=== musings and music

ive known too many people that think drama is only something you find when youre looking for it. and running away from something that isnt necessary to get involved with is a useful skill. personally, i like to run away a little bit and maybe comment on it. this isnt "live, on location!" but when ive had some time to think about it, sometimes i want to report.

absolutely people look for trouble, and find it more often when they do. i was looking for dj artists that are trans women, which wont be the topic for today-- but i did find at least one that interests me, along with a couple of cis female djs i didnt know about but might listen to now.

given the (often dubious, but sometimes interesting) nature of internet searches, what i found more of when i was just looking for artists using cdjs was stuff about mister cee, and a post-op dancer in florida who was breaking the internet (2 months ago) when she started exposing cis men who had relations with her.

the central theme that inspired this post is transphobia in hip-hop culture, though apart from seeing LOTS of that, i thoroughly enjoyed listening to some dj mixes that were already oldschool 10 or 15 years ago.

i really do like music from every decade, though the 1950s were a bit rough-- the 40s had amazing jazz, the 60s had bossa nova, the 70s had rock and disco and funk, and the 80s had new wave. i am in love with the 90s, from 90s rock and pop and dance music, but these days the music i enjoy most (on top of everything else i still like) tends to be at dj shows. for what its worth, my favourite dj is black but my other favourites include white and asian guys. ive heard some good female djs but i have yet to fall in love with one musically. that could change very soon.

this has nothing to do with talent, incidentally. ive heard some incredibly talented female djs, i have at least a mild interest in how dj mixing actually works but ive never tried it-- i tried putting together a couple of techno tracks more than 15 years ago, just for my own amusement and im sure they werent worth releasing to the public. but i admire what people can do with modern equipment, and what it actually takes to do things on physical turntables is insane. the beats are constantly drifting apart and have to be constantly matched up again in realtime. i respect every generation responsible for this craft.

but im still unbelievably picky (not in terms of talent, just in terms of what i listen to often) and finding a favourite tends to overlook most (not all) of the best known dj talent today. so the fact that i havent found a "perfect" female dj yet (apart from the fact that i dont feel rushed to have a favourite anything-- many people dont seem to have favourites at all) isnt about talent as much as its about preference and style.

on the one hand i probably listen to dj music more than anything else, its been that way for years. i love to find a good set and just listen to it a hundred times while im working on something. but even my favourite artists will do a small number of sets that make it to my playlists (im deliberately not naming them, if you wondered-- this isnt a gemlog where i ever plan to talk about which artists i listen to, but i may make an exception for some trans artists) but most of their sets ill listen to once or twice only. usually there will be something i dont like (even with my favourite artists) and im that picky.

i want music to move me, i want it to have lots of energy, but i dont want it to distract me from what im doing. it works best when i can get into it and stay into it. there are very few artists who can do that, and ive explored a number of (really great) artists but most just dont fit exactly what im trying to find.

im not as picky about pop singles, where instead of taking apart every aspect of something i will listen to it just because it makes me nostalgic about something. i also love the beatles, who i discovered in part due to a technology-related comeback when their best albums started being digitally remastered (and re-released) one by one.

but getting back to what this post is supposed to be about, there are an increasing number of rappers (however few) admitting theyre attracted to trans women. i think overall this is a positive trend, because when every attraction to trans women is a secret one it increases the danger of attacks on people in the community when someone finds out SOMEONE ELSE was with a transgender person. a lot of times, that person knew they were with someone trans and they arent bothered by that at all, but if their friends find out it can turn into something dangerous-- usually for the person who is transgender.

the more people admit they are attracted to trans women, the more mainstream it becomes and it loses a lot of its shock value (and in the long run, toxicity and danger.) this isnt linear-- it was rare for homosexuals for example, to come out before the 90s, but despite incredible leaps in just the past few decades from a relatively informed public to gay marriage-- to it becoming legal to be gay in countries where it never was before, there are still attacks on gay clubs. trends move in a forward direction overall, but not always.

