14 upvotes, 1 direct replies (showing 1)
If we can't trust someone to say no, then we can't trust their yes.
A small thing that you could do together which might start to gently shift things, is to practice verbally saying no in a very low stakes situation.
For example - play a game together, let's call it the no game.
You're both sitting somewhere comfortable together, and you can also include friends/other people you know if you want to make it even sillier.
One person is A and the other person is B - A can ask B for things they would like to either do to them, or have done to them or for them, the sillier the better - and B must say no, even if they're things they want to do or would love.
You're not going to act on these things - just say no. For example you could ask "may I lick your eyeballs?" "would you like a hug" "may I hug you" "may I make you a cup of coffee" "may I scratch your back really hard" "may I paint your nails" "will you make me dinner" "do you want to go to such and such for dinner" remember, the sillier the better. And you're not going to act on any of these things.
Both have a go at being the no person and play it for at least 3 minutes if you can each. If there's more than one other person you all ask the same person at the same time, and they need to say no to everything.
It's really good to ask for things that you know they would love, as well as things that are things they wouldn't like - but nothing violent or scary. It's supposed to be light hearted.
You can also do the same activity saying yes. And it's good to balance it out with both.
When someone isn't used to saying no, whether for cultural or family reasons or because of trauma or abuse, this can be a really powerful exercise. Simply verbalising no can feel really scary or confronting initially. And practice in such a low stakes way, really really helps.
Remember, don't act on any of the things. It's an exercise/game not a commitment. And the no and yes must be verbal. You gotta say the word to get better at using it when it matters.
Take turns so you both get a chance to answer no and ask for things (this can also be really confronting for lots of people).
It's also really great to reflect afterwards on how you feel in your body when you're saying no to things you really would like, and no to things you really don't want. This can be a great learning too.
Edited to add, and absolutely there is hope. But she also has to want to change, as do you, and you'd need to be supportive in practical ways of those changes.
There absolutely is the opportunity there for you both to grow and change and keep your relationship/make it stronger.
Comment by Midas_Ag at 13/01/2025 at 23:32 UTC
3 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I’ve read this and I am digesting it. Thank you for the thoughtful take on it. It’s appreciated.