Girlfriends(33f) submissiveness has me(42M) at a breaking point. Can it be saved? Should it?

https://www.reddit.com/r/RelationshipsOver35/comments/1i0pn5v/girlfriends33f_submissiveness_has_me42m_at_a/

created by Midas_Ag on 13/01/2025 at 21:48 UTC*

24 upvotes, 32 top-level comments (showing 25)

Edit #2: We talked last night, and agreed that stepping back, and her getting into therapy is needed. I will be there for her, as much as I can, but will not be with her, or a romantic partner. She is scared that she is more broken than she realizes, and that therapy will be hard and opening it all up will be overwhelming. I told her that it will be hard, but you can't keep slicing open the same wound, and expect it to heal. She told me she had spent the each night the last 7-10 nights crying her eyes out over the few things she had told me she knew she needed to work on, as she knew it wasn't healthy, and wasn't good for either of us. She said she wants to be healthy, and find herself, for her. When I mentioned to her that being self sacrificing isn't healthy in this relationship, she responded with "But love is sacrificing..." and I had to stop her, and explain that yes, to a degree, but not to self harm. She actually scheduled her first therapy appt last night, and I'm beyond happy that she took me seriously and is seeking the help she needs to heal, and find herself, her voice, and her place in the world, again.*

Edit: Thank you all for commenting and providing insight. I am going to be talking to my therapist today about the best way to approach a breakup and moving forward. We had a very brief discussion last night where she said she realizes she has a lot of work to do, and I agree. I have a few things to work on as well. I am open to reconnecting in the future, but this just isn't what I want or need at the moment. Thank you.*

My(42M) girlfriend (33F) is super submissive in most aspects of life, including our relationship, sex life, at work, and just in general. This has been almost from day 1 of our 6 month relationship. I am at a breaking point, and not sure I can continue this. Does anyone have experience in this, or have brought a relationship back from this type of behavior? Some of the things that are really bothering me are below.

For some background, she spent 8 years in a relationship with a guy who would get upset, go no contact for days on end, etc, whenever they did something he did not want to do. If she wanted to go to her parents cabin for the weekend, he wouldn’t go, and told her not to bother contacting him while she was there. He also was manipulative and cheated on her multiple times. I don’t doubt that spending 8 years of this destroyed her in some way, but I have been encouraging her to talk to me, to voice her opinions, etc, and even to try therapy. But we’re still at the same talking points and issues, again and again.

Completely submissive, as in has literally told me she wont, and can’t, tell me no, on anything. This is repeated more than once a week, when appropriate. If I ask if she wants to do something, or hey, we should X, its “ I can’t tell you no”
Whenever I tell her it's OK for her to do something, or it's not an issue for me to drive separate to a family event, or for her to spend the weekend at her parents instead of with me, she gets super apologetic, overly anxious, and starts over apologizing, and asking if I'm sure its ok. I've had to stop her multiple times and tell her that it is ok, and I'd tell her otherwise if it wasn't. But that she has to live her life too.
Seems to want to be a passenger in life. She won’t make decisions, won’t tell me what she wants, and gets upset if I ask her what she wants to do. She has told me that me asking her what she wants makes her frustrated and anxious.
This applies to our sex life as well. She wont tell me what she wants, other than that I can do whatever I want to her. Even if it hurts her, or she doesn’t want it. She will do it for me because its want I want, or it makes me happy. For instance, if we are having sex, and I initiate anal, and she winces, or covers her face, I’ll ask her if I should stop, and she tells me no, to keep going, etc etc. Afterwords, trying to talk to her, she just says, “I know you like anal, so I’ll deal with it”. In that vein, she has told me multiple times I do NOT have to ask for consent and to just do whatever I want, whenever I want. I should add that when I do stop she get defensive and wants to know why I stopped, she didn't tell me to, that I should have just kept going.
She gets defensive easily, even when I’m trying to tell her how I feel, or how something makes me feel, it gets turned around, only for her to apologize later that night.
She is already mentioning that she will be homeless in a year or so when her sister moves out so what are WE going to do about it. Early in the relationship she was also talking about how she would make me breakfast and make sure I was out of bed when I went from remote to in office. That was like 1-2 months in to the relationship.
During sex, when she gets super submissive, I tend to overcompensate and become overly dominant, and afterwords, I don’t like the way I feel. I tend to be a bit more dominant in the bedroom, but still like a woman who knows what she wants, and isn't afraid to ask for it, or tell me. I am starting to get to a point where I am recognizing I am overly aggressive, and hate it. I am working with my therapist on this.
This sounds bad, but the other day when she was over I just wanted her to stop talking and leave. There have been several times where something happens and I think “I’m not doing this, I won’t accept this in my life” but then I can’t ever seem to pull the trigger on the breakup.