so i watched mister cee talk about how hes basically (from what i can tell) a chaser, a fetishist, but while i dont know anyone who would consider that aspect of it a positive, it is leading to more open discussion in the black community. ive seen plenty of transphobia today for sure, but also gentle corrections even from mister cee, telling people things like "no, not a dude, a trans WOMAN..." and it doesnt give me lots of hope, but it does give me a little.

ive dated mostly bisexuals (before "pan" was a big term, at least as far as i know) and had a few connections with the lgbt community for longer than they really meant it when they added the "t", and before i ever considered myself lesbian (though i did always relate very strongly to lesbians.) as to whether im attracted to guys, i am occasionally and its a fun idea but in terms of an identity, its enough of a challenge to accept myself as a trans lesbian without trying to claim bisexual.

ive never felt comphet, but guys arent entirely boring-- theyre difficult to relate to even with common ground of liking women, since i always liked women in more of a "lesbian way" tbh and cis men for the most part like women in a way that actually feels different to me. many aspects of this are indeed boring and im not entirely interested in relating to it (and its not that cis men are also sexual, that doesnt bother me) but really from a cultural standpoint, i find some aspects of this completely mundane while other parts of it do make me interested in where all this is going.

what im saying is, i think love (along with attraction and relationships) is interesting, and it doesnt always have to be the same kind of attraction or relationships i enjoy personally for me to want an understanding of it. for both political and philosophical reasons, im interested in how this is playing out for our community.

one of the themes that came up while i was watching "the star report" was a caller saying rappers have always been a little bit "fruity". and its funny, i hadnt thought about it, but the way things moved from disco and funk to hip hop, it really shouldnt be a surprise to any of us. rap music is predominantly (but not exclusively) about machismo and status, but it also touches on themes that are philosophical and even feminist (if sometimes crudely).

i watched the video for "ladies night" (the one with missy and lil kim, not the original) for the first time ever recently, and lil kim is even hotter from a lesbian standpoint than a "straight" male perspective. not that i think i was EVER a straight male, though i sometimes thought i was. i also never thought id be attracted to missy elliott, but i love her sense of humour and relentless sexiness, which almost doesnt care what you think to the point where missy can absolutely change your mind and make you like her even more than kim. i love missy elliott, if only a little bit. but i also missed so many amazing lyrics from that song when i used to think i was hearing it.

when everyone was making fun of disco, i was simply unaware how important it was to the black and gay communities, as i wasnt part of the disco generation and had it presented to me looking back on it from a time that considered itself "better" than that. when i started learning more about this, it gave me slightly broader interest in both disco and hip hop, though much like the term "bisexual" i dont really have the information i think (for whatever reason) i need to call myself a "fan". the genres i listen to the least are country (i can barely stand it) and rap (i definitely like it sometimes) but as with the term bisexual, even if i dont claim it identity-wise im not going to pretend the interest level is zero either.

and of course, i like dj music. it would be unfair to say it doesnt have roots in hip hop culture, even if it left the nest and went on to do things that are sometimes closer to pop music-- pop is ultimately the adaptation and repackaging of every other cultural and musical form, and its going to have some things in common with all of them. what i mean is, credit where credit is due.

so hip hop strayed towards extreme machismo, which of course is "NEVER" (lol) gay or feminine, as we are often told. i really didnt know how strongly the ties were between bad boy and gay/trans culture-- even if it was, well, "trapped in the closet". but when you consider the roots of hip hop, and ignore the machismo, this makes plenty of sense.

really though, it shouldnt ever be a revelation that homosexuality and transgenderism will ultimately be found everywhere, in every culture, except for the way that so many cultures repress both of these things. people are surprised when rappers are gay or like trans women, because theyre told that neither of these are normal, when in fact they are universal.

the shock that comes from these "revelations" is really like, to borrow a somewhat gay trope, toto pulling back the curtain to reveal the obvious. no matter how much smoke and mirrors you add to make a person seem larger than life, rappers as well as trans women are simply people-- and people get attracted to each other and do things, and even love each other.

the real revelation should be seeing just what lengths society will go to twist all of these obvious things around, into being strange and shocking. i mean, im not surprised that people are shocked-- theyve been told all their lives that these things arent normal-- "suddenly", these things are "everywhere!" although they already, always were.

