2024-08-21
I recently read Polysecure, by Jessica Fern, a book about attachment theory in the context of polyamory. Attachment theory is fundamentally the idea that the way we were loved (or not) during our childhood creates insecurities in us, and what we need to feel secure in our relationships with others varies depending on our childhood circumstances. I already knew some of my issues with insecurity from prior therapy, but reading the book and it's emphasis on personal security has made me really inspect how it impacts me. There are many areas in my life where different factors cause pulls in separate directions.
My identity as a trans person is a good example. There was obviously pressure from society to not be trans. Also, I feel that my family, since it skews fairly traditional, wouldn't understand me deviating from the binary too heavily. Additionally, the queer community (I feel) isn't very good at recognizing AMAB people as being non-binary unless they are feminine presenting. So I feel almost that for security in broader society, I should not be trans. For security with my family and to be taken seriously within the queer community, I should lean fully into being a trans woman, rather than a generally transfem non-binary person. And the question is, if I take away that insecurity, so I felt like I could truly just do what I want forever(tm), where would I end up? Would I want to be more feminine than I am now, or less?
In trying to cultivate security with myself, questions like these are popping up everywhere I look, and I've spent so much time in my life dissociating that I'm not sure how to connect to myself through the anxiety and figure out what the "real" me wants. In the case of my last post about music, for example, I'm insecure about not being good enough for music and too anxious for performance, but I also don't want to be a stay-at-home loser. Being a cool musician has a sense of security to it. Another example, connecting back to Polysecure: Fern notes that couples sometimes substitute structural security for attachment security - using their status as a married couple or owning a house together as something to draw security from, when they should be drawing it from trust in the relationship. Is my resistance to polyamory rooted in this, feeling that the relationship is more secure when it's structured monogamously? Would I be okay with being poly if my partner(s) made me feel loved and secure and like I wasn't going to be abandoned again, without having structural limits (like marriage or owning a house together) that make abandonment practically difficult?
Would I want polyamory if I had that security? or do I want monogamy independent of the insecurity? Who am I at all, independent of the anxiety and insecurity?