I'm confused. At least that's how I feel. I feel confused. I don't know why. Well, I guess I know why. But I don't know if confusion is really what I feel. I feel something akin to it. Don't know what to call it. I guess the best thing to do is to just say what led me to this odd confused like feeling. It started last night... While on facebook, Diana started talking to Emily, asking her about her new job. Diana had posed the question about how the pay would effect their foodstamps, and Emily responded by telling her that there really wouldn't be any effect, as she wouldn't be part of the household anyway. That's when we found out that Emily is leaving Walter. I really don't know much of the rest of the details, as the story was an online chat between the two of them. Diana passed along some vague details, but where they were third secondhand retellings, I didn't pay much attention. I dunno. Anyway, during their chat, Diana started cracking the jokes about me possibly being excited by hearing the news, and how that I might now have the chance of either getting intimate or building further on feelings for Emily. I tried to keep those thoughts out of my mind. I didn't want to think any of that. I don't know. I guess I still don't. Really, there isn't much that I remember from last night. I tried to erase much of it from memory. I found out that Emily is actually planning on leaving Walter. And I'm pushing that out of my mind? Conflicted. I am conflicted. I just found out that a close friend is stepping away from her marriage. I just found out that a woman that I've had interest in is becoming available. That's what it is. Confusion with confliction. Or something. I dunno. When Diana told me that Emily was leaving Walter, I know a quick, very quick--lightning fast--smirk hit my face. As quick as it appeared, it vanished. It was for that very brief instant that I did end up thinking something to the effect of Emily being on the market. At the same time, I felt that Diana was possibly pulling my chain. Then I saw her face. Diana wasn't joking. I made mention of Diana's expression, and that I was pretty sure she was relaying the truth, because it was an odd sort of expression. Later, that statement would bite me. Diana continued to chat with Emily, and I continued to work on a notebook I'm passing along to Taron. Diana continued with a few jokes about me and Emily. Then, slowly, Diana began to question me, and ask whether any of her jokes were really Diana began to ask me if I was actually thinking any of those things. Was I excited to hear Emily was leaving Walter? Was I thinking that my chance had come? Was I thinking about leaving Diana? I didn't know how to respond. I laughed. I even smiled. Neither were a good idea. Diana became she was fearful. She was fearful that if Emily could finally say it's over, then I would be capable of doing the same. She was also fearful that I would be more apt to do so now since the woman I've been focused on for years is available. I didn't know what to say. I still don't. So, I guess I'm kind of questioning what Diana was worried about. What she was thinking. What she was sure I was thinking. I don't know. Am I excited? Do I see a chance? Are there any possibilities? I don't know. I would be lying to myself if I said I wasn't thinking any of those things. Sure, a part of me is excited. A part of me thinks that I might have a chance at building a stronger, more affectionate relationship with Emily. I have thought that there might even be a partnership there. I've fantasized about it. I've drempt about it. I've wanted the idea of it to come true. But can it? It's just a fantasy, isn't it? There's no chance of anything there, right? I don't know. I could hope and dream all I want. But there's no way she'd ever be interested in me. Later, Diana told me how serious it seemed to be this time. She told me that Emily's parents had set up a room for her. She told me how supportive they are. I came so very close to saying that I understood. I came so close to telling her that my folks had said the same. Just a few weeks ago my mom asked me how things were between Diana and I, and reminded me that she'd always be there if I needed her, and that should I ever want a place to stay, it's there waiting for me. Diana had also asked me whether I believed in fate, or karma, or anything like that. I told her that I do believe that there is a divine plan, and that there are many stops along the way where we chose which path to take to get to the next big step and final destination. I think she was asking me if I thought that somewhere buried in all of this is me leaving her for Emily, and if we just received a sign. I dunno. In the midst of all the hype, Diana told me that I could leave her at anytime, so long as we were able to leave on good terms--that there wouldn't be any fighting. I'd never want to leave Diana like that. I think that's why I've fought so hard to stay. I don't want to leave her angry. so when it comes to blows, I stand firm, begrudgingly most of the time, and try to set things straight again. And even