"I AM THE FUTURE"
                       THE J. DANFORTH QUAYLE PRIMER


1988

AUG. 17 - In addressing a California delegation Quayle remarks "The real
question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to
the--to the back!"

AUG. 17 - Quayle justifies decision to join National Guard "I did not know in
1969 that I would be in this room today."

AUG. 19 - A reporter is booed by Quayle's hometown crowd for having the
audacity to ask him about the hypocrisy of his loud support of Vietnam War
and subsequent draft avoidance.

AUG. 19 - Quayle justifies decision to ask parents to get him into National
Guard "I do--I do--I do--I do what any normal person would do at that age. 
You call home.  You call home to mother and father and say, 'I'd like to get
in the National Guard.'"

AUG. 22 - Bush defends Quayle by saying, "He did not go to Canada, he did not
burn his draft card, and he damn sure didn't burn the American flag!"

AUG. 23 - James Quayle says his son "doesn't have the greatest smarts in the
world."

AUG. 23 - Quayle denies involvement with Paula Parkinson saying "I hope
there's some respect and dignity for things I did not do."

AUG. 25 - Quayle says his work on Senate Armed Services Committee involved
getting cruise missiles "more accurate so that we can have precise
precision."

AUG. 27 - Quayle extols virtues of family "I've been very blessed with
wonderful parents and a wonderful family, and I am proud of my family.
Anybody turns to their family.  I have a very good family.  I'm fortunate to
have a very good family.  I believe very strongly in the family.  It's one of
the things we have in our platform, is to talk about it."

SEP. 8 - Quayle cites Tom Clancy novel as justification for building anti-
satellite weapon.

SEP. 8 - Quayle says Republicans "understand the importance of bondage
between parent and child."

SEP. 8 - Marilyn Quayle claims her husband "really is the studious sort" who
"tries to read Plato's 'Republic' every year."

SEP. 13 - Quayle demonstrates his sophisticated wit remarking "Want to hear
a sad story about the Dukakis campaign?  The governor of Massachusetts, he
lost his top naval advisor last week.  His rubber ducky drowned in the bath
tub."

SEP. 15 - Quayle calls the Holocaust "an obscene period in our nations's
history.

SEP. 15 - Quayle claims "I didn't live in this century."

SEP. 21 - Quayle makes the redundant campaign promise "We're going to have
the best-educated American people in the world."

SEP. 21 - Marilyn Quayle says what attracted her to her husband was his
"intellectual curiosity."

SEP. 29 - Quayle says the book "Nicholas and Alexandra' "shows how people
that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a
tremendous impact on history."

OCT. 5 - Quayle asks Ailes's permission regarding debate gesture "Hey, Roger,
does...on, on this, you know, if I'm gonna, if I, if I decide on my gesture
over there...is that all right?...You don't mind?"

OCT. 5 - Quayle tells debate audience he would never have "another Jimmy
Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy
Carter grain embargo."

OCT. 5 - At the same debate Quayle remarks that proof of his commitment to
the environment is "I take my children hiking and fishing, walking in the
woods."

OCT. 6 - Quayle explains inability at debate to say what he'd do if he
suddenly became president by saying "I had not had that question before."

OCT. 9 - Quayle explains why questions about his parent's ties to John Birch
Society aren't relevant by declaring "Because I say it isn't."

OCT. 10 - Quayle insists he really does know what to do if he becomes
president "Certainly I know what to do, and when I am vice-president--and I
will be--there will be contingency plans under different situations. And I'll
tell you what--I'm not going to go out and have a news conference about it,
I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there!  Does that answer the
question?"

OCT. 10 - Quayle tells debate audience his "commitment to the poor" once led
him to visit people at a food bank who were "so glad that I took time out of
my schedule" that they didn't ask him about his votes against programs that
would have helped them.

OCT. 18 - Quayle tells eleven-year-old girl he'd want her to have a baby if
she was raped by her father "You're a very strong woman... Though this would
be a traumatic experience that you would never forget, I think that you would
be very successful in life."

OCT. 20 - Quayle explains why he calls rural America 'real America' "It's
rural America. It's where I come from. We always refer to ourselves as real
American. Rural America, real America, real, real America."

NOV. 6 - Quayle ruminates about upcoming Thanksgiving holiday "I suppose
three important things certainly come to my mind that we want to say thank
you.  The first would be our family.  Your family, my family--which is
composed of an immediate family of a wife and three children, a larger family
with grandparents and aunts and uncles.  We all have our family, whichever
that may be."

NOV. 8 - Quayle elected Vice-President.

NOV. 21 - Nixon meets Quayle, says he's not "an intellectual midget.

