my third and final probation session at the therapist was today. i have a date for a fourth session, but who knows whether insurance is going to cover that. it scares me. being kicked out of the system. without a choice. i'll have to wait for a few days until the insurance reports back.
lately what i call dysphoria came back stronger. i can't see myself in the mirror anymore. again. i hate being stuck in me. no one, not even myself know, whether hrt would help. this week my beloved palazzo pants died. zipper broke. they were long, black, high waist. i loved them. and i was courageous enough to wear them outside. they are gone now.
instead i order new ones. in bright colours. light brown, orange and light green in a colourful pattern. the fabric is thin and light, perfect for summer. my <so> doesn't like when i wear colourful things. it's a reminder i think. and since i was too scared to bring up how i can't stand myself right now, i decided to tell her about the pants.
the response to that was twofold. first off, wanting something is the precondition for change. secondly then, going through with it inspires change and creates a new set of mental rules. but it also has consequences. and i wish i could just take the courage to do it. to tell the world that i don't fit into the binary, that i don't care about the rules set by binary people, about the clusters binary people group into.
the main issue is, technically i consider myself a weird mix of genderfluid, but around the androgynous spectrum in the middle of it. lean towards androgyny from male or female side of the spectrum. that's what i think i want to have. i guess. i don't identify as genderfluid or whatever, because a label never will be accurate and puts me into a box, yet i still have to explain all of the above. to reach this place i need hrt. for a few months until i fixed my body enough to be in the middle. and to do that i need therapy. otherwise i won't get hrt from a medical practicioner. and it certainly helps to be in therapy during this. to have a safety net for side effects.
and all of this scares me. coming out scares me. i don't want to explain this shit over and over and over again. being rejected by family and friends scares the living shit out of me. my <so> packing up and taking the kids scares me. it's not the fear that makes you crawl up in a corner. (yet at least) it's the kind that makes you stop and reconsider whether it's worth it.
most people in the non-binary world or in the lgbtq* spectrum will tell you that it's worth it. most don't tell you what they really had to sacrifice. and maybe a certain amount left the spectrum again because they couldn't bear the consequences. you never hear about those. and i am scared. a lot.