we lost her about 5 months ago. we're only just starting to pull ourselves back together. they make you do so much paperwork when someone dies.
we went to her house in january and cleaned out the kitchen, throwing away the rotting food and taking home what was still good. canned soup, dried lentils, peanut butter--and a huge bag of chocolate chips. i thought to myself "how nice it would be to make cookies with these. i could give them all to our friends and neighbors who have been so kind to us. a small piece of her in every one."
but i was so tired, so out of it. it was easier to just throw some in a bowl and snack on them together. i'd make the cookies later. days to weeks to months--i still haven't made the cookies. i said "we have to stop eating these. i really should make something out of this." the bag used to be so full. there used to be so much left.
i'm starting to have a hard time picturing what she looked like. what her voice sounded like. little by little, the pieces disappear.