bit of background: day 0 was a massively significant day in my life. sometime early feb 2024. at first I kept track of each new day that passed but I lost count. things haven't been perfect of course, (which is why I lost count, on day 9 or so, not wholly unintentionally) but it is only thanks to the big shifts that I have ever been made even aware of the monsters I'm up against, let alone been made to battle them. day 0 was the second shift, since the first (late early 2023) had long stagnated. someday I may elaborate on what led to the first shift but that's a topic for another time.
sometime in early march I began writing. yeah the hypnagogia files and all that. my writing after day 0 has been more or less consistently accompanied by an overwhelming sense of cathartic finality. like I'm finally spitting out a poison which had been slowly killing me from the inside for years. but it's never even remotely final. once I finish writing anything a million other things which remain unsaid make themselves known. and I desperately chase them, but they snicker in mockery and slip away like a handful of beach sand (I hate the beach.)
the thoughts all come at the worst possible time, and they evaporate soon as they arrive. you can hardly ever sit down to write them unless you're in the "right headspace", i.e. you happen to be thinking those thoughts at that time. I have been trying to write them as brief synopses as soon as they happen, to prompt my memory and hopefully force me into the right headspace next time I sit down to write. I have accumulated a bunch of them across 3 files which, if all goes to plan, will become 3 gemlog posts this weekend. stay tuned so you can watch me fail miserably. ashley will probably make a post whining about it, the little shit, so it may not be a complete failure in that sense. failure to post that is. that's probably not a healthy way to think about it.
ughhhhhhh.