https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/ikwvop/what_are_some_legendary_reddit_tales_that_newbie/
created by bullfighterteu on 02/09/2020 at 00:53 UTC
22808 upvotes, 90 top-level comments (showing 25)
Comment by ProfessorPi31415 at 02/09/2020 at 06:20 UTC*
6605 upvotes, 4 direct replies
The legendary zombie bagel dude, i will see if I can find it
Edit: found it here, 6 years ago https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1rgpdf/what%5C_is%5C_the%5C_laziest%5C_thing%5C_youve%5C_ever%5C_done[1][2]and here, 7 months ago https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/euft5h/whats%5C_the%5C_most%5C_satisfying%5C_act%5C_of%5C_i%5C_dont%5C_give%5C_a/[3][4]
2: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1rgpdf/what_is_the_laziest_thing_youve_ever_done
This is what it was:
"I was once on a US military ship, having breakfast in the wardroom (officers lounge) when the Operations Officer (OPS) walks in. This guy was the definition of NOT a morning person; he's still half asleep, bleary eyed... basically a zombie with a bagel. He sits down across from me to eat his bagel and is just barely conscious. My back is to the outboard side of the ship, and the morning sun is blazing in one of the portholes putting a big bright-ass circle of light right on his barely conscious face. He's squinting and chewing and basically just remembering how to be alive for today. It's painful to watch.
But then zombie-OPS stops chewing, slowly picks up the phone, and dials the bridge. In his well-known I'm-still-totally-asleep voice, he says "heeeey. It's OPS. Could you... shift our barpat... yeah, one six five. Thanks." And puts the phone down. And then he just sits there. Squinting. Waiting.
And then, ever so slowly, I realize that that big blazing spot of sun has begun to slide off the zombie's face and onto the wall behind him. After a moment it clears his face and he blinks slowly a few times and the brilliant beauty of what I've just witnessed begins to overwhelm me. By ordering the bridge to adjust the ship's back-and-forth patrol by about 15 degrees, he's changed our course just enough to reposition the sun off of his face. He's literally just redirected thousands of tons of steel and hundreds of people so that he could get the sun out of his eyes while he eats his bagel. I am in awe.
He slowly picks up his bagel and for a moment I'm terrified at the thought that his own genius may escape him, that he may never appreciate the epic brilliance of his laziness (since he's not going to wake up for another hour). But between his next bites he pauses, looks at me, and gives me the faintest, sly grin, before returning to gnaw slowly on his zombie bagel."
obligatory wow this blew up thanks for the ~~gold~~ awards
Comment by Crankylosaurus at 02/09/2020 at 04:04 UTC
21381 upvotes, 7 direct replies
A guy posted on AskReddit saying his computer was in Spanish and he couldn’t change it back to English... so every single redditor commented on his post in Spanish.[1] There’s like 2000+ comments in Spanish ranging from actual advice to utter nonsense.
Comment by bobvex at 02/09/2020 at 04:03 UTC
8217 upvotes, 8 direct replies
Time traveller who answered questions before they were asked.
Comment by zarza_mora at 02/09/2020 at 02:10 UTC
10921 upvotes, 7 direct replies
The dude who ate the entire party sub... but he waited like 30 minutes to do it so it was okay.
Comment by mtd074 at 02/09/2020 at 02:28 UTC
19140 upvotes, 13 direct replies
Short version: OP's company was having a corporate retreat with seminars and group building activities. You know the deal. The retreat was being held at an old Southern plantation that has been converted to an event space for banquets, weddings, etc. One of the planned activities was an antebellum, period-appropriate costume party. Everyone obliged, including the guy that came dressed as a confederate army officer. The problem: OP was the often forgotten only black employee, so he (in relatively good humor) came dressed as a slave and derailed the party. Then he posted the photos.
Comment by SanityPills at 02/09/2020 at 02:27 UTC
5456 upvotes, 4 direct replies
The /r/AskReddit thread What movie helped you through a rough time?[1] where every answer was Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
Comment by RPDRNick at 02/09/2020 at 02:27 UTC*
3873 upvotes, 5 direct replies
"Please don't ask me how I managed to take this picture."
Comment by inquisitivejester at 02/09/2020 at 02:06 UTC
4986 upvotes, 3 direct replies
The guy who got addicted to heroin and then got clean. His whole story is basically in his post history on reddit.
Comment by Countach5000 at 02/09/2020 at 01:57 UTC
9000 upvotes, 6 direct replies
The guy who threw a steak out a window
Comment by Reddit_Am_I_Right at 02/09/2020 at 02:13 UTC
7136 upvotes, 6 direct replies
The time a redditor saved a guy from carbon monoxide poisoning
Comment by [deleted] at 02/09/2020 at 04:20 UTC*
10269 upvotes, 7 direct replies
When EA got downvoted to hell
Comment by I_Love_Brock_Samson at 02/09/2020 at 02:11 UTC*
5468 upvotes, 4 direct replies
Today you, tomorrow me. Been over 9 years now and I still think about that story. All time favorite of mine.
