// June 19 2024, 4 min read, #life
You ever have a moment of clarity that you haven't quite worked through something like you thought you had? Or maybe I'm just resurfacing old feelings simply because I'm in a sour mood?
A year ago my wife started dating a woman that we both knew. They had originally met three years ago now before my wife moved to California, and for various reasons did not form a relationship at that time. I had actually met this woman over four years ago, before pandemic started, because she was the roommate of my Ex. During the summer of 2020 she tried to spend time with me, which I didn't know how to achieve that in early pandemic, me being on the Southside and her on the Northside, there was no way I was going to sit on the Red Line for forty minutes in a simple cloth mask after I had just started coming out of my COVID-19 infection and was feeling the first bits of my longcovid.
I didn't know at the time she had a car 🤦♀️
Tangent: god it pisses me off that one of the major right wing talking points, if they even acknowledge longcovid exists at all, is that it is entirely a "vaccine injury," when the condition was documented well before vaccines became available, I experienced my first symptoms of longcovid well before the vaccines were available, and that I am FAR from alone in this
She's a sweet woman. Kind, quiet, nerdy af, and really chill with a surprisingly good head on her shoulders. Plus she's hyper into the Xenoblade series just like me, and I don't know anyone else who plays them (which is weird because it's turned into a BIG property for Nintendo and Monolithsoft).
We had started talking again last year when she noticed I was back in Chicago. She came over once, but by this time she had already started talking to my wife again. We had been talking about Duster struggling with things after his stroke – he hadn't died yet, and jesus christ I must be in a MOOD because I'm crying now about him and he's not even the point of this story. She said in her last message to me:
Again sorry looking at my phone after working [all] day is really hard sometimes x.x. i really crave human interaction after work since all my interactions are just over text mostly during the day x.x
So, yeah the OBVIOUS message here is that she wanted to see me more in person. But yo let's... let's get all Liz about it for a minute: She said looking at her phone is really hard after work, which basically means texting isn't something she wanted to do. That's totally fine and makes perfect sense.
Except.. well, my wife was sitting next to me on the couch at that very moment, also texting her. And they were texting a lot, and kept texting, and didn't stop texting. And they basically _haven't_ stopped texting. At all. I couldn't make it make sense why she told me that she struggle to look at her phone after work, but didn't say that to my wife and kept looking at her phone for my wife.
I did not respond.
I didn't know how to. I felt betrayed. And she never said anything to me. No follow up, no "hey, how are you doing?" or anything. Because shortly after that my wife and her started dating. And this really hurt me because I was interested in her, but it felt like she was just kinda looking my way until she realized she could get my wife's attention again.
And she hasn't said anything in a year.
I thought I had worked through all this a few months ago. Those two are fantastic together and it's been really great to see my wife so happy with her. And I've been hanging out with the two of them when it makes sense and I've stopped letting this get in the way of talking to her in the group scenario. So much so that my wife has repeatedly told me how much better I seem to be handling all of this. So much so that I told her I have no more hang ups about all that, and when I said it I Meant It.
So why am I here suddenly all up in my feelings about this once more?
She's been indirectly really sweet towards me. Usually by way of things she says to my wife or the ways she thinks of me as part of my wife's life (wife life wife life). And then directly to me, always making sure I'm doing okay or offering help when she's over here. She's regularly trying to include me in things with the two of them as well, which doesn't feel consistent with the fact that we both just stopped talking out of the blue.
And my wife regularly says "she really likes you" but neither of us know exactly what that means. How does she like me?
I really don't know why I'm so in my head about this today.
I did switch from oral estradiol to patches on Saturday, so I wonder if the hormones are influencing my mood. This could all just be echoes of old feelings. It could be that I haven't actually worked through this.
This is gemini only because even though I know my wife does not make a habit of reading my website, I know for a fact she's never even looked at the gemini protocol. If this keeps bothering me beyond today I will talk it through with her. I just need somewhere to put my thoughts.
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