Been standing outside the pub for a while, peering in the window occasionally and thinking about entering, but my nerves usually keep me away. Trying something new, something different, is scary. I hesitate because I am aware of my own tendency towards inconsistency. If I enter a space, ideally I become at least a bit of a regular. But then the pressure of maintaining that begins to weigh.
But I started a new job recently; my first full-time position since finally getting my B.A. (I completed it later than most). It has been exciting, and positive, and I feel incredibly fortunate. I think I can brave a bit more new, in light of that. And perhaps it's as easy as pushing the two together. Let me tell you something about my first few weeks there.
In a most unexpected fashion, I managed to reconnect with an old friend at my new workplace. He's my ex, technically, but our formal relationship is so far behind us now that to describe him as such feels like it implies far too much that simply isn't true. We haven't been together in over a decade, after all, and our emotional intimacy extended far beyond our original stint together.
I hadn't seen him in over five years, though. We'd last spoke about half a year before COVID-19 Quarantine. To be more accurate, I unceremoniously and cruelly cut him out of my life at perhaps the negative peak of my mental health journey. And what a jam-packed five+ years it has been, both collectively & personally. We've both obtained diagnoses that explained just about everything. We've both started therapy and our families have changed for the better as a result. We've both found partners we are able to be happy with, who trust us, whom we trust in return. We apologized to each other, though neither of us felt the other had even done anything that needed to be forgiven.
I have changed so much. Everything about me is altered. I have barely changed at all. Everything about me is the same. He is different too, he has grown so much, and at the same time, he is everything I remember him being.
Talking to him is like opening a time-capsule. I never thought I'd see him again, excepting perhaps a chance meeting at some random convention somewhere. I certainly didn't expect him to be newly enrolled at the college I now have begun my career at. Our paths have not only crossed, but have overlapped entirely. I thought he would be upset with me. He thought I would be upset with him. I didn't realize how much I missed him until he was within my reach. He didn't realize how much he missed me until we began to talk again.
I don't think either of us believe in providence, but I understand, now, why people do.
~bartender, just a mug of cocoa for me. I think I just want to sip and look out the window. Instead of in.
If I enter a space, ideally I become at least a bit of a regular. But then the pressure of maintaining that begins to weigh.
Brother, you're in good company. I was excited to start posting here, but as I said in my own introduction (post #2359), I treat hobbies less in the "build a slow but long-lasting, loving relationship" kind of way but more in the "violently bludgeon in a dark alley" kind of way. I think the benefit of the smolweb is how it is designed so to be specifically not-addictive. I mean hell, I can't even format italics for emphasis!
I have changed so much ... Everything about me is the same.
Isn't it crazy, the gentle progression of time? I'm reminded of the song "Every Day Is Exactly the Same" from Nine Inch Nails. The endless slog of change that never really seems that different until you cast your memory far enough. Maybe we just get so used to the change that it begins to feel like stagnation; I'm not sure that even makes sense. I can look back at who I was at the beginning of 2024 and cringe at myself, and I think it's a beautiful thing that we can adapt so well to the rocking boat of our lives.
Your reunion with your friend reminds me of my best friend. His wife of ten years, best friend and partner from high school, cheated on him with a man he hated for over a year, lied about it, gaslit him, and they had a major detonation a few months ago. I really worried about him, but you look at him today and he's in such a great place. He's independent, he's more confident, his mental health is better off than a year ago. And he has a great relationship with his ex-wife! They're still friends, they work together, all copacetic.
For whatever it may be worth, I welcome you to the Midnight with a raised glass. I'm looking forward to reading more from you in the future.