12 upvotes, 2 direct replies (showing 2)
View submission: People WITHOUT depression and anxiety, what is life like?
So, as someone who both suffers from anxiety and depression and someone who has had some counselling training (not a professional though, want to make that clear), I think I can give some insight.
This is more to do with someone in some form of crisis or just in a really bad way, but a lot of the principles apply in general as well. Essentially, it comes down to listening to them without judgement, and demonstrating that you hear and understand what they're saying.
Don't offer solutions unless specifically asked, and don't be surprised or offended if they shoot every single one of your suggestions down, and don't be surprised if their reasons don't always make the most sense. You can maybe gently challenge one of two of their reasons, but try not to be combative or overly motivational. It will just bounce off them and maybe make things worse. And if you run out of ideas, try not to admit defeat. That could confirm the warped view they have of the situation and make it harder to fight. Instead say something like 'thats all I can think of for now, but maybe if we come back to it something else will come up.' Maintain the fact that you have hope, always, but don't expect them to feel the same way.
Ask them what they need. Don't ask what you can do, it's too easy for someone to brush that off as just politeness or false concern, ask specifically and sincerely 'what do you need right now?' if it's an immediate situation or just 'what do you need?' if it's a more general one, and here's the important part actually *listen to how they answer and act accordingly.* It might be a distraction, or to vent, or a hug and some time to sit in quietly with company. Odds are people in a bad place know what they need, and even if they don't, just having the space to talk with someone about how they're feeling or what they're going through can be useful. Watch out for spirals, though. If they're rehashing the same stuff over and over and getting more upset every time that's a spiral. Gently bring their attention back to you and try to get them thinking about something, anything else. And if they say nothing, respect that, even if they still look sad or upset. Don't try to push help on them, and don't take it personally. Just try to continue as you were, but still be prepared to help if they change their mind.
Try to help look after their physical needs as best you can. When was the last time they ate? When did they last drink something without caffeine? Have they had enough sleep? Are they cold, or too hot? At the very least, a light snack and a glass of water can really help keep someone grounded if they're not feeling good. But if they refuse don't force it on them. Maybe offer again later, but don't be pushy. Also, crying can make someone really dehydrated. If they're crying a lot get them some water even if they didn't ask for it, just don't insist they drink it.
And finally, if you're with someone in that bad space, and they ask for help or start having a crisis of some kind, realise that in that moment you are a sort of caregiver. They are effectively going through an intense flare up of a terrible illness. Treat them like you would anyone who's very sick, try to make things easier for them and let you know you care. Often, that's all it takes. But don't neglect your own needs. If you don't have the energy or patience to help just then be kind but honest and, this bit is crucial, follow up with them later. They trusted you by opening up, let them know that trust wasn't misplaced. And don't wait for them to initiate the conversation either. Bring it up yourself, cause they might never do it again.
And, finally finally, if you think someone might be thinking of committing suicide ASK THEM. Don't beat around the bush, don't avoid the word, don't dance around it, don't joke to break the tension, ask them plainly and explicitly. Literally look them in the eye and ask 'Are you thinking of killing yourself?' (we had to practice this in training, and boy, it is intense, but it's easier than it seems). I cannot stress enough how important it is to make it painfully obvious that that's what you're asking about. If they aren't thinking that way, then it's all good and no real harm done. But if they are, don't panic and don't try to convince them to live. Just try and find out if they're safe for now. If they are, keep in contact and try to help them find professional help as much as possible. If they're not safe, stay with them, stay calm and try to get hold of someone with suicide prevention experience as soon as possible. Google suicide hotlines and put them to use. That's what we're there for.
Comment by dugongnumber2 at 28/08/2020 at 12:38 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
THIS!! 🙌🏻
Above anything else, just listen. Don’t offer advice, don’t try and fix them, don’t try and be the devil’s advocate or tell them to be positive. Just be there and listen. (And if you don’t know what to say - usually no one ever does - just ask, how can I help you? What can I do?)
Most of the time we know all the “positive” things we “should” try and do. But in that moment, we need to let out our feelings without fear of judgement or someone wanting to try and fix us.
And just remember we are being extremely vulnerable in that moment and it’s really hard for a lot of us to be so open. So whatever you do, try not to invalidate their feelings.
Comment by losinator501 at 29/08/2020 at 02:49 UTC
1 upvotes, 1 direct replies
gotcha, thanks for the reply! so it's more being there for support instead of trying to directly "fix" the reason that they are upset. thanks for the insight!