It's November, nearly at it's midpoint even. and I have done... nothing!
My personal projects have kinda stagnated and I haven't been pursuing opportunities. This is, as ever, my fault. I've talked before about being kinder to myself, and sometimes that means making no progress in anything to make sure you're staying afloat. I'm fine by the way, I've just been taking it so easy recently I haven't done anything. I'll probably restart things slowly in the new year.
The problem with not doing things is that you end up doing things like overthinking those checkboxes that check if you're a robot. Of course I'm not a robot, but I think it's sometimes hard to continue to see myself as human. As a person.
Now, this may be a very thinly veiled look into how my dysphoria shapes who I am, but I think it's also valuable to discuss and chat about that little box. A little box that monitors your movements on the way to click it, silently watching and checking how you engage with it before it reacts. There's a weird familiarity if you look at it like that.
To lift the veil a little, if we replace "verify you are human to continue" with any measure of coming out, suddenly you might be able to see how that verify tick box sees. Silently watching and checking how the other engages before deciding how to react. For a brief moment, reduced to naught but a receptacle for something, the reaction or a simple click, to be placed in.
Lifting the veil slightly more, maybe the pause before hitting the button is me, feeling like I'm running on autopilot to protect myself from areas I am not truly safe to be in, is less than human.
And then we drop it back down, we click the button and it asks us to identify a bus in a jumble of images, a mundane task, but a reminder that you are human, and that you don't know what a Japanese bus looks like surrounded by vehicles.
contact me!: luna@soup3461.com
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