I don't know what's wrong anymore. I honestly don't. How can I be in the midst of the greatest stability that I - that we - have had in the longest damned time; and still feel like there is no sense of order? It's driving me nuts! I just don't know. All I ever wanted out of life... all I ever wanted was to have my little piece of the world around me. I wanted a house in the woods. a two story A-frame cabin. a woman who loved me unconditionally, a little business in town. a car. a truck. maybe a service van. some land. a family. hiking trails. mountain bikes. maybe a horse. bees. a couple of hens and rooster. a hot-tub. a well. drink well-water. drink rain water. some time to go out and dance naked in the rain. camping in the back yard. star-gazing in the night. fishing in the creek or pond. rock walls running the property, walking the walls to pass the time. fireflies. crickets. a hammock under the trees. read a book by firelight. read a book by the fireplace. a fireplace. a smoking jacket. slippers. a pipe. a pipe collection. when i was young, I drempt of owning a home off in the woods, a large house, and a framed house, two stories, with a huge loft, and large window panes, and skylights. and thunderstorms. lightning amongst a huge downpour. sitting naked on the sofa with my lover, covered by a blanket, near the fireplace - laying there holding each other close, watching the storm. holding one another. feeling one another. the power is out, but the room is still lit by the candlelight, and intermittent flashes courtesy the storm. the fire dies down, but the temperature keeps rising from the heat of our bodies. awaken the next morn to a light rain, walk outside and shower in the the rain, dry off and return to the comfort of the house for breakfast. the rain dies down as we dress for a quick hike; then find that our morning shower was waste, for we writhe and bathe in the mud of a small clearing when our passion for one another grows out of control. return home giggling and kissing, and drawing lines with the mud on one another face. a trip to the shower at home to clean off, followed by a light lunch of melons and berries, followed by a long relaxing dip in the hot-tub, out on the deck. Years later children would arrive, and there would be fun in the snow, sledding, snowmen, snowball fights, and sleighing. there'd be campfires and smores, and cookouts and catch and t-ball and basketball and badminton. there'd be hikes, and bike-riding, and leaf-raking and pumpkin carving. and once a month, on a weekend when the kids were away, there'd be a return of the storms, and the mud-baths and the melons and berries. and i'd run a business in town. i'd sell, i'd service. I'd keep my own hours. and none of this has happened. and none of this is happening. and none of this shall ever happen. my one true fantasy - true in a sense that it will never happen, nor shall any portion, i fear.
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Diana and i started this morning off on a bad foot. She had awoke, and got Niv, in order to spend time with her, Taron came downstairs shortly thereafter. Diana yelled toward the upstairs, awakening me, notifying me that the children were awake. Rather than taking Niv back up, and telling taron to go back to bed (although it was an hour or more before they had to up), she dressed them, and awaited for me to wake up, and come downstairs. she asked me when I'd (ordered me to) join her numerous times. I finally arose, and was slapped once more with her tone, when she told me that there was something we needed to discuss. I had inadvertently left money out that she hadn't known of - money that I had saved should we need it. When asked of the origin she asked like a mother scorning a child. I withheld the information, and told her it was of no matter. this led to an upward rising in her anger. she asked again. i responded the same. she declared she had now regained control of finances. I went upstairs, retrieved her credit cards, and came back down, cutting them with the scissors. she attacked, and i struck back, carrying her, pushing her, forcing her into her chair, feverishly, angrily, loudly voicing my concern with her control, and explaining that under her leadership we had faltered, and that under her leadership she had ruined my name in order to better hers. eventually calmer heads prevailed. and now, we sit, again at a crossroads. re-examining ourselves, seeing where we have gone wrong, and where we can go. and i am wondering if there is any place to go anymore.
Tags: #personal - disagreements, #personal - random thoughts, #randomness