https://www.reddit.com/r/Libya/comments/1ignb9e/love_and_marriage_with_a_libyan_man/
created by Poetic-eyes on 03/02/2025 at 11:50 UTC*
13 upvotes, 32 top-level comments (showing 25)
Salut, I’m an Egyptian-French girl who has been in a relationship with a Libyan man for a year. We wanted to take the next step and make our relationship official, but I was shocked when he explained the cultural and family obstacles we would face.
He told me that his family is very religiously strict and doesn't accept marriage outside their tribe. However, he believes he can persuade them...if I agree to certain conditions. These include completely changing my lifestyle (both in France and Egypt), wearing the niqab (or hijab,I’m not sure exactly), convincing my family, leaving my studies, and accepting a life with a lower level of comfort than I’m used to.
I respect cultural differences, but these conditions feel extreme to me, and I don’t fully understand the cultural or religious reasoning behind them.
My questions are , is this level of strictness common in certain families or tribes? Is there room for compromise in such situations? Or any additional clarifications please.
Comment by Justagirl_113 at 03/02/2025 at 13:04 UTC
43 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Run.
Comment by lechpicksyou19 at 03/02/2025 at 13:26 UTC
23 upvotes, 2 direct replies
My advice for you is to never leave your studies. You should compromise if you both want to work things out but always remember your non-negotiables. I'm married to a Libyan man as well for decades now. If he truly is open-minded as you say he will support you in your studies and in whatever you decide to do. I wear niqab as well but it's more of a personal choice. When talking about culture and family I am telling you for a while you will be the center of attention and talk of the town. They're not very used to foreigners so they got eyes on you. And finally you have to know that your inlaws will never leave you alone and will always be in your business if you decide to stay here. The man you knew outside Libya is never the same when he's back home. Mark my words.
Comment by PitchValuable9939 at 03/02/2025 at 12:24 UTC
11 upvotes, 1 direct replies
consider living outside of Libya it's more comfortable, even for Libyans
I am not saying Libya is a bad country, but one of the big cons here is that the people won't mind their own business
Comment by Tali334 at 03/02/2025 at 16:41 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
He’s basically giving you ALL the red flags 🚩 to RUN 🏃🏽♀️
Comment by Tali334 at 03/02/2025 at 16:47 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Just an FYI, what he’s asking you to do such as leaving school, WOULD NEVER be accepted by a Libyan girl nowadays. So NO, he’s THE one who needs to show his commitment and make sacrifices!
Comment by Mbmidnights at 03/02/2025 at 16:50 UTC*
2 upvotes, 1 direct replies
You need a brave and independent man who stands up for himself and his decisions and isn't controlled by his family, not someone who's gonna force you into becoming someone his family likes. If he's so concerned about their opinion, he should've sought only Libyan women who wear hijab and or women from his tribe instead of trying to turn you into something you're not. Imagine if you told him you can only only marry me if you follow my family's rules and keep a long beard and wear only Islamic clothes and don't finish your studies and become an Imam instead! That would be insane! But women are socially expected to make big compromises and not men.
If you don't want to wear the hijab and you like your current lifestyle the way it is, he should be totally accepting of it as you're accepting of him. Otherwise it's unfair, and again you really don't want the kind of man who's so influenced by his family and cares about their opinions too much, it shows weak character on his part.
Lastly, I assume one of your parents immigrated to France so that they would have a better chance and a better quality of life and probably worked hard so that you also get a chance at being financially independent. Don't throw all that away for a man who's not even gonna defend his choices and his partner and move back to the hellhole MENA region, pretty much undoing everything they worked for.