NOV. 30 - Quayle says campaign taught him to talk less: "Verbosity leads to
unclear, inarticulate things."

DEC. 26 - Bush embarks on annual quail-hunting trip, says, "I don't think I
could shoot a deer.  Quail--that's something else again."


1989

JAN. 20 - Quayle takes oath of office and leaves out a line.  Marilyn's hat,
which resembles dogfood dish, blows off.

JAN. 31 - Quayle says U.S. "condones violence in El Salvador."

FEB. 3 - Quayle says U.S. expects Salvadoran officials "to work toward the
elimination of human rights."

MAR. 2 - With the GOP National Committee having censured views of Louisiana
state legislator David Duke, Quayle commends party for its "censorship" of
Duke.

MAR. 13 - Quayle gloats that he now has the upper hand over political
enemies: "I'm the Vice-President.  They know it, and they know that I know
it."

MAR. 16 - Quayle says 'The Satanic Verses' is "obviously not only offensive
but, I think most of us would say, in bad taste," though he hasn't read it.

MAR. 31 - Bush establishes President's Council on Competitiveness, agency
dedicated to furtive undoing of environmental and safety regulations that
business finds onerous.  Names Quayle chairman.

APR. 5 - USA TODAY reports Quayle's praise of pastime popular with boss:
"Great American sport.  Horseshoes is a very great game.  I love it."

APR. 24 - Quayle visits Chicago school, exhorts students: "We will move
forward, we will move upward, and yes, we will move onward."

APR. 25 - Quayle visits Hawaii: "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role
in the Pacific.  It is in the Pacific.  It is part of the United States that
is an island that is right here."  Travels to American Samoa, tells natives,
"You all look like happy campers to me.  Happy campers you are, happy campers
you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always
be."  Calls Pago Pago "Pogo Pogo."

MAY 1 - Marilyn Quayle announces her pet project: disasters.

MAY 2 - Quayle plays too long at a Singapore golf course, arrives late for
meeting with prime minister.  Aide tells reporter, "You can tell from the way
he plays golf that he's a natural leader."

MAY 4 - Quayle laments, "Every once in a while, you let a word or phrase out
and you want to catch it and bring it back.  You can't do that.  It's gone,
gone forever."

MAY 9 - Quayle addresses United Negro College Fund luncheon, attempts to
quote slogan 'A mind is a terrible thing to waste.'  Says, "What a waste it
is to lose one's mind, or, not to have a mind is being very wasteful.  How
true that is."

MAY 19 - Quayle declares, "This administration stands for the future.  It
also stands for what's good about this country."

MAY 22 - Quayle declares, "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward
more freedom and democracy--but that could change."

JUN. 13 - Quayle poses in El Salvador with grenade launcher aimed, unbeknown
to him, at his own elbow.

JUL. 15 - Quayle notes upcoming twentieth anniversary of moonwalk, refers to
astronaut Buzz Aldrin as "Buzz Lukens."  (Lukens is an Ohio congressman
recently given thirty days in jail for having sex with a sixteen-year-old
girl.)

JUL. 20 - Quayle addresses twentieth anniversary celebration of moon landing:
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

AUG. 11 - Quayle explains why he favors sending men to Mars: "Mars is
essentially in the same orbit.  Mars is somewhat the same distance from the
sun, which is very important,  We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water.  If there is water, that means there is oxygen.  If
oxygen, that means we can breathe."  Spokesman David Beckwith rushes forth,
assures public that Quayle "obviously knows there's no water flowing in the
canals now."

AUG. 17 - Quayle tells Sam Donaldson, "I stand by all the misstatements that
I've made."

OCT. 2 - Quayle declares, "Japan is an important ally of ours.  Japan and the
United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
two countries.  That's a statement in and of itself."

OCT. 19 - Quayle inspects quake-ravaged San Francisco. Calls it "a
heartrendering sight."  Adds, "The loss of life will be irreplaceable."

DEC. 1 - With Bush en route to Malta summit during Philippines crisis, White
House aide alerts media that Quayle, staying very, very late in situation
room, "ran effective meetings" and "asked the right questions."

DEC. 6 - Quayle says, "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any
vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

DEC. 21 - Media reports that the Quayles sent out thirty thousand Christmas
cards with misspelled message: "May our nation continue to be the beakon of
hope to the world."  Quayle gives Bush toilet-paper holder that plays "Hail
to the Chief" when paper is unrolled.

DEC. 30 - Quayle says he spends "a great deal of time" with Bush, and is "not
as they say, a potted plant in these meetings."


