I don't know what all I can say.
Yes, for the longest time I had been speaking of "free-love", and that I'm not against it. Well, I am. At least in our relationship. This happened only recently. Honey, I'm afraid of losing you, if I haven't already. With the problems that we are having, I cannot support the notion of that sort of freedom. I cannot support your flirtations with other people.
Friday afternoon was rough on me. I was trying to be there for you, and felt that I wasn't doing any good. So, I left. I was starting to get angry, and felt that if I stuck around any longer, and continued to try and calm you, that I'd just blow-up. The last thing I heard, as I was closing the door, was you, saying, "I want a divorce."
That was the longest, and quietest drive to work I have ever had.
I drove without smoking.
I drove without the radio.
I honestly believe that I drove without driving - I don't really recall paying any attention to what I was doing. I was just blank...
I felt that you were meaning it this time.
And last night, you come in from work, and tell me that you love me, but think that we just aren't really meant for one another...
I really don't know what I can say.
You told me that it's just you, that there is something more that you need, or just something that you, yourself are lacking in. Maybe it's self disgust. Maybe it's a personality problem. Maybe it's... Well, honey, you said this before. I thought that things had gotten better. Apparently I was wrong. I'm sorry. I honestly don't know how long you've been feeling this way (within recent time), or how long you've been speaking to the other guy(s), or whether there are any more guys than I know of, for I haven't been spying on you. Last night was the first time in I-don't-know-how-long that I had looked at your computer. I've felt comfortable about things, up until Friday. I just don't know...
And, then when I read those messages, and thought of how much more might have been said over the phone, I really got worried.
And, then, I think of all the times that you have (and how frequently it has become) asked me about whether I am cheating, and if so, who with...
Diana, I haven't done anything. I would never do anything. That's why I laugh at the thought of it - because I wouldn't do it. I know that (or at least feel that) you haven't, but your questioning makes me wonder. Up until this past week, you have had more opportunity than I. You know for a fact where I am at all hours of the day. I cannot say the same for you.
I'm just scared.
Maybe I'm a bit jealous, too. I have so much more than Orlando, yet there is something about him that makes you talk to him. The only thing that I can think of that I lack is physical attributes, and the ability to speak in modern day ebonics. Funny, I'm sure that he is still misspelling the mispronunciations. And to the other extreme is Lee, the man who probably does have more than I.
I'm just so scared.
I...
I realize that we aren't that compatible. I...
I thought that there was so much more...
I thought...
Diana, I love you. I want to spend my life with you. I'm just wondering if that is possible anymore. You are filling me full of doubt. The only other thing that had filled me with this much fear was everything that had happened with Taron.
I don't know what else to say...