=== i thought i coined gender euphoria

this is going to change the world! its round, and you attach it to things, and it makes them easier to move from one place to another, even if theyre too heavy to carry!

"it sounds like a wheel..."

oh...

so i didnt coin "gender euphoria". in fact i figured out pretty quickly, when i looked it up-- that yes, it really is that obvious an idea.

im not the only person i know who feels more euphoria than dysphoria. but part of this is due to a misunderstanding about what gender dysphoria is.

gender dysphoria, which sounds like an AWFUL thing to go through, because it often is, just means you dont feel like your body matches your gender. that it! you dont have to be anxious or depressed or miserable, and i wasnt as far as i could tell, so i used the term "gender euphoria" instead to describe my feelings.

i was really shy about saying this to anyone, because i thought if i wasnt having dysphoria that people would be like "well thats nice for YOU..." and it felt too easy. i mean, there have been decades of my life where i never felt like any gender at all, and i thought this made me SORT OF "non-binary" because... i mean if you feel that way its certainly possible that you are non-binary.

no enbie exclusion here, on a conceptual and intellectual level im all about the bisexuals and pansexuals and enbies because anything else feels like a forced choice where one isnt needed-- unless it DOESNT feel that way, of course. i mean i certainly think gay is just as valid as bi for example. i even think that straight people might exist. :)

and thats totally cool! if you are a straight, i will not stop liking you for this.

one of the things that is most fun and exciting about this journey is learning that i was (mostly) gay for so many years. it does feel like a technicality, i mean ive done stuff with a guy and crushed on some guys when i thought i was a guy, but mostly ive wanted to be a lesbian forever.

now if youve joked a couple times that youre a "male lesbian", im not personally going to be offended, the first person i know of who claimed it in a partly-serious context was eddie izzard, who now identifies as trans.

izzard was always a hero to me for being an out male lesbian (at the time, if not now). im sure i wouldnt have to try too hard to find cis (maybe even a couple trans) lesbians who would cringe at this notion. but i wont.

the person who helped me the most with discovering myself is also a trans lesbian (mostly lesbian, "90%" and thats close to what i consider myself too) and shes wonderful and inspirational.

as to whether i feel self-conscious about claiming this: ABSOLUTELY! if im a trans woman, and mostly interested in women, it follows from there that im mostly gay. which is extremely novel to me, yes. ive had a strong (almost peculiar) interest (both sexually and emotionally) in lesbians since-- really forever, and though i never read a lot of "gay" literature i really had to get melissa etheridges autobiography when i saw it on the shelf.

theres a joke in it about the pacing of lesbian relationships which i always felt a kinship with. when people talk about the "trans agenda" (i have a sense of humour about this stuff, at least so far-- my favourite trans vlogger still does, fwiw) i say "yes! not only do we want to make everyone trans" (we dont, but that wont change much if you dont believe us) "...but we also implant childhood and teenage memories in people that SUDDENLY MAKE PERFECT SENSE when you BECOME a trans person".

jokes aside, i think its more of a realisation than anything else, a discovery. but they definitely gave me the childhood memories to match my "new" gender. (awfully clever of them if you ask me.)

like i was saying, if you joke a couple times that youre a "male lesbian", that doesnt necessarily mean anything, obviously. not necessarily. on the other hand, if you spend years wishing you "could be" a lesbian, "but im not trans", you should give that some more thought and maybe learn more about what it really is to be transgender.

gender dysphoria is the feeling that you have a body that doesnt match your gender. if you dont feel you have a gender at all, thats also worth a look. if you "kind of wish you were trans", and weeks later you STILL "kind of wish you were trans", or you say things like "i always wanted to be a woman, but im not. and trans women are awesome, im just not one of them..." you should probably keep reading. i mean in general, but by all means continue enjoying my ramble if youre actually doing so.

one of my favourite memes is "have you tried NOT being trans?" "...HAVE I?!" i tried it for decades even when i didnt want to. it turns out that if youre really LONGING to be trans, thats a pretty good sign that you are. the "trans agenda" should really add this to their sales pitch, but for some reason they often leave it out!

but im a "scientist", i am (or was) a sceptic: not of transgenderism in general, but one of the stages of denial is trans-self-phobia-- where you may love OTHER trans people for who THEY are, but have transphobia that is self-inflicted anyway.

and ive known people who are trans now that were transphobic previously, which supports the theory i already had that some people are transphobic (just like some people are homophobic) because there is a part of themselves they have trouble accepting.

so as a "scientist" or playing one anyway, i had so many questions...

and i definitely did my research. to be honest it was really fun to learn about, but all it did was make me long more and "wish i could be trans". i think this is funny now, imagine einstein walking around going "no no no, e CANT equal mc squared, thats ridiculous!" and then doing the math again (for the five-hundredth time). whats the point of research if you INSIST on ignoring what you learn from it?