Comment by Bright_Bottle_300 at 03/02/2025 at 13:21 UTC
7 upvotes, 2 direct replies
I'll be completely honest with you and will put the feelings aside for a moment , a healthy relationship is never based on "I'll take someone and change him to be matching my style" , A Healthy relationship is about two people falling for each other and decide that they want to live together forever and accept the differences with trying to implement a change to each other , minor changes might be implemented yes , some sacrifice is accepted here and there , but what you are talking about is like the difference between day and night , he wants you to be completely something isn't you , it was easier for him to find someone who is simply more like him , i know that you've consumed much feelings till now , but i strongly suggest that you reconsider everything , and use your mind more than your heart , because I'm sorry for being brutally honest but from what i see there is that you both are no fit to each other at all . Coming from someone who has been into many relationships before marriage and got engaged twice .
Comment by IAintShowSpeed at 03/02/2025 at 11:58 UTC
6 upvotes, 1 direct replies
it's not a big deal actually. It's just a family thing, and you both can avoid it.
Comment by monkey-armpit at 03/02/2025 at 13:08 UTC
7 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Why exactly would you have to leave your studies to be with this man or wear the niqab? 🚩
Comment by Bartholemew1 at 03/02/2025 at 13:38 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Do not leave your studies and do not leave your job. Regardless of what happens if you accept, or you don't.
Comment by hotdog_scratch at 03/02/2025 at 13:57 UTC
2 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Give us an update, i hope he can compromise.
Comment by Federal-Point1532 at 03/02/2025 at 11:59 UTC
7 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Yeah you should run lol. He is definitely from eastern Libya cause theyre way more tribalistic and backwards than western Libyans in terms of accepting a non Libyan or even a non tribe member.
Youre not gonna have a happy marriage more over
Comment by Rich_Armadillo1632 at 03/02/2025 at 13:45 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Never ever leave your studies!!!!!
Comment by casemori at 03/02/2025 at 14:40 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
don’t leave your studies
Comment by Admirable-Bag3910 at 03/02/2025 at 12:42 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Most of the opinions in the comments are negative and based on expectations and not on reality and true stories I have friends who are married from Ukraine, from England, and from many other places Most of them faced in the first period a few superficial problems in terms of different cultures, but after a while the families merged and they lived in a happiness they had never known before. The most important thing in the whole matter is that if the man and woman understand each other, then all other obstacles can be solved Are you Muslim? If you are a Muslim, then all other matters are superficial and can be reached and resolved by wearing the niqab not always, but only in certain places. And other family customs you will learn in the future, and you will have a family and be busy raising your children, and all this talk will remain superficial and you will not remember it. Good luck
Comment by Similar_Ad_3664 at 03/02/2025 at 13:28 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
If he has no problem with how you live and is ok with your current lifestyle, his family shouldn't be a problem, I mean yeah they could bother him a bit but he is a grown man and this is his life so he can marry you and force them to accept somehow.
Now if you plan to move and settle in Libya, that's another story entirely.
Comment by Wooden_Oil7961 at 03/02/2025 at 14:17 UTC
0 upvotes, 0 direct replies
u should run. he’s asking u to stop ur studies?? change the way u r?? that’s not a relationship u want to be trapped in. especially if u lose ur education n u want to leave, ur gonna have to start over a bit more. you’ll find someone better. he knew that his family had strict rules before yall got together, but he’s only telling u now?
seriously, run.
Comment by [deleted] at 03/02/2025 at 13:42 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
[removed]
Comment by AlarmedMasterpiece52 at 03/02/2025 at 18:37 UTC*
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
leave him ASAP!! I’m libyan too and I’ve dealt with men that are like this. He would always use religion as an excuse for his behavior and he turned out to be super manipulative and controlling. Him asking you to leave your studies is a MAJOR red flag, if you do that you will be in a very vulnerable position having to financially depend on him… and he will probably use that even more to try to control you. Trust me I didn’t listen to a friend on this and I wasted two years of my life, because I wanted to see the best in him and I ignored all the red flags.
Comment by Even_Description2568 at 03/02/2025 at 18:37 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
They’re somewhat normal in tribal communities, but you’re not from them. If he wants you to do this only infront of them for the beginning of ur marriage just as a show then there isn’t an issue, but if he wants you to stay like this for the rest of ur lives then you’d be a fool not to question it.