I’m not looking for her to necessarily be an equal force of nature, but to have boundaries, to have some sense of self, and speak up for herself. To be able to tell me no. To tell me what SHE wants to do, and not resort to “whatever you want” on everything.

And yes, I have talked to her about these things several times. I don’t know if I need to take another approach, or to just end things now, so she can work on herself, find her own voice, and so forth. Because I don’t want someone who isn’t capable or comfortable to be my equal. To voice their opinions, who can take a little control in the bedroom, tell me what they want or need. Not just be submissive on it all.

Is there any hope?

Comments

Comment by skyoutsidemywindow at 13/01/2025 at 22:02 UTC

108 upvotes, 4 direct replies

I didn’t read past the fact that she can’t say no. Someone who cannot say no cannot safely engage in a relationship, especially a sexual relationship, with another person. She needs to be single and get real support for this. You need to not be with her and definitely not have sex with her. I’m sorry

Comment by KarmaChameleon306 at 13/01/2025 at 22:10 UTC

47 upvotes, 3 direct replies

Date people for who they currently are, not for who you hope they will become. A lesson I learned the hard way.

Comment by DarthLokiii at 13/01/2025 at 22:05 UTC

34 upvotes, 1 direct replies

She cannot be in a healthy relationship if she can't even consent to sex. She needs massive amounts of therapy.

It sounds exhausting being forced to parent your significant other because they refuse to make any choices for themselves.

Comment by daneneebean at 14/01/2025 at 01:26 UTC

10 upvotes, 1 direct replies

She’s not completely “submissive” and just willing to go along with whatever you want, since you’ve said in sexual situations when you stop bc *you* feel uncomfortable, she chastises you- why did you stop, she didn’t tell you to, etc. That’s not a submissive character or attitude. That’s a damaged one. She is sacrificing her comfort and sense of self for her partner at her own choosing. She’s self sabotaging. You cannot have a healthy and successful relationship with someone like that especially when they’re not even in therapy to try to improve it. God this girl needs so much therapy and you’re just making it worse by staying with her. It seems like you’re making yourself worse too.

Comment by Ckrapp at 13/01/2025 at 23:24 UTC

11 upvotes, 1 direct replies

A lot of people are giving you good advice and you should listen to them.

I just want to add that you are also putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. You feel gross because you know that consent can’t happen. Because of her trauma, you are now in danger because you are forced to be an aggressor. It wouldn’t stand up in court and a cop would never care but you are having sex without consent. And it’s not CNC, because she can’t. It’s scary.

Comment by _Sunshine_please_ at 13/01/2025 at 22:30 UTC*

13 upvotes, 1 direct replies

If we can't trust someone to say no, then we can't trust their yes.

A small thing that you could do together which might start to gently shift things, is to practice verbally saying no in a very low stakes situation.

For example - play a game together, let's call it the no game.

You're both sitting somewhere comfortable together, and you can also include friends/other people you know if you want to make it even sillier.

One person is A and the other person is B - A can ask B for things they would like to either do to them, or have done to them or for them, the sillier the better - and B must say no, even if they're things they want to do or would love.

You're not going to act on these things - just say no. For example you could ask "may I lick your eyeballs?" "would you like a hug" "may I hug you" "may I make you a cup of coffee" "may I scratch your back really hard" "may I paint your nails" "will you make me dinner" "do you want to go to such and such for dinner" remember, the sillier the better. And you're not going to act on any of these things.

Both have a go at being the no person and play it for at least 3 minutes if you can each. If there's more than one other person you all ask the same person at the same time, and they need to say no to everything.

It's really good to ask for things that you know they would love, as well as things that are things they wouldn't like - but nothing violent or scary. It's supposed to be light hearted.

You can also do the same activity saying yes. And it's good to balance it out with both.

