The panic came back. I thought I was done with this shit, the overwhelming malaise that then makes any little thing get me angry. I screamed "I'm so fucking trash!" with borderline rage in my voice because I just fumbled a hit in volleyball gym today. I tried to draw two weeks ago but it looked bad, so I got so mad I slammed the desk. I started thinking of something my mom said on the bus to me(regular ol' homophobia) and thank god it was a near-empty bus because I punched the seat in front of me. I've been getting angrier lately for no reason, it feels like I'm in middle school again and I don't know why. I go home and I don't have the energy to do anything except maybe one worksheet and listen to music and its off to bed immediately, no shower or toothbrush before. I'm getting mad just typing this all out for myself. I don't exercise anymore, because I dedicate all my time to getting myself out this academic fuckery(when I have even the slightest focus to do it) and I'm STILL FUCKED.
I even thought about suicide again recently, in my sad moments, something I haven't considered seriously since I was **12**. What the fuck? I can't tell my mom about this(wrote a whole other entry on that), so whether I try to hide it or be honest I'm getting shit on for something that happened entirely out of my control. I hate this state of mind. I was doing so good; exercising, studying, had a good diet, actually had friends. WHY did my BRAIN AND BODY decide to make me miserable all of a sudden? I fall asleep in class even if I'm interested in the material and got a full night's sleep beforehand, I was so exhausted after two flights of stairs that I had to sit down and take a break, I'm never hungry at the right times(I spent half an hour trying to will myself to finish just two pieces of toast), and I'm angry over trivial shit like first paragraph. It feels like I'm going through middle school again!
Maybe I'll analyze all this later, maybe not, because I wrote all of it in a single breath, but I just needed to say something.