Donal O'Regan, 12 May
“WHEN little people are overwhelmed by big emotions it is our job to
share our calm not join their chaos” - LR Knost.
There are six basic emotions which are universally experienced by every
one of all ages, across all cultures - fear, disgust, anger, surprise,
happiness, and sadness. Feeling all our emotions is a very normal and
important part of being human and being a child. Emotions are a
subjective experience, meaning that although two children may go
through the same experience, how they interpret this experience and
what they feel as a result, may be very different.
Emotions elicit a body response, for example heart racing, pain in
tummy, breathing faster, sweaty hands, etc. Again, these can be very
different for each child. The behavioural response is how we react or
behave in response to an emotion. This may include crying, laughing,
jumping, shouting, cuddling with a parent, throwing something or
talking it out.
It is important to remember that the part of the brain which manages
impulsive behaviours doesn’t start to develop until around four years
old, and continues to develop until well into our 20s. Younger children
therefore need a lot more support to understand and manage their
emotions and the behavioural response.
The ability to control our emotions is known as emotion regulation.
This process takes time and can be challenging for some. Emotion
regulation involves - becoming aware of the emotion; using words to
describe the emotion; understanding the body reaction; identifying what
triggers the emotion and finally learning strategies to manage it. As a
child becomes more capable in emotion regulation, they begin to respond
to the emotion, rather than reacting to it (which often looks like
tantrums, lashing out, aggressive behaviour and shouting).
In order to help a child to learn emotion regulation, adults must first
be capable of self-regulation – the awareness, knowledge and
understanding of our own emotions, behaviours and reactions. When we
are regulated, not only are we a positive role model, we are able to
meet the child’s nervous system ‘where it is at’ by listening,
remaining calm and providing a warm responsive relationship.
Practising emotional literacy, that is, naming emotions in a calm
manner, will teach children emotions do not require a drastic response.
For example, ‘I am feeling really angry that I spilt my tea. I am going
to take a few deep breaths and take a minute to calm before I clean it
up’.
Exhibiting a big emotion does not mean a child is trying to annoy us,
ruin our day, or upset us. The child is learning and these are
opportunities for us to reframe how we are thinking - ‘This is a chance
for me to teach my child how to cope with these big feelings’.
Popular emotion regulation strategies include sensory supports, calming
techniques, and thinking strategies. Activities such as squeezing a
fidget ball or silly putty, sitting with a weighted blanket, swinging
on a swing, or jumping trampoline are all useful sensory supports.
Calming techniques include progressive muscle relaxation (PMR),
colouring, relaxing music, and breathing techniques.
Thinking strategies help by learning about the body and what happens
when we over react, considering the size of the problem versus size of
the reaction, managing self-talk (inner coach v inner critic) and using
more flexible thinking. These strategies can be used to regulate
various emotions and should be used in line with the child’s own
preference.
Top Tips To Help your Child Manage their Big Emotions
The most important thing to remember when your child is experiencing a
big emotion, is to stay calm. Use breathing techniques and take a brief
moment to yourself, if it is safe to do so, before intervening with
your child.
Be empathetic and non-judgemental – what the child is feeling is very
real for them! Acknowledging that the feeling they are having is fair
and valid can help.
Be with them in their feelings, get down to their level, make eye
contact and listen.
Step back and give the child space if they need it (1 metre). Stay
present, they may look for a hug or some affection.
Reduce talking – avoid entering into an argument or negotiation. Until
the body is regulated, the reasoning part of their brain is not working
and it can be difficult for them to listen or have a conversation.
A game that involves deep breaths can help bring your child back to
calm – for example hot chocolate breathing (pretending to smell a cup
of hot chocolate then blowing out to cool it down). Practise these
breathing techniques when the child is regulated so that they know what
to do when experiencing a big emotion.
Always remember that every big feeling begins, has a peak and then
comes to an end
If you want more information about this topic, the Primary Care Child
and Family Psychology Service is running a free webinar entitled
Helping Your Child Manage Big Emotions on Thursday, May 16 from 10.00 –
11.30am. To register contact the Primary Care Psychology team on
061-483692.