I broke today
I don't know what else to call it, I guess since I still have my wits about me I'm not broken per say but I decided to drive out into the woods to get away from my life for a while. Or not a while, just tonight.
I forgot to turn off the AC when I left. On Tuesdays my roommate leaves earlier than I do and so it then becomes my duty to turn it off. I don't turn it on at night and most of the time the house is under the target temperature when I leave so I can't hear it running and thus don't turn it off since I don't know it's on. I personally think it should be the one who turns it on who turns it off, but totally understand his reasoning.
So when I got the text saying that the AC was still on I tried explaining that I think he should turn it off, which he didn't like but also didn't make a big fuss either. I just wish I remembered. It's just a simple switch, really I should.
I was mad at myself and the way I handled it.
I've been on edge the past few days, on Sunday my mom spotted my weed pen in my pocket and thought it was a vape rig. When she told me to take it out and show her I refused and denied any knowledge of what was in my pocket. I hate this. I think my mom knows I smoke weed but I don't know for sure and while I know my parents definitely do smoke weed I don't think they exactly want me to. I think they think the pen was nicotine. I just don't want to admit that for the past couple months I've been bringing my pen and taking small hits while I'm doing work for them. Now mind you the work is monotonous labor such as picking up rocks in a field and digging trenches, not the most cognitive work. I just feel ashamed, I want to be the perfect son they think I am.
Last week I had my hopes when I was talking to this one girl on one of the dating apps. We had previously matched on a different app where I bungled by asking about school. Now was my chance for a do-over. Things were going good and we had been talking for a few days when I suggested I could show her a cool hiking trail. She ghosted me. I need to stop hoping things will work out but I say that every time.
My roommate's girlfriend came back from her month long trip in Utah. I made myself sparse to give them time to do whatever they do. I went on a hike to occupy the time and the whole time I was thinking about how much I wish I had a hiking buddy girlfriend that I could share my love of the outdoors with.
So with my mom being suspicious of me, my desire for a love life being constantly nagging, and my self hatred turned up to 11 for forgetting to turn off the AC while also starting a petty argument with the roommate, it became too much. I cried for a while and had the realization I needed to get away for a little. In a haze I gathered my camping supplies and left. I let my parents know I wasn't going to be there for work on Thursday and said I loved them. This had my dad start to worry and he called me about an hour into my trip. I didn't want them to know I was gone. I couldn't hide that I was upset from him and he wanted to talk but I couldn't, I still probably can't.
So now I sit upon a rock on the side of a no-name forest service road. I forgot the fascists in charge of El Dorado national forest banned dispersed camping due to the fires last year which is idiotic. We pay taxes to be able to use this land as we please. While I easily could have hid and actually camped I like the spot I'm in and I think sleeping in the car will be fine. The sunset on the mountains was beautiful and the stars are as well. I could even see some lightning in a distant cloud. I look forward to watching the sun rise.