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View submission: Love and marriage with a Libyan man?
It is never a good idea to stop your education because someone asked you to. I think if you really want to marry this man, do not accept to change your lifestyle and under no condition stop your studies for him. It’s ok to compromise on a few things sometimes in a relationship, but it should be to find a middle ground between two people not to change someone. If you think of this as a compromise, then what is he compromising in exchange? In this equation, it would be to marry him. If you think hard about it, it would make it such that marrying you is the compromise. The thing that he is doing to make things work is to marry you. Do you really want that to be the way you get married? As a compromise??? Like marrying you is a favour??? I bet not. If you think of this in terms of this equation, then it becomes an issue of self value and something you have to work on internally to wonder why and how you found yourself in a relationship where someone thinks it’s ok to ask you to change. How do you carry yourself? ….or if this came out of left field, then how and why did you attract someone who decided to hide these things from you for a year? Sorry to put in on you.
I would tell him no and take a step back. Tell him you understand and respect (if you do) his background and where he comes from, but that you value yourself and your freedom (if you do) too much to do that. He may huff and puff about how you don’t love him enough - and may will feel like you have to prove that you do to him…. but please don’t. You sound young and so does he. Maybe if you take a stand and even give him some space, he’ll work to find a way to make this work without making you do all these things. He may have to stand up to his family or even simply his own expectations of how they might react. Who he thinks he is. He now seems to think he cannot be the son who stands up to his family to do something that hasn’t been done much in his lineage. But maybe he is??? He’ll need to be challenged to actually do it. He could be too young to even dare. Or he could be ready. In any case, he should be the one to do this not you and if he is able to do it in a reasonable time for your relationship to continue, he will. If he cannot, you may need to take a step back.
Libyan culture can be difficult to navigate. It is a beautiful culture but families can be hard to deal with and so much of the culture creates obstacles for outsiders or those who choose to (or cannot help but) stand out. Trust me, a woman who married a non-Libyan (an Egyptian actually). Before I spoke to my family, I was expecting so so so much push back and my family isn’t very tribal. I didn’t get the pushback I anticipated, and maybe he won’t?? And maybe he will. It’s on him to find a way. If he cannot, I hope you stay true to who you are.
Libyan culture can be difficult and hostile towards foreigners but if a man is marrying a foreigner there can be some allowances made to the woman, because of lower expectations, like not judging her too hard if her hair is out of her hijab or if she does things a Libyan woman would be judged for. It would be him who gets made fun of and called a “dayooth” and less than a man, rather than you. So in any case, the pressure would be on him but he found a way to transfer it to you.
Also, in addition to my long comment above, I do wonder if he’s just trying to push you away/scare you off? Instead of breaking up, intimidating you. The cowards way out. If that didn’t occur to you but you think it is possible, I’d consider that.
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