what went from longing TO idle curiosity (yes, in that order) TO a hot debate turned into "goodnight buttercup, sleep well, ill most likely make you cis again in the morning!" though if there was one thing i was sure of, i didnt WANT to be cis "anymore".

so many things i did up to this point, "just to try them" i ended up doing almost compulsively, they became INSTANT routines-- and im not even big on routines. it was crazy to watch myself doing this.

and i was still in denial about it. i now jokingly refer to these routines as "completely normal cis behaviour", as they are things that cis people simply dont do-- let alone routinely.

a favourite (and a simpler one that by itself is less of a sure indication) was wearing lipstick every day. my trans friend told me "men dont wear lipstick" and i protested this-- not for me, only to be fair to men who wear lipstick.

she admitted yes, some men actually do. not usually though...

one of the things that i figured out on my own was that when i cross dress, i cross dress "more like a trans person than a 'cross dresser'" or more like a girl, than a female impersonator. this is totally a spectrum, and cross dressing is on it-- but when i was cross dressing (this was a big realisation YET NOT ENOUGH to fully convince me yet!) i wasnt REALLY "cross dressing"...

(i was just dressing. but i did that i lot before i unlocked that little secret.)

the short version of course is im a girl, i like girls, so im lesbian. thats COMPLETELY legit. i knew it was legit. but one of the stages of denial is trans-self-phobia. OTHER PEOPLE can be trans lesbians like my wonderful friend, but Not Me though! thats just the rule i made up.

and rules are made to be broken.

but am i happy about all this? f***, im euphoric. im still processing how wonderful it is-- ive "wanted to be" this FOREVER!

turns out theres a word for wanting to be trans since, i dunno, your teens or before.

the word is "trans." but if youre still not convinced, look up "trans egg!"

and watch out for the trans-self-phobia.

also, even if youre not trans, you can do like i did and just wear lipstick every day. id have advice for ftm and enbies too, but i never made a very convincing dude, not even to me. you should probably ask a dude what dudes are like if you want to try that.

i thought i was a cis dude since i was born but i always had SOME level of difficulty passing as one-- especially to myself! :) and somehow, this was not a clue until after the realisation.

also i assumed i was enbie, so i love enbies. i love them a lot. its possible im still enbie, but for some reason "trans woman" just wouldnt have any of that, even when i protested:

"enbie, right?"

"did you mean: 'closeted when i go out?'"

"no i mean, boy mode sometimes."

"its ok, you still dont get these terms right." (i still dont, and im not too worried about it. and i dont assume theyre identical for everyone.)

"when are you a 'boy' at home?"

but whatever these terms mean to you, i realised (after SO MUCH debating, until it was f***ing hilarious) that theres simply no way im a cis person who "dresses up as a girl at home".

im a girl who dresses up as a cis boy when i go out.

and though the "cross dressing" (as my true self) was pretty new... the "dressing up as a cis boy" since i was a kid... was not new at all.

so yeah, you can "cross dress" and still be whatever gender you think you are.

its not proof. its a hint. sometimes, its a big hint.

i tried it more than a decade ago, a couple times, and got next to nothing from it.

going out as a girl on halloween did nothing (at the time). i thought it was just for fun. there was no revelation.

then i started doing it whenever i got home...

and i realised, theres really no "boy mode" at home. that was just "default mode." self-imposed mode. not-me mode.

but again, if youre enbie, cool! maybe someday ill figure out i was enbie after all. thats okay, it was okay from the start.

until that happens, im a trans girl. f***ing wild, still processing it, but you know the icing on the cake?

i still sound like a boy, im sure-- changing my voice is not a priority AT ALL. im happy to simply find myself.

but i forgot id spent every day since my teens trying to MAKE my voice deeper.

when i decided i was trans-- not even sure about "woman", just trans-- sometimes my voice just comes out... not "female-sounding" but just... sometimes the deep voice i faked for so long i didnt know i was still faking it, just isnt there. my admittedly boyish sounding voice just COMES OUT on its own-- not fake deep. its one of the biggest surprises ive gotten excited about, because ive put in zero effort towards that.

oh and i cant "fake" deep when i uh... ahem, "vocalise" either... i mean, im sure if i tried harder i absolutely could. but if i try as much as i THINK it will take, it still comes out not as deep.

in simple terms, i have to put in noticeably more effort now to fake as deep a voice as i always have.

"completely normal cis behaviour" if i ever!

its exciting to write about this.

its not something i ever thought id get to do; i never thought i would (finally) get to be a girl. and no, somehow, that didnt make it more obvious!

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<3 zara