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View submission: Yes, Dads Can Struggle With Postpartum Depression—Here’s Why
I know dad is the biggest part of my life, but it's not the only part of my life and we've had many discussions around the idea that we won't be healthy adults if we have to set aside our whole selves to focus every moment around our children.
I made it sound like I've become a shut-in, and that's not the case. I still have things, but I had to give up some things that were big to me. I used to do a ton of canoeing, camping, and hiking. I still go on hikes but just day hikes now, no overnighters. I take my kids canoeing, but not often enough and it's just day paddles. I can't do those things at the same level of intensity I used to: it would not be fair to my wife for me to fuck off into the bush for extended periods of time and leave her alone with the kids. I know I will have time for that again once the kids are launched, but will I ever feel comfortable again, for example, spending two weeks alone in the bush? I probably won't ever be the guy who does **that** again. My skills will be rusty, my body older. Most importantly, I've learned that the acceptable risk threshold changes when you have kids.
Instead of fighting the change, I'm choosing to let it carry me. I am thinking of volunteering to help coach my kids' soccer teams. My daughter wants to learn guitar; I might buy myself a bass and sign up for lessons with her. And I'm still doing my gardening and my carpentry - hobbies I can do at home and can easily draw the kids into when they show the interest. I'm not sure I'll ever define myself by those hobbies the way I used to define myself as an "Outdoorsman," but I don't think I have to. I'm Dad now, and that identity fits very comfortably. And I still feel the loss of that other guy.
Is it just that we are harder on ourselves than others are onto us? I did feel this way as well but I did have this conversation with my spouse.
Could be. It's not something I really want to test, tbh. I've tried before to see if others would give me grace; it didn't work out all that well for me. My mother-in-law once described me as a giant turtle: hard shell on the outside, soft and squishy on the inside. She has **no idea** how right she is.
Unlike you, I did not have that conversation with my wife. She'd had a rough go of it. Pregnancy was very hard on her and recovery was no better. She'd been through the wringer. It seemed to me that her cup was already overflowing; I didn't think I could lessen her burden and ask her to help carry mine at the same time.
my spouse said that words, "go! go be selfish with your time. It's ok!".
My wife is awesome that way. She's always been ok with me being out and doing stuff. I pulled back from things because I chose to, not because she said something. But she doesn't have much stuff of her own. I've encouraged her to take up something - anything - but she doesn't. I think she might also feel guilty taking time - and money - away from the kids. Although I try, I haven't figured out yet how to help with that.
From my end, that creates a double layered guilt. I know that solo parenting with three kids is no cake walk. I try to minimize how often I put her in that position because I know it's hard. Then on top of that, because she's not taking much time away, because she's not leaving me to solo parent very often, the whole thing feels wildly unbalanced. Even taking time away for things I need (as opposed to hobbies), I feel like I'm taking advantage of her because I don't have many chances to reciprocate. I have a counselling appointment tomorrow so I won't be home for supper. This is not something I'm doing for fun, trust me - I'm doing it because my family will benefit. But I feel guilty for doing that self-care because it takes me away from home and leaves her solo parenting again.
Shit's complicated, man.
[By now I think we're a million miles from what this sub is supposed to be about. But I'm going to go ahead and post this anyway. As men, we're not very good at talking about these things. Maybe someone lurking will read this and gain some insight into what their partner might be feeling, or see it as permission to open up about their own struggles.]
There's nothing here!