so here's for an idea unique to this place: i am making statuses all over again, in a less visible place, with stricter rules that put things firmly into the twitter-level rulebook: no more than 280 characters per paragraph. what could possibly go wrong?
1. i have an idea of expanding my profile section with additional things, particularly a log of all my productivity system attempts i'm currently working on.
2. i want to share my workflows with others, partly to think them through and discuss them with people, partly cos i also want to inspire those in a similar situation to mine to keep iterating and trying to fix things in their lives too.
3. i keep making these systems to motivate myself, and while all of them have issues, and many of them fail on me, they still help me by simply being there, and the experience i get jumping around between them is surprisingly transferable between them.
4. i first need to determine the paths i want to take with my site and also figure out how to capture my ideas so they don't simply get lost in my head.
5. gonna note these three points down so i don't forget: bento, spinning wheel, tiers of importance.
i am thinking of resuming meditation attempts. i know it can help me, but discipline has not been my particular strength with it (shouldn't be surprising to anyone lol).
1. two notably related things happened within these 24 hours that loosely fit within a single topic: delaying things. primarily tasks and various creative pursuits.
2. the first thing that happened was an unexpected finding. i accidentally unearthed a backup copy of the script for a youtube video i planned to finish way back in late 2016. i was quite overjoyed to find it as it brought back the memories of me trying to make it on yt back then.
3. the video was meant to be a movie review, and i was *really* getting that inspiration from the english-language reviewers i enjoyed back then. there are traces of nostalgia critic, yourmoviesucks and i hate everything all over the script, and that itself was a whiplash to me.
4. now, the way it ties up into the theme of delays is that right in its first paragraph i made a joke about how that very review was delayed ever since june of that same year i came up with the idea for it, and that it was just the way i'd function and the way things would go.
5. the irony of such statement is not lost on me, and it is kind of amusing how i was poking fun at my lack of composure even back then, but now that i think about it, this issue plagued me for more than eight years now. jesus.
6. another thing that happened is mom asking me for help with rewriting certain pages for her that she had in an image format. at first she just gave me two pages, so i though "no big deal, i'll do that". then when i accepted it she bombarded me with *twenty-five more pages.*
7. that fucking sucked and it ruined my entire day, and worst of all, i could not even finish the first two pages because of that. i tried to escape the copious amounts of stress that gave me by watching youtube, and a little break turned into three wasted hours of my life.
8. i wanted to look for a job today, even wanting to go to a specific location that supposedly accepted the applicants. that plan was foiled by this shit, and i feel lifeless and unwilling to do anything again. fuck this so fucking much.
1. i am a bit bored, but i am also rather overexcited by the opportunity of doing something new, so i can't quite shake off the idea of committing to this page, even though my plans are meant to be more of a gradual commitment instead.
2. anyway, i largely determined from my experimentation that i want to try this twitter thread-esque writing style as a commitment. i want to make one of these daily, on an arbitrary topic. just come up with something fast and send it. try it for one month, see how it goes.
3. i'm feeling a bit pressured by the formats i already have for my writings, and i still want to write, yap about things, such and such, without much commitment and hopefully no unnecessary judgements attached. this is going to be my final gempost for today, i need to unwind.
it's too hot! and too humid! feeling like i'm gonna boil ngl
1. i realized i didn't tag my previous post for any mental health stuff like i generally try to do, so i amended that. maybe i do want an outlet specifically for airing that out, though.
2. for some reason it feels weird for me to write a diary that only i can read. i want to be heard in some way. i want things to be there to at least know someone can hear about my problems.
3. in a sense it means diaries for things such as mental health don't really work for me conceptually, cause while i do want to be heard, i cant share too much out of fear of being judged as well as risk of a wrong person reading the notes and potentially using them against me.
4. it's in these circumstances i realize how great therapy would be for me. i cant afford it in absence of any stable income, so i'm kind stuck in an uphill battle atm. all i can do is reassure that i have clarity and a general path forward. if i got that, i can move rocks.
[contains discussions of mental health issues]
1. today was kind of a wack day. i started with a plan for doing certain things, and then i got distracted, fell into a depressive episode, and laid down on a couch, pretty much to watch youtube on a tv and not do anything particularly interesting.
2. the depressive episode in question was quite terrible, mentally paralyzing to me. this time, however, it also came with a revelation that i was quite satisfied with the productivity system i had in place. outside of the episode itself, i felt fulfilled with the work i put in.
3. i could no longer direct my depressive thoughts towards frustrations regarding my work ethic, because despite being spotty, it was actually finally there for me.
4. this means that to solve my issues with depression, i really need to optimize elsewhere.