cw: very depressive text, suicide mentions, self harm mentions.
i'm sad. this post isn't informative or helpful. in fact, it's braindumping sad thoughts.
yeah i can't socialize to save my life. do i make eye contact? do i make the wrong facial expressions? i stand weird, i move weird. i barely speak and when i do my jokes don't land. i kinda suck at it and socializing more didn't make me better. i can't mask. i can't find interest in what other people talk about. i want to leave.
people tell me it's okay. is it though? is it okay to be a bore to hang out with? to be alone all the time, even when i'm with people? it doesn't feel like it is. when i go to work i always walk with my eyes towards the ground. whenever people try to make friendly conversation, i wonder why. i feel bad for them for having the misfortune of talking with me. i try to end it as soon as i can.
i avoid people at lunch. i sit alone and eat quickly so that i can get back to my position, where i know fewer people will try to say hi.
i procrastinate too much. i don't have the executive function to start anything, and i get distracted too quickly when i do.
i never finished a single book. all my books have bookmarks halfway through them. i thought i'd pick one up again. by the time i do, i have to start over cause i have no idea what i read last time.
i constantly have to re-read paragraphs. i can't focus on a person talking at a lecture. i stare off into space and daydream about how nice it would be to learn something new.
and yet, i feel like all i ever hyperfixate on is academics. it's a curse, honestly.
doing chores, cleaning, driving, i barely get around to getting things done. i haven't updated my www site in over a year. i just don't function.
and when i do function, i'm not skilled enough to do anything well.
i'm suicidal and all i do is sit around and hurt myself. i want it to end cause i find that the few-and-far-between moments of joy just aren't worth it as someone who finds so much struggle in even simple things.
and all i see is people living happier lives, with better outlooks, telling me things will get better, cause it's going great for them. all i do is get jealous, cause that life never happened for me.
life
kinda
sucks.
2023-04-17