i was very stressed so I took a a sick day and had a nap.
I've been burning the candle at both ends and coping somewhat poorly lately. I haven't put any real work into myself emotionally for a long time, but there aren't always such difficult times so usually I get away with it.
Ranking high on my list of frustrations is that I am quite an avoidant person. I want to avoid difficult situations, unpleasant thoughts and feelings, and uncomfortable sensations. I suppose this is true for everyone, like most things, but in the same way, it's all matters of degrees and I've dipped out of balance.
I really want to avoid dealing with this. I really want to bury my head, curl up in a ball and sleep it off. Not cut out for this word. Not equipped. I give up.
I'm very tired. When am I meant to push myself and when am I meant to rest? How do you tell? I am not good at interpreting these things, and I strongly feel that managing my own needs is in itself a full time job and I can't work two.
My litmus test has become when I start messing things up even when I'm trying my best. When I'm so scattered that I can't be thorough or accurate. All week I felt crazy, unhinged, emotional. I couldn't work out why I felt so wrong. I mean I have mriad reasons, my life's in shambles, but that's generally the case and I don't usually have to deal with this much emotional instability. Thursday my body informed me that it was in fact the time of the month. This should have been obvious.
On Thursday I was a mess. I could hardly think and when I felt I'd done great work I'd quickly realised I'd made a mistake. I panicked when I messed up and I nearly cried. I woke up this morning, Friday, knowing that next week I need to be on my A-game and pull double my weight at work, so I made the decision to call in a personal day, delegate my morning's tasks from Teams & Outlook on my phone with great difficulty (it took me two tries to write an email to one of my trainees explaining how to add a follower to a document in our crm), offer to come in anyway, get told to try to relax for once, admitting defeat, firing up Runescape and passing out at my computer (with my hand on my mouse) for 5 hours prior to logging in.
All signs point to needing a break from the myriad stressors, so my plan for the rest of the evening relies on multiple naps, a lot of runescape, reading, and writing, in that order. I make no commitments that there will be any more content this weekend, because I read much much more than I write, but if any geminauts find this capsule and want to play some osrs, you should write me.