264 upvotes, 3 direct replies (showing 3)
View submission: How Men Become Aziz Ansari
Did it feel bad because you didn't want it?
Yes, basically. A scenario where you are signaling that you do not want to have sex (or have that *type* of sex) verbally and nonverbally, are clearly uncomfortable, but something about the circumstance makes you feel coerced into going along with it, feels really bad and, well, *is* really bad. It's not bad in the same way as being drugged or forced into sex at gunpoint or something, but it's still not awesome.
I think when we think about consent, there are differences between Hell yeah!, Okay, and No.
That's true -- and we gotta understand that, "No... No... No... No... Please No... Okay," is a very different experience from, "Okay."
Comment by RaggedToothViking at 17/02/2025 at 16:44 UTC
119 upvotes, 1 direct replies
It makes you feel objectified, because it's clear that YOUR experience doesn't matter to the other person, only their pleasure and desire. Sex is always better when both people are invested in pleasing each other. It's like an enhanced version of listening to someone talk about themselves for an hour when they never ask how you're doing.
Comment by lolexecs at 17/02/2025 at 20:27 UTC*
68 upvotes, 1 direct replies
FWIW, when you describe "okay" it sounds more like a no. If the will is not there I'm not sure that could ever be "Okay."
To wit, think about it as a continuum.
"NO!" - - - OKAY - - - "Hell Yeah!"
For me, "Okay" is the kind of sex you end up with when you're on month 24 of trying to conceive, and you suddenly realize it's time to "get to work."
And clearly, there's stuff between Okay and Hell Yeah!, e.g., You're back from two weeks of work travel. You're not in the mood, but choose to have sex to refresh intimacy with your partner.
Based on your comments, the way you describe "Okay" it sounds like it's somewhere between No and Okay, which I think of as the "not really consenting zone"
Comment by BuzzkillSquad at 17/02/2025 at 19:52 UTC*
52 upvotes, 2 direct replies
A scenario where you are signaling that you do not want to have sex (or have that type of sex) verbally and nonverbally, are clearly uncomfortable, but something about the circumstance makes you feel coerced into going along with it, feels really bad and, well, is really bad. It’s not bad in the same way as being drugged or forced into sex at gunpoint or something, but it’s still not awesome.
I’ve been in similar situations too, with both men and women, and I think what you’re describing is a lot worse than not awesome
What defines rape is coercion, not the level of violence. If I don’t want sex and have communicated that I don’t want it but the person I’m with pressures me into it anyway, that sex is no more consensual than it would’ve been under the threat of serious physical harm. We don’t need to have been physically forced and we don’t need to have screamed ‘no’ in anyone’s face or fought back for our withdrawal of consent to matter. That disregard for another person’s physical autonomy *is* violence, in and of itself
The issue here isn’t that we need more granular language to define serious sexual assault, it’s that we - especially us men - need to change our assumptions about rape and stop imagining it as something that only happens in the most extreme, obvious or unequivocal circumstances. It’s much more mundane than that, and coercion can be subtle to the point that it’s barely perceptible to outside observers
There are all kinds of ways to pressure people into doing things against their will, and all of us need to stop expecting ourselves and others to suck up and singlehandedly deal with everything that happens to us up to the point of serious physical violence