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i sat on the porch for the first time today; a warm day quickly diving into low temperatures as the night began to encroach on the sky above. i pulled out one of the kitchen chairs and that chair, wouldn't you know it, fit perfectly on my little back porch. i couldn't help it—felt serendipitous, almost, like the universe was granting me this moment in time—and i burst into a flurry, trying to catch the sunlight before the night finally fell.
a snack: cherry tomatoes and a creamy spinach dip; an enjoyment, an indulgence: a joint, purchased a bit premature to celebrate the new apartment. my view: just the backyard, some trees—apartments peeking from above the horizon, the sky stretching long outwards as shadows began to grow.
when the wind sways, so do i, just slightly; i don't know it yet, but this is my new favorite. to be still for just a moment, belly full. to hear the wind chimes sing to the neighborhood, at least to this cluster of apartment buildings looking in on each other like nosy old friends.
for a moment, this is paradise; it's not much, and it's here and peaceful for once. chilly air slices against my cheeks, but my thoughts are quiet, a rare and welcome respite from the thoughts that will surely swarm the moment i step back inside.
moments i must remember when things get low again. i am not immune from who i am nor can i change the way my brain is wired, so i have to hold onto these.
the trees swaying to the music of the wind chimes.
laughing in the distance.
a radio playing too loud in a car driving by.
the sun disappears farther out of view as shadows take over the horizon, and i can't feel anything but happiness for once: with safety, secure in where i am, who i am, and what will come tomorrow.
everything, for once, is fine. and it can continue, even if something were to disrupt this. i know the calmness comes from me; that only i have the power to wave off the thoughts i can. it's difficult, hard to swallow that i'll have to deal with this the rest of my life; but i can try to be happy and find more moments like these.
moments i must remember. when things get low again.