Lately I've been reading Carl Jung lately, who inspired Alcoholics Anonymous. Chapter two of Modern Man in Search of a Soul talks about keeping secrets. I can trace my alcoholism back to trauma from my early childhood. Both of my parents were alcoholics or addics, as well as everyone else in my extended family. Many suffer from mental illnesses, as well as the personality problems that come with it. Lies, deciet, selfishness, and violence. Verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse were all present. The anxiety and depression goes back as far as I can remember. I think one naturally has a tendency to justify or rationalize these emotions. To tell yourself its not as bad as it seems, or its just that way for a reason. In jail the psychologist told me that I had complex post traumatic stress disorder in addition to the depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, which I knew about. It sounded kind of obvious when she told me, like I should have known already. But why didn't I? Even if I was aware of the disorder I probably would probably have downplayed the impact it had.

I can think of so many examples now. Things people have said to or about me. Truthfully I was just an ordinary person reacting to certain behaviours and attitutes of people around me. You tend to notice the effects in other people. To gravitate toward certain people who seem somewhat twisted like you. This can lead to codependent relationships. Hanging out with the wrong crowd. Reinforcing maladaptive behaviours. And the opportunity cost, the years spent ignoring these symptoms, or making them worse.

There are also a lot of exmaples of traumatic events, or adverse childhood experiences, that terrified me. Chaotic situations I had no control over, no proper way to make sense of, or to process emotionally. You just learn to live with it, to get by or ignore it completely. Until one day it smacks you in the face, and you realize you have no idea what you are doing, or worse, have done something reprehensible, either under the influence of alcohol, or drugs, or not.