When someone isn't used to saying no, whether for cultural or family reasons or because of trauma or abuse, this can be a really powerful exercise. Simply verbalising no can feel really scary or confronting initially. And practice in such a low stakes way, really really helps.

Remember, don't act on any of the things. It's an exercise/game not a commitment. And the no and yes must be verbal. You gotta say the word to get better at using it when it matters.

Take turns so you both get a chance to answer no and ask for things (this can also be really confronting for lots of people).

It's also really great to reflect afterwards on how you feel in your body when you're saying no to things you really would like, and no to things you really don't want. This can be a great learning too.

also obviously not a replacement for therapy and working through big issues, but you'd be surprised at how powerful this can be.

Edited to add, and absolutely there is hope. But she also has to want to change, as do you, and you'd need to be supportive in practical ways of those changes.

There absolutely is the opportunity there for you both to grow and change and keep your relationship/make it stronger.

Comment by Justyew0789 at 13/01/2025 at 22:53 UTC

6 upvotes, 1 direct replies

You can’t change someone and you can’t force them to go to therapy. She needs to realize that she needs help, and maybe you breaking up with her might force her to get the help she needs. It sounds exhausting for the both of you.

Comment by --2021-- at 14/01/2025 at 01:49 UTC*

6 upvotes, 1 direct replies

I found this very helpful for both choosing partners and navigating relationships.

I think one of the things that really stuck out to me was Gottman saying, when you choose your relationships you choose your fights. Basically whatever conflicts or issues you have at the start, you will continue to have all the way through. It's a matter of how you "fight", ie how you communicate together and work through issues. He basically learned after researching couples for decades, it's the ones that "fight well" that are happy. So choosing someone compatible and navigating conflict well.

Basically if you choose someone who doesn't meet your needs, or you wish would change to meet your needs in some way, you're choosing to endure that for the duration of the entire relationship. You date on potential, this is the outcome.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKTyPgwfPgg

Comment by crudelikechocolate at 13/01/2025 at 22:07 UTC

8 upvotes, 1 direct replies

This level of lack of boundary and self esteem needs extensive therapy. If you want to stay together, at least start with couples counseling. But this is not something that you can fix. She has to want to get well.

Also I can promise you that there are submissive women or women that like anal who are not like this. Part of being a good sub is to be able to communicate about limits

Comment by ModerateSympathy at 13/01/2025 at 23:54 UTC

4 upvotes, 1 direct replies

Okay, I say this as someone who envisions a free use relationship when I find the right person. I also heavily prioritize my partners happiness…having said that, she needs serious therapy and you’re doing more harm than good by becoming her new abuser. If you love her, stop enabling this behavior and push her to therapy. Keep telling her that you’re not comfortable with this and this is not the dynamic you want in your relationship.

If things end between you two and she finds a new genuinely abusive person, then that an unfortunate reality that she’ll have to face. But you’re not her guardian and you can’t lose out on your life for her.

Comment by bookrt at 13/01/2025 at 22:42 UTC

7 upvotes, 1 direct replies

I think there's no hope. You already have a foot out the door "I just want her to stop talking and leave"

I hope she gets the help she needs. I'm scared she won't and will end up with another abusive partner. It's pretty clear her ex completely broke her.

Comment by Ok_Calligrapher_7367 at 14/01/2025 at 01:45 UTC

3 upvotes, 1 direct replies

6 month relationship and you're making a post like this 😬

Comment by auroraborelle at 14/01/2025 at 01:56 UTC

3 upvotes, 1 direct replies

This is extremely unhealthy, OP, and if you stay in the relationship while she refuses to change or get help, all you are doing is enabling her behavior (ie, making it okay, letting it work for her, basically approving of it).

She is eventually going to frame her inability to say no and set healthy boundaries with you as YOU being abusive to HER.

Get out now.

Comment by greatpotentialinlife at 14/01/2025 at 23:51 UTC

3 upvotes, 1 direct replies

Dude if you know the lady doesn’t like anal then why would you even suggest it or do it when you know she doesn’t like it? You keep doing something that you know she hates but because she didn’t tell you no you keep doing it, do you not have any self control or inner voice speaking to you and need someone to verbally tell you no?

Comment by yummie4mytummie at 14/01/2025 at 05:47 UTC

2 upvotes, 0 direct replies

Whoah you keep going you are enabling her to be very unstable and unhinged. She needs help. You need a come Jesus moment and realise she far outs your depth. She wants to move in with you and you want her to leave and stop talking. That’s your answer. You can’t keep doing this.

