I don't quite know how to explain how I've been feeling lately. I guess the best way to say it is that I've just simply been depressed. Over the past few weeks I've been worrying about our finances, and how far behind we are. Those worries have, of course, led to me contemplating leaving my life at home and re-entering the workforce. The catch--I desperately want to work in Cynthiana, and there just aren't any jobs to be had. Well, there are a few jobs, say if I want to fry chicken, flip burgers, or bag groceries. There just aren't any jobs here which I would enjoy doing. So, to have a job, I'd have to look at something in another city. ...and there really aren't any jobs out there, either--at least none that wouldn't interfere with my schooling and cause a childcare nightmare. So, if I truly wanted to get a job to bring some ease to the financial tension, I'd have to forfeit school and find some other means of childcare. Needless to say, I really don't want to do either. Diana and I already have the kids in a childcare facility, primarily for educational purposes. They've been attending head-start programs for about two years now, and really enjoy being there. Each day, they get to interact with other children near their age while learning and discovering new things. We have the ability of dropping them off at six in the morning and picking them up at six in the evening; though I typically only have them there during the hours of "school" (whenever possible I pick 'em up early or just have 'em skip a day because I miss them). ...but if I were to get a job out of town, it would change that a bit. There wouldn't be any more skipped days. There wouldn't be any more early pick-ups or late drop-offs. There'd be less time with the kids... That's one of the greater parts of my depressed state. The other.... Diana's ten year high school reunion was this weekend. That event was somewhat depressing in and of itself. It was a cruel reminder of what high school had been like. We're sure that none of it was intentional, like it had been, or seemed to be, back when we were younger. It's understandable that everyone would flock to the friends they had known, isn't it? I mean, that's the point of a reunion, right? Well, it's kinda awkward and slightly painful when you really didn't have any friends to begin with. A few people did stop to say "hi" and exchange a few kind words with Diana, but those five or so kind gestures paled in comparison to the gatherings of friends a short distance away. I, of course, was slightly uncomfortable to begin with as I really didn't know anyone there, despite the fact that we attended the same school and I was only one year behind them. Only one person spoke with me, and I'd wager that the exchange wouldn't have taken place had we not known each other in years prior, outside of school. It was additionally painful when I recognized two of the faces belonging to the guys who carried me across the locker room and dumped me in a trash can in my freshman year. Negative memories of our teenage years slowly crept back in our minds. After an hour, Diana and I left the party. Rather than staying and feasting upon the food that our fifty dollars had helped secure, we drove towards home, and stopped at the Wendy's in Paris on the way. The night wasn't a complete loss. We had the chance to be alone. And I did manage to make her smile while we were at the reunion... ...after she had stated that she was starting to remember what those years had been like, I leaned in slightly and said, "Ya know, we've got three dozen eggs in the fridge. Wanna go get them and pay a visit to the school?" Needless to say, we didn't get the eggs, or go to the high school--though the thought was nice. ...and now I've manged to write myself into one of those spots where I cannot think of anything else to say... ...so, I guess I'll just draw this thing to a close; but before I do... I thought of this post's title while I was writing it. Just out of the blue, a little snippet of dialogue popped into my mind. I'd like to see if someone can finish the quote, and tell me who said it. Ready? "Anger turned inward is depression. Anger turned sideways is..." So, what's the rest of quote, and who said it? Winner gets a bazaillion imaginary bonus points.
Tags: #randomness
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