Comment by artfoliage at 03/02/2025 at 19:44 UTC*
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It is never a good idea to stop your education because someone asked you to. I think if you really want to marry this man, do not accept to change your lifestyle and under no condition stop your studies for him. It’s ok to compromise on a few things sometimes in a relationship, but it should be to find a middle ground between two people not to change someone. If you think of this as a compromise, then what is he compromising in exchange? In this equation, it would be to marry him. If you think hard about it, it would make it such that marrying you is the compromise. The thing that he is doing to make things work is to marry you. Do you really want that to be the way you get married? As a compromise??? Like marrying you is a favour??? I bet not. If you think of this in terms of this equation, then it becomes an issue of self value and something you have to work on internally to wonder why and how you found yourself in a relationship where someone thinks it’s ok to ask you to change. How do you carry yourself? ….or if this came out of left field, then how and why did you attract someone who decided to hide these things from you for a year? Sorry to put in on you.
I would tell him no and take a step back. Tell him you understand and respect (if you do) his background and where he comes from, but that you value yourself and your freedom (if you do) too much to do that. He may huff and puff about how you don’t love him enough - and may will feel like you have to prove that you do to him…. but please don’t. You sound young and so does he. Maybe if you take a stand and even give him some space, he’ll work to find a way to make this work without making you do all these things. He may have to stand up to his family or even simply his own expectations of how they might react. Who he thinks he is. He now seems to think he cannot be the son who stands up to his family to do something that hasn’t been done much in his lineage. But maybe he is??? He’ll need to be challenged to actually do it. He could be too young to even dare. Or he could be ready. In any case, he should be the one to do this not you and if he is able to do it in a reasonable time for your relationship to continue, he will. If he cannot, you may need to take a step back.
Libyan culture can be difficult to navigate. It is a beautiful culture but families can be hard to deal with and so much of the culture creates obstacles for outsiders or those who choose to (or cannot help but) stand out. Trust me, a woman who married a non-Libyan (an Egyptian actually). Before I spoke to my family, I was expecting so so so much push back and my family isn’t very tribal. I didn’t get the pushback I anticipated, and maybe he won’t?? And maybe he will. It’s on him to find a way. If he cannot, I hope you stay true to who you are.
Libyan culture can be difficult and hostile towards foreigners but if a man is marrying a foreigner there can be some allowances made to the woman, because of lower expectations, like not judging her too hard if her hair is out of her hijab or if she does things a Libyan woman would be judged for. It would be him who gets made fun of and called a “dayooth” and less than a man, rather than you. So in any case, the pressure would be on him but he found a way to transfer it to you.
Also, in addition to my long comment above, I do wonder if he’s just trying to push you away/scare you off? Instead of breaking up, intimidating you. The cowards way out. If that didn’t occur to you but you think it is possible, I’d consider that.
Comment by Old-Introduction-337 at 03/02/2025 at 19:48 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
it is part of their world view. they cannot imagine a world where islam and islamic cultural practices are not followed. sadly he has known this all along. i would move on. btw any child of your union is immediately muslim according to islamic culture. good luck. its an unfortunate situation
Comment by Helpful_Green7512 at 03/02/2025 at 19:53 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
His family isn’t religiously strict, they’re racist.
Comment by Gloomy_Custard_3914 at 03/02/2025 at 13:20 UTC
1 upvotes, 2 direct replies
I'm not Libyan married to one and in his family a few people are married to non Libyans. It seems like his family is weirdly strict. Its also not a religious thing as Islam does not discourage such marriages. They're using their own family thinking and trying to put the cover of religion on it.
Comment by XX-gen at 03/02/2025 at 12:39 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
If you’re living abroad, you probably won’t have to deal with all that…Of course, it all depends on your husband’s mindset… whether he’ll restrict you or not…. And if you’re moving to Libya run lol ..