< Have a seat next to the broken hearted
Hang in there buddy, problems don't just appear out of nowhere and as empty as this statement might sound, I find it's often true:
sometimes it was just never meant to be.
I went through a similar thing with my first, where I instigated the break up and mourned it for about the same time.
I realised over time though that I wasn't actually sad over her, I was sad over the ideal of what she was: a cute, bubbly, funny, sociable, dependable partner who I could plan a future with.
But the ideal hides the reality: she was mean, often without meaning to, but still quite mean. She derided people she had never met, her politics were borderline fascist, she was controlling and her large ego was born out of a deep insecurity that she broadcast everywhere she went.
Where I'm going with this rant: focus on the negatives. She was likely not as perfect as you feel she was, and maybe you being a monster to her was in response to her being one to you (not to defend your actions of which I know nothing)
Woah. I believe this has given me an opportunity to re-evaluate this relationship and "take these rose-colored glasses off". Perhaps I'm in an impressionable state at the moment, but it's eerie to me how many parallels I am seeing between my situation, and your experience.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.