why is writing so hard?
why is everything so hard??? -.-
I fucking love writing, it's the single most cathartic thing I've ever done. when I recently discovered I could actually do it it nearly brought me to tears. (that is, writing about things that matter. I could easily go on about how much UNIX sucks for hours but that's boooooring nerd shit) then why can I never bring myself to do it? there's always some excuse; it's just late, I really have nothing to say, I'm just not in the right headspace. they're not always necessarily false, but they kind of defeat the purpose. and besides I do got plenty to say. I think. I think plenty, but I have terrible memory of it. it all sounds so nice in my head, but when I sit down later to write it out, my fingers simply refuse to turn it into words!!! what's so special about this magical headspace anyhow? why do I seem to only have ever been pushed into it after Very Bad Stuff happening? is it because there's something inherently wrong with me that makes me unable to gather inspiration from anything that isn't heavy duty emotional whiplash, or are these profound shifts enough to throw me off balance and allow me to be someone else, if for a brief time, someone who is actually half-decent at writing?
or is writing just fucking hard as shit? or all of the above??? :c
in other news, today I was briefly sucked back into someone I wasn't even aware was alive anymore. a particularly insidious one at that. one that, at least to me, repersents much of the Bad Stuff from the deep past. it sits in a very awkward spot, in between the idealized deep past when everything was still alright, and the bad stuff that followed. I guess it's a sobering reminder of just how much the human brain filters and distorts one's memories to fit a given narrative, and how withot being aware of it at all, I have been embodying radically different identities throughout my life, some of which I would rather just stop haunting me; some of which I wasn't even aware were still there, haunting me.
for that brief period of time, perhaps a solid few minutes with a rather long tail of a somber feeling of impending doom, I experinced a... very strange kind of humiliation. I guess it was very strange going through that experience in a room full of other people? like, could they feel it too? did they realize at all what I was going through? can abject non-communication protect you from... basic situational awareness? maybe all just a fantasy my brain conjured up to torment me even more, as if I wasn't having enough fun already. it was extremely humiliating nonetheless. I don't think I've experienced much humiliation at all throughout my life, but I dare say that that is exactly what I experienced at that moment.
I'm not entirely sure what triggered it. no doubt a combination of different factors. I had already made a mistake that involved communication sometime earlier in the day, and I guess I just wasn't prepared for a sequence of events that, together with the scorching heat of the early march post-peak-oil sun, brought me to... well, yeah.
I don't want that to happen again. if I am to think of this identity as a literal person, then I want to kill him (editor's note: yes, him, though deadnaming me is far from his worst crime.) I don't think that is a healthy way to think about it though. I mean, it's not like I can just get a gun and spray lead at... myself? well I could but that would also kill me. the real me. ashley even.
oh well. I somehow managed to spit out a nearly coherent rant. things are not too well. and then they suddenly are. but then not again. not that this matters too much. real-time updates would have to be given in 24-hour cycles at least, and this is going to take weeks, maybe even months before I make up my mind on whether to publish it. (editor's note: a little over 3 weeks!)
lol wouldn't that be funny. step right up to ashley's real-time mental-health-o-neter! sounds exactly great for my mental health too! just the extra stress-inductor I needed, because I didn't already have enough of that! >_>
OHH nearly FORGOT! hi kids!!!! SHIITT! ^^
in other other news I met nice people in some niche online game too. that was very nice.
ohh and, uh. do take care! <3