2015-05-05 05:59:14
Liane Davey
Do you have a crier on your team? You know, the one with tissue-thin skin who
expresses frustration, sadness, or worry through tears. Or maybe you have a
screamer, a table pounder who is aggressively invested in every decision. These
kinds of emotional outbursts are not just uncomfortable; they can hijack your
team, stalling productivity and limiting innovation.
Don t allow an emotional person to postpone, dilute, or drag out an issue that
the business needs you to resolve. Instead, take the outburst for what it is: a
communication. Emotions are clues that the issue you are discussing is touching
on something the person values or believes strongly in. So look at outbursts as
giving you three sets of information: emotional data; factual or intellectual
data; and motives, values and beliefs.
We get stuck when we only focus on the first two emotions and facts. It s
easy to do. When someone starts yelling, for instance, you might think he s mad
(emotion) because his project has just been defunded (fact). And many managers
stop there, because they find feelings uncomfortable or aren t sure how to deal
with them. That s why the first step is to become more self-aware by
questioning your mindset around emotions. There are several myths that often
get in a team leader s way:
Myth #1: There is no place for emotion in the workplace. If you have humans in
the workplace, you re going to have emotions too. Ignoring, stifling, or
invalidating them will only drive the toxic issues underground. This outdated
notion is one reason people resort to passive-aggressive behavior: emotions
will find their outlet, the choice is whether it s out in the open or in the
shadows.
Myth #2: We don t have time to talk about people s feelings. Do you have time
for backroom dealings and subterfuge? Do you have time for re-opened decisions?
Do you have time for failed implementations? Avoiding the emotional issues at
the outset will only delay their impact. And when people don t feel heard,
their feelings amplify until you have something really destructive to deal
with.
Myth #3: Emotions will skew our decision making. Emotions are already affecting
your decision making. The choice is whether you want to be explicit about how
(and how much) of a role they play or whether you want to leave them as
unspoken biases.
With your beliefs in check, you ll be better able to get beyond the emotion and
facts to the values the person holds that are being compromised or violated.
This is critical because your criers and screamers are further triggered when
they don t feel understood. The key is to have a discussion that includes
facts, feelings, and values. People will feel heard and the emotion will
usually dissipate. Then you can focus on making the best business decision
possible.
Here s how.
Spot the emotion: If you wait until the emotion is in full bloom, it will be
difficult to manage. Instead, watch for the telltale signs that something is
causing concern. The most important signals will come from incongruence between
what someone is saying and what their body language is telling you. When you
notice someone is withdrawing eye contact or getting red in the face,
acknowledge what you see. Steve, you ve stopped mid-sentence a couple of times
now. What s going on for you?
Listen: Listen carefully to the response, both to what is said and what you can
infer about facts, feelings, and values. You will pick up emotions in language,
particularly in extreme words or words that are repeated. We have a $2 million
budget shortfall and it s our fourth meeting sitting around having a lovely
intellectual discussion! Body language will again provide clues. Angry
(leaning in, clenched jaw or fists) looks very different from discouraged
(dropping eye contact, slumping) or dismissive (rolling eyes, turning away).
Ask questions: When you see or hear the emotional layer, stay calm, keep your
tone level and ask a question to draw them out and get them talking about
values. I get the sense you re frustrated. What s behind your frustration?
Listen to their response and then go one layer further by testing a hypothesis.
Is it possible that you re frustrated because we re placing too much weight on
the people impact of the decision and you think we need to focus only on what s
right for the business?
Resolve It: If your hypothesis is right, you ll probably see relief. They might
even express their pleasure Yes, exactly! You can sum it up We ve talked
about closing the Cleveland office for two years and you re frustrated because
you believe that the right decision for the business is obvious. You ve now
helped your team member articulate the values he thinks should be guiding the
decision. The team will now be clear on why they are disagreeing. Three people
might jump in, all talking at once We are talking about people who have given
their lives to this organization! Here we go again Use the same process to
reveal the opposing points of view.
Once everyone is working with the same three data sets facts, emotions, and
values you will be clear what you need to solve for, in this case, how will
we weigh the financial necessity with the impact on people. Although taking the
time to draw out the values might seem slow at first, you ll see that issues
actually get resolved faster. And ironically, as you validate emotions, over
time people will tend to be less emotional as it s often the suppressing the
emotions or trying to cobble together facts to justify them that was causing
irrational behavior.
If you re leading a high performing team, you better be ready to deal with
uncomfortable, messy, complex emotions. If there s a situation you have failed
to address because of an emotional team member, spend some time thinking about
how you will approach it and then go have the conversation. Today. You can t
afford to wait any longer.
Liane Davey is the vice president of team solutions at Knightsbridge Human
Capital. Her new book is You First: Inspire Your Team to Grow Up, Get Along,
and Get Stuff Done. She is also a co-author of Leadership Solutions: The
Pathway to Bridge the Leadership Gap. Follow her on Twitter at @LianeDavey.