4 upvotes, 1 direct replies (showing 1)
View submission: Weekly Free Talk Friday Thread!
Thank you for answering, I like what you said about treating socializing as an investment, but I'm having trouble knowing what to invest in. I have no connections to anybody at all, outside of work. I'm trying alot of different classes in things that interest me but it feels like no one really wants to meet other people in the places I go.
I dont know, I'm not giving up but I feel a little helpless and I usually feel like I'm banging my head against a wall
Comment by greyfox92404 at 27/01/2025 at 17:25 UTC
1 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Hey Effective, this is where specific advice over the internet is going to fall flat. In order for this advice to be meaningful and applicable, I'd have to know *you*. And that's real hard through the internet. I would need to know your hobbies, insecurities, your community, lived experience, income bracket and so many other parts of your that I just can't gather from reddit. You're just so much more interesting than I can learn the my own keyboard.
I might write up a whole thing but it won't matter if I didn't consider that you might have mobility issues. Or that you are a person of color in a deeply racist area. Or that you don't have the income to support a mild addiction to Warhammer 40k(I sure dont!). Or any of the barriers that you might encounter that I didn't consider.
I will *try*, but please keep in mind that this is the hard part. This is that part where we have to search for ways to make this incomplete advice and shove it into a mold that could possibly help you. It won't be perfect, but I hope there will be pieces that you can pick out. Or just reply to me and I will *try* to help.
I'll start with the concepts of how I did this in my life.
I went through something where I was happy with my hobbies but I wasn't able to connect to people through them. I'm pretty geeky and my hobbies have always reflected that. I'm an indoor kid. I plays games, usually single-player RPGs. I play mtg, read comics, books, i'm always building something. But the limited socialization I got from those hobbies wasn't building any new relationships. So as life happens I slowly lost more and more friends. I needed new hobbies. And not like just a few more new hobbies. I constantly needed to pursue new hobbies.
If there's one thing that builds a social connection, it's someone else sharing their passion with you. Being bad at something is an opportunity for someone to share the parts they love about a hobby. I picked up rock climbing. Soccer. Longboarding. Biking. Hiking. Cooking. And so many others. But putting myself out there to fill an empty spot on an indoor soccer team meant there was always someone trying to help me get better. I also started hosting events for the geeky hobbies I do have to include other people. I DM for a DnD table and do one-shots for various groups of people. I have hosted a few MtG draft tournaments as well.
I'm learning pickleball right now because I have a few friends that play and I'm trying to put myself more into their world.
It's not all sunshine, I used to get a bit embarrassed at being bad at something. Especially after years of only doing things I'm amazing at. That's part of the challenge though, getting comfortable being bad at something. Or at least not letting the uncomfortable feeling stop me from trying. I had to readjust how I get my fun from sports. It used to be winning, the idea of winning was fun. But now I get my fun from doing better. "I may not win, but I'm going to make you sweat. You got to earn it"
I'm trying alot of different classes in things that interest me but it feels like no one really wants to meet other people in the places I go.
Try the things that don't interest you. If our interests are the barrier to meeting new people, find a new interest. Several. And maybe you'll never like competitive cup stacking or speed walking, that's ok. But often I think we don't ever give ourselves the opportunity to like new things because the upfront cost of trying new things is feeling uncomfortable. I don't think I'll ever like bowling. I just don't get it. But I've played it enough for the uncomfortable feeling of doing it to shrink where I can honestly say that.
I learned soccer after I was an adult, playing an indoor co-ed league. I've come to love it. But there was a lot of embarrassing feelings at first. My barrier with soccer was mostly my own anxiety around being the worst player on the team. I still picked up a LOT of friends from playing soccer over the years.
"I want to get better at this, does anyone want to meet for a practice session?" is an opportunity for someone to share their passion, their history with the sport and an opportunity for drinks afterwards.
Being bad at things has made me a lot of friends over the years. (as long as I keep a positive attitude toward learning and try to have fun)
I'm having trouble knowing what to invest in
I always recommend trying cheaper hobbies first. Committing to a $2000 bike to try mountain biking is going to create a lot of bad feels if this hobby doesn't take. Do you live in a city, suburb, rural? What's your community like?