In October 2022 I caught COVID. I want to say it was a mild case because I don't think I have any long term effects - and of course, because so many people have died of it - but it is also just about the worst that I have felt in a very long time.
I spent four or five days essentially alone, trying to keep from passing it on to my family. I slept sporadically, read, listened to long-form essays. I was in our spare room and the leaves were late into changing. I had a great view of them through two windows. I realised how lucky I was.
I felt extremely down. I remember one point where I thought that if I died that would be fine - I'd had a good life and have no big unfulfilled wishes. My children are grown, my wife would be okay.
That thought was probably the single thing that lead to me seeking out therapy, which has made a huge positive change in my life and wellbeing. After years of mastering all sorts of skills (mostly for money, sometimes for fun), I had to learn how to be content and how to let myself experience joy.
After some more reflection, I think that those four days stuck in the spare room are the closest thing I have ever had to going to a retreat. Yes; I was fevered and sick and taking medicine and not exactly in the right frame of mind. But I was also just ... alone with my thoughts for an extended period in a way that never happens.
I've read about people going on retreats - not being sure it would be for me. My father and my brother did a pilgrimage to Lough Derg. It is three days of fasting and quiet contemplation, barefoot - including a 24 hour vigil. It never appealed to me before.
I take the time regularly to sit with my thoughts, think about how I'm thinking. I journal, I take notes, I record memos of how I am feeling. I try and do more of the good things and less of the bad things.
Maybe I need to find a way to have these long detoxifying periods in my life, without catching a respiratory disease.