Not sure this link will work.
Edit: The link is a better one now (thank you /u/capilot for a good direct-to-comment link). Sorry for the inconvenience. I was tired and laying in bed fretting about a presentation I need to give Thursday.
Comment by 86thewaffle at 02/09/2020 at 01:11 UTC
4157 upvotes, 4 direct replies
‘You like that, you fucking retard?’
Comment by [deleted] at 02/09/2020 at 02:29 UTC*
462 upvotes, 2 direct replies
[deleted]
Comment by HanzG at 02/09/2020 at 01:16 UTC
1809 upvotes, 3 direct replies
Roger Simon[1] and his dads beatings.
1: https://www.reddit.com/user/rogersimon10/comments
Comment by badactor at 02/09/2020 at 04:12 UTC
619 upvotes, 1 direct replies
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/4l0c7e/my%5C_friends%5C_office%5C_has%5C_been%5C_in%5C_a%5C_postit%5C_war%5C_with/[1][2]
2: https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/4l0c7e/my_friends_office_has_been_in_a_postit_war_with/
Comment by [deleted] at 02/09/2020 at 00:56 UTC
4661 upvotes, 5 direct replies
[deleted]
Comment by Emergency-Boat at 02/09/2020 at 01:56 UTC*
3695 upvotes, 6 direct replies
The guy who pretended to not know what a potato is. The noisy gobshite story is also good and had a really sad ending :( Edit: Woah this blew up. Thank you kind stranger for the award. Gonna read the gobshite story again today to pay my respects.
Comment by AnaestheticAesthetic at 02/09/2020 at 01:03 UTC
3604 upvotes, 5 direct replies
My personal favorite is Dagobah (Ass Injection Infection).
But a good list of Reddit filth can be found here: link.
~Enjoy~
Comment by Devilloc at 02/09/2020 at 00:55 UTC*
4580 upvotes, 5 direct replies
That dude's dead wife.
Comment by [deleted] at 02/09/2020 at 04:05 UTC*
3229 upvotes, 5 direct replies
Edit: Didn't realize this would blow up. I posted this at 1 in the morning and didn't think to add links.
The poop knife story: (Copypasta link, original post deleted the content): https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/7qn75k/poop%5C_knife%5C_from%5C_reddit/[1][2]
1: https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/7qn75k/poop%5C_knife%5C_from%5C_reddit/
2: https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/7qn75k/poop_knife_from_reddit/
The man whose wife buried his can of beans (and the subsequently funnier comment mentioning that he WILL find those beans!) https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/fy06bv/tifu%5C_by%5C_demanding%5C_that%5C_my%5C_girlfriend%5C_show%5C_me/[3][4]
4: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/fy06bv/tifu_by_demanding_that_my_girlfriend_show_me/
The piss drawer (thought it was a story but I remembered incorrectly): https://www.reddit.com/r/KidsAreFuckingStupid/comments/blpvvd/piss%5C_drawer/[5][6]
5: https://www.reddit.com/r/KidsAreFuckingStupid/comments/blpvvd/piss%5C_drawer/
6: https://www.reddit.com/r/KidsAreFuckingStupid/comments/blpvvd/piss_drawer/
The guy who found out his gf was using his socks to wipe her ass https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship%5C_advice/comments/avwpo0/i%5C_28%5C_think%5C_my%5C_girlfriend%5C_26%5C_has%5C_been%5C_using%5C_my%5C_gym/[7][8]
Not a story, but the rabies virus break down was a wild fucking post about how it's the scariest disease. https://np.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/81rr6f/he%5C_fed%5C_the%5C_cute%5C_trash%5C_panda%5C_and%5C_looked%5C_up%5C_for%5C_a/dv4xyks/?contex=3[9][10]
Comment by Futant55 at 02/09/2020 at 04:06 UTC
1224 upvotes, 5 direct replies
The guy who asked for relationship advice and he decided to leave his wife and she killed herself and their kids.
Comment by festivalhippy at 02/09/2020 at 07:06 UTC*
788 upvotes, 9 direct replies
The Saga of Noisy Gobshite! Seriously this is one rollercoaster of a post (with many updates). I can't and won't try to explain it, because i just won't do it justice.
Edit thank you u/MallCopDefender for the awards, so very kind!
Comment by BitchLibrarian at 02/09/2020 at 07:31 UTC*
161 upvotes, 4 direct replies
The woman who's mother didn't believe her child could truly be allergic to coconut and put coconut oil on her hair during a sleepover and the allergic reaction was fatal. The older woman keeps asking when she can see the other child and the response is always "when you give me back her twin/my daughter".
And there's the (bittersweet) joyous tale of Saint Luis of the hose.
Comment by Mangeto at 02/09/2020 at 02:52 UTC
1562 upvotes, 3 direct replies
Hey, listen - Links are nice.