how women have formed communities of solidarity). But comments like this just come off as tone deaf, like people need to take out their frustrations with men as a whole on the guys proactively trying to understand and address their issues (and all of our issues, as atomization, alienation under capitalism, and the erosion of community impact us all).
I’m trying to understand what value is added by telling men they should only look to other men for support and companionship. Men here overwhelmingly agree men need to do more for each other… it feels like this is a response to an issue in other spaces instead of what is actually being talked about here.
Comment by comityoferrors at 14/02/2025 at 22:26 UTC
41 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Yes. Ultimately, the difference between the 'male loneliness epidemic' and women who are equally lonely is that women *do* tend to have more access to a support network...from other women. But that's not some weird glitch of life. It's because generally other women, even the lonely ones, actively provide more support to each other (as well as to men already in our lives), and tbh we don't have a lot left to give to men who are only interested in those support networks because they are now lonely.
I feel sad for that! I have several men in my community that I have close, supportive relationships with and I have genuinely watched all of them grow and branch out to other deep relationships (especially other men), hopefully in part because of my love and encouragement and challenging them when they took our friendship for granted. I think it's important. But...I have several men I'm providing that support to already, plus my other friends who already reciprocated, plus family, plus me. I don't have any more room. Most of the femme folk I know don't have any more room either. Meanwhile my gaggle of friends are men who do have the capacity to help other men through struggles that, realistically, I *don't* completely understand -- just as they don't and can't understand mine -- so I'm relying on them to do that work now. That's the only realistic path forward I see.
Comment by [deleted] at 14/02/2025 at 22:28 UTC
23 upvotes, 1 direct replies
[removed]
Comment by Eternal_Being at 15/02/2025 at 04:42 UTC
15 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I love to provide support for my friends who are men, and I enjoy actively making space for them when they need it.
But I run into an unfortunate situation when it comes to needing some support for myself: my friends who are men are kind of bad at it. Like, they just don't seem to have the skills. They're sort of clumsy and awkward. They aren't great listeners, and when it comes to 'serious stuff' they don't really know what to say. I don't blame them for it as individuals, because I see where it comes from. And I love them all the same, haha. But it does lead me to many moments where I don't feel like they're there for me--even though we have a great time with small talk, doing activities together, etc.
Whereas I rarely feel this way with my friends who are women. It could be luck of the draw, but they seem to generally have more developed active listening skills. And so naturally I end up getting more of the support in my life from them. I'm not actively, like, going to them to be my therapist. It's just that, when people are good active listeners, these things naturally come up in conversations. And vice versa.
So I see what you're saying, and I agree, but unfortunately there's not much that 'lonely men' can do to get *others* to learn how to be supportive, you know?
You got a lot of responses on this comment, and I'm not expecting you to respond or anything. And I upvoted you :P
I just wanted to say that out loud! It's something I've never said before, and it felt good to put it out there.
Comment by someguynamedcole at 15/02/2025 at 01:03 UTC*
11 upvotes, 3 direct replies
Comment by TangerineX at 14/02/2025 at 22:28 UTC
-2 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Just to be clear, when I said "responses" I was primarily referring to heterosexual romantic responses. Men creating safe spaces for each other is not going to help improve that experience for heterosexual men in the slightest.
Comment by TimeNational1255 at 14/02/2025 at 22:46 UTC
-3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I believe their point is that while there are similar issues of *platonic* loneliness facing both young men and young women, there is much more of a gender disparity when we specifically focus on *romantic* relationships (the part you're quoting is very clearly referring to romantic relationships specifically, in context.) That is, by definition, simply not an issue that can be dismissed with "men need to help other men".