3 upvotes, 1 direct replies (showing 1)
View submission: Yes, Dads Can Struggle With Postpartum Depression—Here’s Why
I lost a bit of my own identity there. I had so fully become dad that I forgot what Greyfox used to like to do. And I actually felt grief about this. I LIKED who I was.
Yeah, I feel that. Big time.
I gave up a few hobbies when my kids were born because those pursuits took me away from home too much. I changed my volunteer activities, too, and cut back dramatically on how much time I was giving.
And yeah, I felt grief for that. Still do. I loved what I did. Those hobbies and that volunteerism were cornerstones of my identity, or at least of what I understood my identity to be. It wasn't just "I don't do this thing anymore;" because these things were so central to my identity, it was "I am not this person anymore." And like you says, I LIKED who I was. I really miss that guy. When my first was born, I told myself that eventually I would get back to those things, be that person again. A decade later I'm having to accept that even if I pick the hobbies back up again, I'll never be that guy again. That guy is gone. I feel really sad about that.
There's not a lot of space for giving voice to that, though, which makes it hard to get support. There's another thread on this sub right now that includes discussion of the idea that "what you say will be used against you." I don't buy that, mostly because I don't think it's intentional. But there are things a smart guy just doesn't say because they're going to land so poorly. This whole line of thought fits into that category.
As I'm holding my first born child, as my wife is physically broken from the delivery and stuck on the hormone roller-coaster, how do I express that I feel sad for giving up my hobbies without sounding like an immature, spoiled, self-centered little shit of a "man?" Whoever I talk to, if I express those feelings, the knee-jerk reaction is predictable. It's either going to be *How does this guy think he has any right to complain when he's not the one who just* ***literally pushed a baby out of his body?*** or it'll be T*his guy cares more about playing stupid games with his boys than he does about his child.* That second one is really scary.
I knew for sure that if I talked to anyone about those feelings I was going to get one - or both - of those reactions because those were **my own** knee-jerk reactions when I thought about those feelings. It's been ten years and I **still** feel guilty for having felt that way. And let's be honest: there's almost nothing out there to suggest that a new father discussing the kind of things I felt would find an empathetic audience. There's nothing to suggest that we have the right to feel that way. No reason to believe that anybody else would extend me any more grace than I was giving myself. I mean, nobody even asked me. I got a lot of "How is the baby?" and a lot of "How's your wife holding up?" but I never got "How are you doing?"
And, like you says, it's not all bad. Until I had kids I never knew I was capable of loving someone so much. We've had great experiences together. We've made great memories. And we're not done yet: we'll make so many more. To use a phrase I learned from them, they fill my bucket. To overflowing. I make a point to focus on the good. But I do remember moments where I felt powerfully sad, and very alone.
Since then, when someone I know becomes a father (or has another child), I try to make a point of catching him alone from time to time and asking him how he's feeling.
Comment by greyfox92404 at 13/01/2025 at 17:48 UTC
1 upvotes, 1 direct replies
A decade later I'm having to accept that even if I pick the hobbies back up again, I'll never be that guy again. That guy is gone. I feel really sad about that.
My oldest is only 6 but I'm very fortunate that for myself and my spouse, we work out time during every week where we can continue the things in our lives that makes us feel whole and complete. For me it's socializing and geek stuff, I need to play games or read comics or workout or MtG or whichever hobby I need that week. For her, it's her athleticism, it's soccer or running or skating or snowboarding.
I know dad is the biggest part of my life, but it's not the only part of my life and we've had many discussions around the idea that we won't be healthy adults if we have to set aside our whole selves to focus every moment around our children. Instead, our children will learn to see every bit of their mom and dad. To welcome the days that mommy gets to play soccer and to practice empathy when we need that time.
We take them to new year's parties with our adult friends. We adopted a mindset that we want our kids to grow up with whole parents. That our kids can see us practicing healthy habits and hobbies.
If you still haven't had that conversation, go for it. It might not work out but it's kinda not working out right now, right? And it sets up a dynamic that as your kids age, they'll might have more than 1 relationship to you. They'll know you as "dad" but also as someone who might be into the same hobbies. And this makes the transition from when they age into adulthood easier since they don't see you as an authority figure 100% of every moment.
I knew for sure that if I talked to anyone about those feelings I was going to get one - or both - of those reactions because those were my own knee-jerk reactions when I thought about those feelings.
Is it just that we are harder on ourselves than others are onto us? I did feel this way as well but I did have this conversation with my spouse. I don't think I stopped feeling guilty until my spouse said that words, "go! go be selfish with your time. It's ok!".
And each of us having this time to practice our identity has been uplifting. And now my girls are getting to the age where they want to participate in the hobbies that they see me do. They want to play DnD and they want to play soccer.
Since then, when someone I know becomes a father (or has another child), I try to make a point of catching him alone from time to time and asking him how he's feeling.
100% I do the same in my social group. My friend has got a 9mo baby and we encourage him to bring the baby along as we'll all pitch in and help out. We went to buffalo wild wings for dinner just a few months back and we all held the baby for about 15-30 minutes each. My buddy never had to hold his own child and got his first hot meal that day. + it was wings!