Sometimes, well to be honest, most of the time I live life as if I'm a character in a game. Like I view everything in a third person point of view. My late teens were whizzing past and I am now in my early to mid 20s. There are some very brief moments of clarity where I find myself catching a glimpse of my face in a mirror or seeing a photo of my face and my first thought would be "oh shit! I'm real.".
The other week I was out shopping for some clothes when my mother noticed that I had one strand of white hair on my head full of jet black. I saw in her eyes and face the difficult fact to swallow that her little boy wasn't so little anymore. We had a moment where little was spoken but a lot was said.
Another thing that I realized upon reflecting on my mortality is the fact that time waits for no one. The days that I remember like yesterday are already 10 years in the past. I feel like I lament the loss of my youth and missed opportunities and more. But now I think that one day I'd wake up 50 and lament the loss of my 20s which I wasted in nostalgia.
Perhaps its time to wake up, Perhaps its time to put down the mourning suit and live. Perhaps its time to let go and fly.
That first gray hair is definitely a bit discombombulating. Something that I find worth remembering is this: if you're in your early to mid twenties you almost certainly have two literal entire lifetimes worth of time left to do stuff in. The time will not be the same as your early years, but you trade youthful exuberance and (some) energy for experience and wisdom. It is not a bad trade. You can do some really cool things with the abilities you develop as you get older.
For a while I lamented the loss of previous opportunities. I think many (all?) people do this, and part of the reason is a natural human tendency. Another part is the tendency of older generations to tell kids "your opportunities are endless." It's nothing against them because it is true as far as it goes, but the part they forget to mention is that as time goes on you HAVE TO and WILL solidify choices in history, and that changes your possible trajectories. That is how time works. I haven't figured out a way around it, and lacking a time machine I doubt anyone else has either. Your recognition that you could one day wake up in your 50s and lament the loss of your 20s is a useful tool for making sure you don't actually waste them. Once you get there, though, just remember that whatever you are doing now is what you wanted to do (bound by what you are able to do, of course). Nothing is perfect, and it's important to know that you do forge your own future.
Just my two cents. I hope it's helpful for you. We are all playing on the same game board, and I wish you luck with your game.
Happens to all of us ;-)
I had a weird phase in my life when i not really participated in anything, i was somewhat... absent... one day a 600 Mhz PIII with 256 MB RAM was the hot shit and then... after a time of 'absence' you realize that this system is now what is used for retro-gaming.