Comment by Dramatic-Math3042 at 14/01/2025 at 06:45 UTC

2 upvotes, 0 direct replies

Simple question, simple answer. Do you like who she is right now? If not… then there is your answer. Don’t try to change her. If she sees a need to change/grow then she will/can but expecting someone to be who they are not is just going to continue to frustrate both of you. Also, she’s gaslighting you and imo thats a blazing red flag.

Comment by GlamazonRunner at 14/01/2025 at 08:28 UTC

2 upvotes, 1 direct replies

She needs therapy. ASAP. She’s got some serious CPTSD from that last relationship. And unless you’re willing to hang out through all of that healing journey, then you should move on.

Comment by biogirl52 at 14/01/2025 at 20:01 UTC*

2 upvotes, 1 direct replies

A passenger in life seems like a good description. I’ve dated boys like this too, and it made me feel like mommy. No initiative was ever taken and no real career aspirations are a libido killer. I couldn’t even be friends with people like this. I see you’re planning on breaking up and honestly, I would. She needs to be on her own to figure out her sense of self instead of this enmeshment.

I have to be a high functioning corporate lizard in my masculine energy all day and prefer to revert to caveman times when we are at home. Not in every aspect but in a few very specific ones. But this is communicated extensively and not as a rule or default.

Comment by Midas_Ag at 17/01/2025 at 19:43 UTC

2 upvotes, 0 direct replies

Update : We talked last night, and agreed that stepping back, and her getting into therapy is needed. I will be there for her, as much as I can, but will not be with her, or a romantic partner. She is scared that she is more broken than she realizes, and that therapy will be hard and opening it all up will be overwhelming. I told her that it will be hard, but you can't keep slicing open the same wound, and expect it to heal. She told me she had spent the each night the last 7-10 nights crying her eyes out over the few things she had told me she knew she needed to work on, as she knew it wasn't healthy, and wasn't good for either of us. She said she wants to be healthy, and find herself, for her. When I mentioned to her that being self sacrificing isn't healthy in this relationship, she responded with "But love is sacrificing..." and I had to stop her, and explain that yes, to a degree, but not to self harm. She actually scheduled her first therapy appt last night, and I'm beyond happy that she took me seriously and is seeking the help she needs to heal, and find herself, her voice, and her place in the world, again.*

Comment by suprachromat at 13/01/2025 at 22:07 UTC

3 upvotes, 1 direct replies

Sounds like a trauma response - my armchair diagnosis as a LE REDDITOR. She needs a lot of therapy.

Comment by ThrowRAboredinAZ77 at 13/01/2025 at 22:49 UTC

3 upvotes, 1 direct replies

So you knew how she was from day one, but now you're trying to change her?

Comment by Ragdoll2023 at 13/01/2025 at 22:32 UTC

2 upvotes, 1 direct replies

Yeah sorry without her actively wanting to change then she simply won’t. You’re only 6 months in and if you’re frustrated now it will only be worse a year from now. Saying she will be homeless on a year when her sister moves out sounds like she’s trying to trap you into living g together. She can simply get a roommate. I would end it with her as gently as you can but let her know why. Too late for your relationship but may give her the insight and impetus she needs to start therapy and make changes.

Comment by eastwardarts at 14/01/2025 at 02:45 UTC

2 upvotes, 0 direct replies

Good god. There is nothing healthy about this.

She needs therapy and you do too, for accepting any of this.

Comment by Pulsatillapatens1 at 14/01/2025 at 04:07 UTC

1 upvotes, 0 direct replies

Run away. Now.

Comment by OriginalMcSmashie at 14/01/2025 at 09:56 UTC

1 upvotes, 1 direct replies

It sounds like a lot of the damage from a bad LTR didn’t get addressed prior to her entering your relationship.

She needs therapy and you probably both need relationship counseling ( presuming you want to continue the relationship with changes).

As someone who was in a bad LTR, I took time to try to work through my issues but it isn’t something that goes away easily.

Thankful my (now) amazing wife was patient and understanding as those last dredges of damage filtered out. So I would encourage patience with her.

I know its likely tough but, if you feel there might be a future there with changes, set the path to get there.