2 upvotes, 1 direct replies (showing 1)
View submission: Weekly Free Talk Friday Thread!
I’m going to be 45 in a couple of months and I’m starting to feel like I don’t know who the hell I am. I’m totally lost. I grew up without a father and it’s affected me a lot. I want to be the man that he never taught me how to be but I don’t know how to do that. I have an amazing wife who loves me and I just feel totally inadequate and not deserving of her. How do I get out of this? How do I become a man that I can be proud to be? How do I become a man deserving of a wife as amazing as mine?
Comment by greyfox92404 at 27/02/2025 at 17:22 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I’m totally lost. I grew up without a father and it’s affected me a lot. I want to be the man that he never taught me how to be but I don’t know how to do that.
I kind of relate to how you feel a bit. I'm middle-aged and I had to build an idea of the person that I wanted to be without a healthy example of men in my life. I *did* have a dad but he was abusive, both verbally and physically.
I tried to not keep this idea that I had to be a *certain kind of man*. It's its own kind of prison to have an idea of who we are *supposed* to be. My dad thought he had to be a specific kind of man and his anxiety/insecurity around that meant he would get into rageful bouts whenever his masculinity was challenged (so many things could set him off).
So I ended up just picking out traits I admired from other people in my life. A lot of these were fictional characters. Mick, was the manager for a small pizza joint I worked at when I was 16. The guy had a way of talking to people that was charismatic but also always made people feel good about themselves. I wanted that and so I practiced weaving in his words and mannerisms into my daily expressions.
Kenny was a guy I met while I was in the army. He was a tall, lanky and kinda goofy looking guy. But he just owned every bit of who he is. He wasn't afraid to be goofy or give something 110% and you could just feel his wholesome love he had for himself and others. Easily the most secure/confident person I've met. I wanted that in my life too.
It became a "fake until you make it" thing for me, I practiced these mannerisms and concepts and after a while, they became the default way to view things.
Now as a man that's getting older, we have a lot of habits that are pretty settled. I like my routines. I like having the same breakfast everyday. That consistency is sometimes its own reward.
So to break these routines about who we are and how we treat ourselves and other people, it's going to take effort. I won't downplay that. But the upside is that these changes can last a lifetime. Some of these things just rely on actual practice. Like most things, by practicing a new skill is uncomfortable. But if we do it enough, that uncomfortability feeling gets smaller and smaller until we're only left with the good feelings of that skill. That's me and cooking. It is no longer arduous to cook homemade tortillas for my family. I wanted to be the person in my family that connects a cultural tie to my kids. So often I hear, "my mom made tortillas growing up" as a way to express how much exposure you have to traditional mexican culture. My mom made tortillas when i was growing up. But I instead want my girls to say, "i grew up with my dad making tortillas".
Which traits do you want to see in yourself or your life?