Lately I've been having trouble feeling motivated to do anything. I do plenty and accomplish a lot but that is because I am good at pushing myself to do things I don't want to do. I have mentioned before that I am working full time while I work on a master's degree and act as part-time caregiver. I do all the work to take care of pets, cooking, cleaning, medication management, household paperwork and more. These all contribute to stress (work), stress (school), stress (relationship) and stress (day to day living.) These are not my main problem.
Gender dysphoria is a fuck. It really messes with your perception of self and your place in the world. Gender dysphoria makes my daily life more difficult but this is not my main problem either.
Capitalism also sucks but it mostly compounds the stresses I have already named above.
Social isolation sucks but it is also mostly caused by things listed above.
Depression sucks. No way around this. Definitely a bit problem but still not the biggest one.
I don't actually know what my problem is but I feel a profound sense of ennui. The only things I have found that can combat it are adrenaline, pain and the extreme excitement both of those bring. This is why I have always been an adrenaline seeker. I like getting tattoos and piercings. I like impact play. I like driving a motorcycle. I like racing bicycles. I like having sex with strangers. I like firearms competition. Without regular doses of adrenaline my mood takes a serious hit and I can't get anything done.