when I've given thought to leaving, I've tried not to focus on what's next. So, I've never REALLY given thought to leaving Diana for Emily. At least not when it counted. Well, sort of. I dunno. I'm crazy. Crazy people see and hear odd things all the time. And I've seen and heard things. It's all just got to be my mind playing tricks on me. I am imaginative. Heck when I was like five I really saw some freaky stuff because I was high. Maybe that's it. Huffing gas fumes when I was young gave me brain damage. But Years ago, I thought I heard voices. Well, kind of. Not really heard voices in the sense that I heard an aural voice with my ears, but that I sensed something talking in my brain. But it wasn't an inner voice--not an inner dialect--not me talking to myself. But like a strange sense of something or someone or some presence talking to me. The voice had told me that I would end up with like six kids. It told me that there would be lots of trouble and change along the way. It told me that not all of the kids would be mine or be with me or something like that. I dismissed it, for the most part. Then, I met Emily. A little echo of a thought of the voices came to mind. I dismissed it quickly. Time passed. And then, a year ago... When I was out of a home and staying at Walter and Emily's, I had a few odd thoughts of how life with her must be wonderful. She was heavily on my mind. I was also aware of the troubles she was having with her marriage. So, a ton of stuff was going on in my own head. Add to all of that, I had been thinking that it might finally be time to leave Diana. During all that, Diana had asked me to look into the love dare and the related film fireproof. Yeah. That stuff didn't help me out. The film and book just reminded me of how crappy my marriage was, and gave me all the reasons why I should leave--a totally opposite thing of what the material was for. But the material gave me a little more. It made me stop. It made me think. It made me take take t try and be peaceful and commune with the world, and try to open myself up more. It led me to prayer again. Momentarily, though--once I returned home, the prayers started shrinking away again, and are pretty much gone now. But one night, while standing on their front stoop, I said a little prayer, and asked for guidance. I asked what I should do. I asked if I was to give up. I asked if I were to stay. I asked if I should stay with Diana. I asked if Emily were right for me. Then I asked for a sign if possible. Then I looked up. I swear I saw something. Down the street, I saw an image of Christ. I blinked. Still there. I blinked slowly, squeezing my eyes shut tight on the close, and slowly opened them again. Still there. I quietly laughed nervously. I closed my eyes, shook my head, then looked back in the direction of the vision. I saw the reflection of the streetlight being cast through branches of a tree onto the garbage can down the street this time. I studied it, squinting, and staring, trying to see how the play of light had made me see Him. How had I seen it? The more I looked, the harder time I had trying to convince myself that it was simply play of light, though it quite obviously was. It was a play of light. But, it wasn't. And what did it mean? I saw what I believed to be a sign. But the sign didn't give me a direct answer to any of the questions. So how was I to interpret it? In a moment of what I guess I can call clarity, I thought "Believe". A feeling of warmness swept over me. Believe and follow the path as best I can, and the answers will be revealed in the future. Diana also told me via IM not to worry about child support. I half-jokingly replied saying that I wish I weren't using my ipod, because it's yahoo IM app hasn't the ability to save or forward messages. She told me not to worry, that should we separate she wouldn't seek support. I dunno. I told Angel that Diana seemed a bit worried and scared about me leaving her for Emily now. She asked me if I was going to, and said it was fairly obvious that I still felt something for Emily, that she saw the way I look at her. I asked how, as I try not to look or make eye contact with Emily whenever Diana is around. She referenced a time when they paid a visit while she was over. According to Angel, I was making eyes or something and
walter acted like he didn't give a fuck, emily tried to act like she didn't notice, lmao diana seemed tired and ready for bed
and u looked at her like she is a god
I look at Emily like she is a god? and she tries to act like she doesn't notice? I dunno. I guess if I were looking at her like a god it'd make sense that she'd try not to show that it was noticeable. It's likely embarrassing. Probably a bit disturbing. I'd be uncomfortable, too, I guess, if someone was fixated on me and I hadn't an interest. I dunno. I just don't know. I'm not leaving Diana. At least I don't see it. Not any time soon. And even if I did, it wouldn't be to jump for Emily. Taking that jump would be like blindly diving into an empty pool. There's nothing there, not that I can see. And I'd get hurt.
Tags: #randomness