7 upvotes, 1 direct replies (showing 1)
View submission: Weekly Free Talk Friday Thread!
Hey Effective, one fox to another, the shit is hard.
I'm in my mid thirties and I also moved to a new state in my mid twenties. I also live in an area that isn't known to be openly friendly, "seattle freeze" and all that. Combined with having kids 6 years ago and having to navigate new hobbies/identity around being a parent. It's been real hard to make new friends.
But i have had success.
I think my issue (and i dont mean to imply this is you), was that I kept trying all the strategies that made my friendships successful in my early twenties. I was used to building social connections around drinking, partying and around jobs/school that put me in close contact with similarly aged people everyday.
I aged into a career that doesn't constantly put me into regular contact with people my age. It's now got low 20s to mid 60s. That's a broader range and my pool of people that I socially connect with is much smaller. That's completely different than when I was in school or a barista, I was constantly bumping elbows with people and overhearing conversations around interests. It used to be easy to say, "Oh, I'm going to the same concert. Want to meet up?"
All the strategies that were so successful when I was 20 just didn't apply anymore. And for a while, I kinda went friendless. Or I used my brother-in-law's ability to make friends but all of my social connections were really his friends and not mine.
What has been successful is (I saw this on an episode of bluey and while it was meant for children, it works so well in my life), I just treat the people that I want to be friends with as if they are already long-time friends. That means I used the same language, casual invites and body language as if they were already my friend. That's takes some practice but I think that's what we call being a social butterfly. When I was 20, becoming a "friend" just sort of happened on the walk back to the car after a night of drinks. In my thirties, I had sort of a hesitation to call people friend if I didn't have the same connection to friends I made in my 20s. It became uncomfortable to call someone my friend because it exposed something of my own true feelings/desire/vulnerability.
I had to address my uncomfortabilities about not wanting to call acquaintances my friend. But it's easier to be friends with someone if I'm willing to put myself out there first. And if making friends is my goal, I needed to be ok with taking risks.
I also treat building my social connections like I treat an investment into my physical or mental health (or like any investment). I set money aside to do this. I set aside space/time on the calendar for it. And I put in effort and energy towards this. I always put money into my retirement up to the amount matched by my company because I know that it'll be good for my well being later in life. I needed to see my social life as having the same benefit, because it will be good for my well being later in life.
This meant that I needed to take an active role in generating friendships. I started invited randos to play DnD. I started hosting MtG draft tournaments. I started showing my interests on my sleeves to connect with other people. I wear a lanyard at work and it has a d20 on it. That's basically a universal symbol of DnD or geeky hobbies. At all times, I want some part of my outward expression of my identity to be a "if you know, we might get along". I want to use the expression of my identity as an invitation into my life.
Over the last 4 or 5 years, I've built some meaningful relationships. I now have 4 close friendships and about 20 or so friends that I see on a regular basis that I vibe with really well. I've got a close core group that does DnD, bar trivia, concerts, general hangouts. I have a soccer fam. I have a inner-city dnd group that meets for happy hour. And I've got a left-ist parent group.
Comment by Effective_Fox at 24/01/2025 at 22:06 UTC
4 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Thank you for answering, I like what you said about treating socializing as an investment, but I'm having trouble knowing what to invest in. I have no connections to anybody at all, outside of work. I'm trying alot of different classes in things that interest me but it feels like no one really wants to meet other people in the places I go.
I dont know, I'm not giving up but I feel a little helpless and I usually feel like I'm banging my head against a wall