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I'm a bit uncomfortable and afraid of sending this out, but bottling things up does not appear to be a great strategy. And given how universal human experiences tend to be, maybe someone will feel less alone by reading this.
I'm between two jobs. Things are signed on both sides, with only minor wrinkles to iron out. The old job owed me a significant amount of holidays, which I am now taking. It feels weird right now, to be this free with my time. The only constraints are friends and family inviting me to visit. Life could be much, much worse. But it does feels strange.
A little while ago, I was on another continent, considering signing for more time there. Life happened in a surprising, unpleasant way, as it sometimes does. I had my first "people call an ambulance and send you to the hospital"-level, panic attack. It was not an enjoyable experience. I really thought I was a goner.
I then decided that it was maybe not the best idea to stay in an environment that was this stress inducing for me. I had "blank mind, short breath, feeling of danger" episodes before, and I can deal with them. But I don't ever want to put myself in a stupid situation where I lose my faculties like this again. Especially as it was, for the most part, due to expectations that I imposed on myself, all on my own.
And so now, after having left about 10 years ago, I am coming back to the motherland for good. I am excited for the new job, but right now I feel like in a metaphorical corridor, neither really there or here. It is also mixed with the cultural clash of the land I am leaving behind and the one I am returning to. I get to decide what I want to do everyday, instead of having the track-like grooves of routine to guide me. During the pandemic, I had free time like that too, and felt it was hard to just exist. I can keep busy, read, run, eat, play, sleep etc... But what I really like to do is build useful stuff. And I am too often prisoner of my own mind to commit to one project without the pressure of others, which for me often means the fear of not succeeding or disappointing someone. At work, because I am made by circumstances to start, I finish. Alone, because I fear not succeeding, I often do not start. I do not like this in myself.
That fear of failure and the shame of existing unproductively feel like two sides of the same dark coin. It feels like something stuck in my teeth, that I would like to ignore but can't. I know that it is not sound to think that my existence is pointless if I don't contribute in some tangible way. But in my heart of hearts, that's what I feel.
It's a very ugly side of me. Because if you generalise that reasoning, it means that people not contributing to society in a way that I feel are productive are an aberration. Which is a horrible, horrible belief that I know to be immoral as well as plain stupid. Who could have both the knowledge and wisdom to pass judgement on what is productive or not? But knowing that does not appear to solve my fear or shame.
That fear of being useless, and therefore a waste of resources, has served me frequently as fuel to push myself through difficulties. But it is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy by making me unfit to work. I can't have that. Especially given how easily it can be turned against me.
How can I train my brain out of it? Or better said, how can I reform that belief into a more positive one? Should I start by destroying the generalisation and then apply it inductively to myself or work on my self-worth beyond my contributions and then generalise? Am I overthinking things once again?
I think one way would be to meditate on my contributions and how insignificant they are in the grand scheme of things, no matter how hard I can work. If what I do is insignificant anyway, I am too and so is everyone. But that's nihilism 101 which, while somewhat liberating, is pretty depressing and does not encourage positive behaviours.
What then ? Basically, how do I learn humility as a practical virtue. It sounds like a basic philosophical question. There is certainly someone out there that already wrote some answers. How do I find them? That's one potential path to a solution.
Another is, knowing this personal flaw, is there a way I can accept it gracefully and use it to do good things? It's not necessarily the best path to self-exploit oneself but it remains a possible path.
Yet another is to explore why I treat myself like this when I tend to be more patient with other's failings. Is it plain hypocrisy, meaning that I hold myself to a higher, unattainable standard and believe myself to be therefore better? How much of this problem is plain vanity that I need to confront?
The last way my tired brain provides is perhaps exploring the joy I feel when I contribute or build things. Is it pleasant just because it is a temporary release from shame? Or is it something better in essence? I'll have to meditate on all that.
Lastly, I acknowledge how privileged I am to even have the time and space to ask questions like this. Maybe like water that can't freeze without an impurity, I am simply living too soft a life.
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