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i'm falling into the shoulds again. i can't help but wonder if i should be here.
she almost feels my thought—i'm sure of it, because she takes off running. i stretch my hand toward her, hoping that my fingers can somehow bridge the gap that she's created between us. i should be enjoying myself more. but if i'm not—
i'm supposed to be working, i'm supposed to be more productive, i'm supposed to be farther by now, i'm supposed to have saved more,
stop.
my eyes closed at some point within the last few milliseconds, and for a moment, i don't even know where i am; i'm consumed by the thoughts that are surrounding me, and the shoulds are shooting up around me like dark bamboo, piercing the darkness of my eyelids. there's no light. my eyes close tighter.
lips. lips on mine. i feel her nails encircling around my shoulders as she pulls me in; i only know her from her scent—my eyes can't open for the life of me, paralyzed. my pulse quickens and she breathes life into me as if she were the jolt of adrenaline that restarted my heart. for a time, she is everywhere and within me and around me. she's bright, and the embodiment of love, and i can't help but run my fingers through her long hair, defying gravity in the electricity between my fingers and her strands.
but how do i tell her i feel too much? that i keep her from the depths of my mind, the parts that are always questioning and wondering if i'm not good enough for her? can you be in love with someone if they hide away the parts of them that have shied others away? can you accept a minimized version of someone? can i continue to hide this part of me away?
because i know she won't love the rest of it. she won't like how i'm constantly fighting away thoughts of doubt, self-hatred—and i am fighting them away, you know, but people don't want to be reminded of bad feelings. people close to you don't want to constantly feel obligated to build you back up, even though you never asked for that. a little reassurance every now and then is good, though.
i tighten my grip around her, still sitting within the blackness of my mind. we are still, but together, amongst the bamboo leaves that are slowly falling away. i feel her weight shifting underneath my palms, and i'm savoring this just a while longer, for as long as i can.
maybe i've just never known someone who wanted to show me how in love with me they were, and she's the first.
maybe i've never been in love before.
i should open my eyes.