Horace Harold Schmunken by S.W. Black Copyright © 2017 S.W. Black. Some Rights Reserved. Creative Commons Attribution License.
I think I might sing a story. What kind of story should I sing? How about the one that's full of glory? How about the one that's fun for me?
I would like to tell you about a man. A man named Horace Harold Schmunken. Horace Harold Schmunken, he was a yucky man.
Horace Harold Schmunken, he liked to dig in dirt, that's right. He liked to dig in dirt. What kind kind of dirt did he did in?
Did he dig in Garden's dirt? No! Not that Horace! Horace Harold Schmunken! Not that Horace! He liked to dig in social dirt. He liked to dig in social dirt.
Horace Harold Schmunken, he was not a good man. And one day he decided to go as far as he could.
He went far away to a distant, distant land and he dig in the trash of a very important person.
Horace Harold Schmunken dug in the trash of a wizard. Horace Harold Schmunken dug in the trash of our favorite wizard!
Horace Harold Schmunken found a destroyed, damaged artifact. Horace Harold Schmunken, he thought it looked good on his shelf. He took that for himself.
Horace Harold Schmunken, he had the artifact. Horace Harold Schmunken, he would not give it back.
He found it in the trash, and he thought it looked so fun, but that artifact, that artifact needed to be burned and that old wizard's trash was all slated to be burned, but without the artifact there that artifact survived. That artifact survived!
That little artifact, that little artifact, it looked like a little statue, but it was in fact a demon turned to stone by that wizard's gleeful eye.
A demon turned to stone with a wooden heart inside. And that wooden heart, protected by that stone, still would be destroyed in fire, oh so fine, but
Horace Harold Schmunken, he stole that artifact. Horace Harold Schmunken, he stole that arifact.
That demon in that stone slowly gained his powers back. That demon in that stone, its heart, it grew in fact.
It grew and sprouted from within expanding the stoney outer shell. It grew and spread all troughout sin and soon it was in the room as well.
And Horace Harold Schmunken's room, it had this weird, weird, weird-weird thing. And Horace Harold Schmunken, he touched it and sealed his doom!
Horace Harold Schmunken, he was an evil man, and Horace Harold Schmunken, he touched that artifact.
Horace Harold Schmunken, he would not live that long. He touched that growing oscene thing and then he sprouted two long dongs.
Two long dongs reached to the ground and threw him to the sky. Two long dongs they grew to ground and soon he was so high, because
Horace Harold Schmunken, he touched that artifact. Evil grew inside of him and stretched and stretched him to the sky.
Horace Harold Schmunkin with the evil now within. It saw the evil there before and and knew he was his kin.
Horace Harold Schmunken and the demon now within, Horace Harold Schmunken they wanted, oh, to win.
But, you know, it took them just a little longer than they thought. In his hut, it grew and sprouted soon it was not for naught.
He did finish transforming his insides and soon Horace Schmunken's shell it split aside.
And out crawled the demon with Horace now inside. Out, crawled the demon, and it's Horace's turn to cry, because
Horace Harold Schmunken, he touched that artifact. Horace Harold Schmunken that demon's now got a snack.
That demon as it crawled out it ate all that Horace had loved. Horace was an evil man, and loved nothing so that's what it was.
Horace Harold Schmunken prevented that evil's growth because Horace Harold Schmunken had nothing to feed its soul, and so
Horace Harold Schmunken and the evil he was inside, Horace Harold Schmunken, he was not all bad inside, because Horace Harold Schmunken even though he was pure evil, Horace Harold Schmunken had nothing good left that he could feel, and Horace Harold Schmunken had nothing to feed that demon.
Horace Harold Schmunken starved that demon within. But inside that demon's breast, you know Horace, he cried.
Inside that demon's breast, Horace could not survive Horace Harold Schmunken, he whithered from within. Horace Harold Schmunken was consumed by his sin.
And that demon as it grew it walked along the land. It was sometimes confused for a human from the human lands.
That demon it wanted to find the wizard that had locked it. That demon, it wanted, wanted to destroy that wizard.
That wizard, he did not know the demon was free. Yes, that wizard, he did not think to see. And as the demon walked, eventually, he did find.
He found the wizard's home with the wizard's kids inside. That demon it was now hungry it had shrunken quite small, it looked like a wee child itself, and it wanted to eat more.
However, the children of a wizard know things that other children might not think of. They knew how to spot that demon in that child. They knew the demon was there inside. For that demon you know it now looked like a child.
That demon, you know was quite hungry inside. But that wizard's good children, yes, offered the demon some food.
Enchanted food it was, of course, and the demon's head it blew! That head blew off its neck, and the neck unfurled big and inside that demon's bloody chest there was a little pig, and those kids they decided that the pig should be named Horace, in honor of that horrible thing that stole the demon before, and after that pig they grew, the children butchered it, and they all ate that piggy's flesh even the littlest kid, and so
Horace Harold Schmunken he got what he deserved, and the children of the wizard, enjoyed their barbeque.