but for that to happen, society had to essentially build closets around all of that. im not saying the closet isnt something we never need, i use it myself-- though society had to pretend very very hard that it isnt humanity thats "a bit gay", its just THESE PEOPLE-- its not humanity, its just THEM. society had to create this separation, before people could be shocked by THE RETURN OF THE GAYS and THE TRANS!

as for the dancer in florida, i dont know why shes doing this-- if its just narcissism or (this was hinted at, i didnt research it much though i did try to find out) whether shes like "youre outing me as trans so im outing you as being attracted to trans women"-- the word "problematic" is so strained at this point, im surprised it doesnt just spontaneously combust.

i dont know what her deal is, or which side of this is more messed up. as it is so often with these online shitstorms, you have one side saying that OF COURSE YOU CAN TELL, how can you not tell-- and this is transphobic but seems like a logical defence against the idea that anyone was being fooled. and on the other side you have people saying shes to blame for exploiting these men, in a way that is also distinctly transphobic.

for the most part, she is attacked and "defended" by transphobes on "both sides" of this. about which a lot more probably ought to be said. along with the fact that most trans women looking for relationships are up front, but if youre taking home dancers from a club or paying people to get in your limo, i mean, i only know about that from movies and youtube. and from workers who made a name for themselves by outing people in the music industry.

the trans woman who outed mister cee (a different woman, not the one in florida making headlines recently) said she regretted outing him. obviously, you shouldnt out people in the first place. though the fact that people do anyway is leading to some conversations-- mostly negative ones, which in the long run could help. i still think (very strongly) that you shouldnt out people. it puts people in danger, both mentally and physically. the fact that some positive results may come out of it in the long run doesnt change any of that.

im sure it will be a long time before hip hop makes great strides with regards to any of this. if im hopeful, its not about the present or the immediate future. im a little hopeful-- ive seen a little bit of hope, and im happy about that. but of course, this happiness is extremely cautious. talking about this is still valid, still reasonable to do, even from the closet. but obviously, if there wasnt also cause for concern, the closet would be a thing of the past. i mean, it isnt just about paranoia. things arent always easy in here, but obviously theyre incredibly difficult outside, too. or else, we probably wouldnt be here.

im told regularly that i dont need to be closeted, by people who are more understanding than this might make them seem-- theyre not trying to pressure me to come out (thats not always a lot better than outing someone) but theyre just being... optimistic. they want to welcome me to come out. i should note that some of these people are pansexual and have already been in transgender or homosexual (lesbian) relationships. when theyre welcoming me to come out, they have some experience at least with the idea.

my response to this is first of all, thank you, but what theyre saying isnt universal-- its not true everywhere (there are also personal situations that are more complex than geography, and often these are the sorts of situations we dont know about a person). ive moved around a lot, and im not done moving yet. if i get a chance to settle somewhere that is so welcoming (this is actually not a priority goal at the moment) then yes, their points would stand up fairly well. as it happens, its not quite as simple as they make it out to be. but their point of view isnt entirely invalid either.

society ultimately needs to learn that these things arent separate, they arent new, and whats changing is the level of awareness that lgbt actually exists. of course, people knew that 20 years ago. but for most people, it existed in a way that could be ignored most of the time. now it cant, and people actually want to have their ROUTINE existence acknowledged-- and that shocks people.

what can i tell you? society is pretty bizarre in that way. its shocked that not everyone actually prefers to be closeted, or marginalised, and suddenly these people want to use bathrooms and everything!

and in the face of this "change", all the false assumptions people were expected to form their decisions and lifestyles around, just dont work exactly the same way that they used to. suddenly, they have to actually think about this stuff.

and they think we dont know what thats like-- like transphobia is something only cis people have experienced. but they do know theres black-on-black racism, they know there are gays that try to convert people to being straight again, and they know there are light-skinned people who "pass" in predominantly "white" situations. so really, hip hop culture already understands all of this-- just maybe not everyone has made the connection yet, realising the incredible overlap between themes (separate restrooms, even) that have affected both communities.

its so obvious, there is at least some reason to be (cautiously) hopeful. in the long run.

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<3 zara