2007-06-06 10:52:40
For teen daters, a cellphone can be an abusive leash
By Stacy A. Teicher, Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor Mon Feb 12
2007, 3:00 AM ET
For teens, cellphones are an essential tool for everything from social
networking to video games. For parents, knowing their child has a cellphone
provides a sense of security. But for a substantial number of teens who are
dating, communications on cellphones and computers are taking a turn toward
obsession and abuse.
It's a side of kids' social lives that many parents aren't aware of, according
to a study released last week by Liz Claiborne Inc. In partnership with the
National Domestic Violence Hotline, the company has also just launched
loveisrespect.org, the first national website and 24-hour help line that
specifically addresses teen dating abuse.
In the survey, conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited, 20 to 30 percent of
teens who had been in relationships said their partner had constantly checked
in on them, had harassed or insulted them, or had made unwanted requests for
sexual activity, all via cellphones or text messages. One out of 4 reported
hourly contact with a dating partner between midnight and 5 a.m. - in some
cases, 30 times per hour. And 1 out of 10 had received physical threats
electronically. A much smaller percentage of parents reported that their teens
had had such experiences.
"Dating violence has always had this core feature ... of trying to control the
thoughts, feelings, and actions of another person," says Julie Kahn, program
director of the Transition House Dating Violence Intervention Program in
Cambridge, Mass. "When you add the technological piece, there are more ways to
track someone, to keep someone on an 'electronic leash,' if you will."
Ms. Kahn has frequently heard teens say that their boyfriend or girlfriend gave
them a cellphone with prepaid minutes; one couple recently told her that to
show their love, they've swapped Web-page passwords. Her group encourages young
people to reflect more on what's appropriate at various stages of a
relationship, how to establish boundaries, and to honor their own sense of
independence.
Loveisrespect.org offers teens information about how to form good relationships
- and recognize warning signs of abuse.
"A lot of young people ... they're just going with what their friends might say
or what they might see on the media," says Nathaniel Cole, a sophomore at the
University of Maryland and a member of the youth task force that helped launch
the initiative.
"The website explains what a healthy relationship is, so it's helping to combat
these negative images," says Mr. Cole, who is also a member of Men Can Stop
Rape, a nonprofit in Washington.
The website features live, secure chats with trained peers and professionals,
who can offer advice and referrals to local resources. It also offers guidance
for parents and friends of teens who appear to be in an abusive dating
situation.
Had such a site been available for Kendrick Sledge, she might have made a
quicker exit from her first relationship, a four-month ordeal when she was 14.
"We started officially dating through Instant Messenger," she recalls on a
break between classes at Boston University. Her boyfriend was a senior at a
different high school, but she had met him at summer camp and was new to the
area, so her world revolved around him. Her parents objected and tried to cut
off their communication. "They shut down my e-mail with a password [but didn't
know] I opened a free e-mail account," she says. "At one point he offered to
buy me my own cellphone. Luckily I never took him up on that."
Only in hindsight could Ms. Sledge see how manipulative he was - telling her no
one would love her the way he did, threatening to kill himself if she left him.
Occasionally there was also physical abuse, she says.
Finally, she ended it. But she hadn't told her parents anything, and she lived
in fear for the next month or two, until she heard he had been arrested. She
never learned what the charges were, but she was relieved to learn he was being
sent to reform school.
After the breakup, Sledge typed the words "controlling boyfriend" into an
Internet search engine. "I really didn't know what had happened to me. I had no
clue teen dating violence even existed," she says. By her senior year she was
ready to write a thesis about it and start educating her high school peers.
That's when her parents found out the details.
Now Sledge is sharing her story through the Liz Claiborne task force. In order
for kids to stand up against inappropriate behavior, they "have to have the
mental, the spiritual strength to say, 'This is wrong,' " she says.
How can adults be most helpful? "Don't immediately attack the abuser," she
advises. It's a natural instinct to tell someone, "That person's wrong for
you," she says, but that will cause victims to defend their dating partners.
"If you approach the situation as, 'I'm concerned about you,' that opens more
doors."
As communication technology has become pervasive, "teen dating abuse has
skyrocketed," says Jill Murray, an author of several books on the subject and a
psychotherapist in Laguna Niguel, Calif. She's seen a case of a teen logging
more than 9,000 cellphone calls and text messages monthly. The attention seems
flattering at first, she says, but later a girl or boy "feels smothered and
doesn't know how to get out."
Dr. Murray says parents have an obligation "to limit cellphone and computer use
to something reasonable." She advises blocking the computer and taking away
cellphones overnight.
In the survey, 28 percent of parents said they limit electronic communications
when their teens are dating, but only 18 percent of teens said their parents
set such limits.
Loveisrespect.org might be able to break down some of teens' secrecy. But if
they opt not to talk with parents, "we want to reach the teens wherever they
are," says Jane Randel, spokeswoman for Liz Claiborne, which has been working
to end domestic violence since 1991.
Percentage of who teens have been text messaged 10, 20, or 30 times an hour by
a partner wanting to know where they are, what they're doing, or who they're
with.
Percentage of who teens in a relationship have been called names, harassed, or
put down by their partner through cellphones and texting.
Percentage of teens in a relationship who have been asked via cellphone or
online message to engage in a sexual activity when they did not want to.
Percentage of teens who have been threatened physically via e-mail, IM, text
messaging, chat rooms, etc.
Source: Teenage Research Unlimited, Liz Claiborne Inc.