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(` ^'"`-' ")
i'm considering
the surgery
but not to be beautiful
and not for you
or any man, really
because what i want is to look in the mirror
and be okay
with what i see
and i want to stop
searching for hours
for plus-size clothing stores
that no longer exist
because brands have all moved online
so i can't even feel beautiful shopping anymore
and it's more than just losing weight
because even if i lose the weight
lose the weight
lose the weight
lose the weight
i'll still have the excess skin to deal with
so why not just knock two birds with one stone
or three,
the amount i'd like to lose
i want to stop contorting my body
into shapes that i think are flattering
for me and my body
in the mirror when i wear my clothes
when my body causes so much anxiety
to the point where i'd rather
retreat
into my hobbies
and stay busy with
work
friends
traveling
'i'm too busy for a relationship,'
i'll say,
and my friends
behind my back
collectively
count out when i was last in a relationship
but i'm busy, and
if i stop for even a second
i'll have to face the fact
that it's not that nobody wants to be with me
(because i'm fat)
it's that
because i've never been accepted
loved
for me and who i am fully
that i'm too inside my own head
when it comes to other humans
to make sure i'm doing everything right
that i forget to care
about anyone else