1 upvotes, 1 direct replies (showing 1)
View submission: Yes, Dads Can Struggle With Postpartum Depression—Here’s Why
A decade later I'm having to accept that even if I pick the hobbies back up again, I'll never be that guy again. That guy is gone. I feel really sad about that.
My oldest is only 6 but I'm very fortunate that for myself and my spouse, we work out time during every week where we can continue the things in our lives that makes us feel whole and complete. For me it's socializing and geek stuff, I need to play games or read comics or workout or MtG or whichever hobby I need that week. For her, it's her athleticism, it's soccer or running or skating or snowboarding.
I know dad is the biggest part of my life, but it's not the only part of my life and we've had many discussions around the idea that we won't be healthy adults if we have to set aside our whole selves to focus every moment around our children. Instead, our children will learn to see every bit of their mom and dad. To welcome the days that mommy gets to play soccer and to practice empathy when we need that time.
We take them to new year's parties with our adult friends. We adopted a mindset that we want our kids to grow up with whole parents. That our kids can see us practicing healthy habits and hobbies.
If you still haven't had that conversation, go for it. It might not work out but it's kinda not working out right now, right? And it sets up a dynamic that as your kids age, they'll might have more than 1 relationship to you. They'll know you as "dad" but also as someone who might be into the same hobbies. And this makes the transition from when they age into adulthood easier since they don't see you as an authority figure 100% of every moment.
I knew for sure that if I talked to anyone about those feelings I was going to get one - or both - of those reactions because those were my own knee-jerk reactions when I thought about those feelings.
Is it just that we are harder on ourselves than others are onto us? I did feel this way as well but I did have this conversation with my spouse. I don't think I stopped feeling guilty until my spouse said that words, "go! go be selfish with your time. It's ok!".
And each of us having this time to practice our identity has been uplifting. And now my girls are getting to the age where they want to participate in the hobbies that they see me do. They want to play DnD and they want to play soccer.
Since then, when someone I know becomes a father (or has another child), I try to make a point of catching him alone from time to time and asking him how he's feeling.
100% I do the same in my social group. My friend has got a 9mo baby and we encourage him to bring the baby along as we'll all pitch in and help out. We went to buffalo wild wings for dinner just a few months back and we all held the baby for about 15-30 minutes each. My buddy never had to hold his own child and got his first hot meal that day. + it was wings!
Comment by AGoodFaceForRadio at 13/01/2025 at 18:38 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I know dad is the biggest part of my life, but it's not the only part of my life and we've had many discussions around the idea that we won't be healthy adults if we have to set aside our whole selves to focus every moment around our children.
I made it sound like I've become a shut-in, and that's not the case. I still have things, but I had to give up some things that were big to me. I used to do a ton of canoeing, camping, and hiking. I still go on hikes but just day hikes now, no overnighters. I take my kids canoeing, but not often enough and it's just day paddles. I can't do those things at the same level of intensity I used to: it would not be fair to my wife for me to fuck off into the bush for extended periods of time and leave her alone with the kids. I know I will have time for that again once the kids are launched, but will I ever feel comfortable again, for example, spending two weeks alone in the bush? I probably won't ever be the guy who does **that** again. My skills will be rusty, my body older. Most importantly, I've learned that the acceptable risk threshold changes when you have kids.
Instead of fighting the change, I'm choosing to let it carry me. I am thinking of volunteering to help coach my kids' soccer teams. My daughter wants to learn guitar; I might buy myself a bass and sign up for lessons with her. And I'm still doing my gardening and my carpentry - hobbies I can do at home and can easily draw the kids into when they show the interest. I'm not sure I'll ever define myself by those hobbies the way I used to define myself as an "Outdoorsman," but I don't think I have to. I'm Dad now, and that identity fits very comfortably. And I still feel the loss of that other guy.
Is it just that we are harder on ourselves than others are onto us? I did feel this way as well but I did have this conversation with my spouse.
Could be. It's not something I really want to test, tbh. I've tried before to see if others would give me grace; it didn't work out all that well for me. My mother-in-law once described me as a giant turtle: hard shell on the outside, soft and squishy on the inside. She has **no idea** how right she is.
Unlike you, I did not have that conversation with my wife. She'd had a rough go of it. Pregnancy was very hard on her and recovery was no better. She'd been through the wringer. It seemed to me that her cup was already overflowing; I didn't think I could lessen her burden and ask her to help carry mine at the same time.
my spouse said that words, "go! go be selfish with your time. It's ok!".
My wife is awesome that way. She's always been ok with me being out and doing stuff. I pulled back from things because I chose to, not because she said something. But she doesn't have much stuff of her own. I've encouraged her to take up something - anything - but she doesn't. I think she might also feel guilty taking time - and money - away from the kids. Although I try, I haven't figured out yet how to help with that.
From my end, that creates a double layered guilt. I know that solo parenting with three kids is no cake walk. I try to minimize how often I put her in that position because I know it's hard. Then on top of that, because she's not taking much time away, because she's not leaving me to solo parent very often, the whole thing feels wildly unbalanced. Even taking time away for things I need (as opposed to hobbies), I feel like I'm taking advantage of her because I don't have many chances to reciprocate. I have a counselling appointment tomorrow so I won't be home for supper. This is not something I'm doing for fun, trust me - I'm doing it because my family will benefit. But I feel guilty for doing that self-care because it takes me away from home and leaves her solo parenting again.
Shit's complicated, man.
[By now I think we're a million miles from what this sub is supposed to be about. But I'm going to go ahead and post this anyway. As men, we're not very good at talking about these things. Maybe someone lurking will read this and gain some insight into what their partner might be feeling, or see it as permission to open up about their own struggles.]