1990

MAR. 11 - Quayle stops at Chilean costal village, buys South American Indian
doll with enormous erection.  Tells Marilyn, "This is something teenage boys
might find of interest."

MAR. 19 - Quayle boasts that he knows Latin American leaders "by their first
names."

MAR. 23 - Quayle declares, "If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of
failure."

APR. 5 - Michael Jackson drops by Quayle's office. Aide says they "hit it off
famously."

MAY 1 - Quayle warns of danger of asteroids crashing into our planet: "Those
same asteroids which promise material riches can be a threat as well."

SEP. 5 - Quayle delivers morale-boosting speech to NASA employees, declares,
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

SEP. 18 - Quayle delivers speech on education: "Quite frankly, teachers are
the only profession that teach our children."

SEP. 22 - Quayle says of Mideast situation, "We are ready for any unforeseen
even that may or may not occur."

SEP. 26 - Quayle announces support for efforts "to limit the terms of members
of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."

OCT. 2 - Quayle explains that there is no parallel between Vietnam and the
Middle East because "Vietnam is a jungle, You had jungle warfare.  Kuwait,
Iraq, you have sand."  Says there's no need to worry about a protracted war
because "from a historical basis, Middle East conflicts do not last a long
time."

OCT. 9 - Quayle visits elementary school, assures four-year-old girl that he
has access to Bush: "I work with the President almost on a daily basis.  I
was with him until 6:30 last night.  I'll be with him Thursday morning.  We
talk every day."

OCT. 12 - Quayle comments on David Duke's prospects in Louisiana senate race:
"Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists."

NOV. 5 - Quayle plays self on episode of 'Major Dad.'

DEC. 28 - Quayle golfs at all-white country club in Pebble Beach, claims to
have been unaware of discrimination though club dropped out of PGA tour
rather than accept minority members.  Says Chief of Staff Bill Kristol,
"Well, it proves he's not spending time reading the golf pages."


1991

APR. 11 - Quayle hails U.S. triumph in Gulf as "a stirring victory for the
forces of aggression."

JUL. 12 - Bush attacks senators backing off from supporting Robert Gates for
CIA chief: "You hear a rumor and then you run for cover.  You get under the
bush like a quail and hope that you don't get flushed out for a while."

AUG. 13 - Lawyer Quayle tells American Bar Association that U.S. has too many
lawyers.

OCT. 8 - Quayle attempts to woo pro-choice GOP voters, offers image of party
as "a big tent."  Later explains that "the big tent is a pro-life big tent."

NOV. 15 - Quayle tells Christian group about need for abstinence to avoid
AIDS: "My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will
never surrender to what is right."

DEC. 6 - Quayle says of John Sununu's departure from White House, "This isn't
a man who is leaving with his head between his legs."

DEC. 27 - Bush hunting party kills twenty-nine quail.


1992

JAN. 8 - Bush, in Tokyo, vomits in lap of Japanese prime minister, collapses
to floor,  Quayle, asked about his fitness to take over presidency, declares,
"I'm ready."

JAN. 17 - Quayle spots Now Hiring sign in window of Burger King, cites it as
proof that economy is "beginning to turn around."  Fact that available jobs
are part-time at minimum wage ($4.25 per hour) doesn't deter his optimism.

FEB. 23 - Quayle denies that Willie Horton ad was example of negative
advertising, denies that he joined National Guard "to avoid going to
Vietnam," and denies that Bush broke his read-my-lips-no-new-taxes campaign
promise by signing tax hike in 1990.

APR. 20 - 'People' reports that Quayle's office turned down National Kidney
Foundation request for contribution of doodle for charity auction, sent
autographed photo with note explaining that "due to his hectic schedule the
Vice-President cannot afford you a doodle."  Later the same day Quayle blows
whistle at White House Easter-egg roll.

APR. 30 - Quayle visits New York hospital, asks administrators if AIDS
patients are "taking DDT."

MAY 19 - Quayle cites 'Murphy Brown's' "mocking the importance of fathers" as
example of bad Hollywood values that resulted in L.A. riots.

MAY 20 - Quayle tours South-Central L.A. defends attack on 'Murphy Brown:'
"Illegitimacy is something that we should talk about in terms of not having." 
Student says of his visit, "He's not, like, smart.  I'm not trying to bag on
him or anything, but he has the same mentality I have--and I'm in the eighth
grade."

JUN. 9 - Quayle brags he wears scorn of the "cultural elite" as "badge of
honor."

JUN. 10 - Quayle brags he knows "exactly who the cultural elite, the media
elite, and the Hollywood elite are."  Declines to name names.

JUN. 15 - Quayle urges an elementary school student to misspell the word
"potato."